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Further education

You'll find discussions about A Levels and universities on our Further Education forum.

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Original poster

Son going off to University

19 replies

Mandy001 · 05/09/2017 09:37

Personally I'm on a massive roller coaster of emotion right now, and could do with some words of wisdom!

I only have the one child, and he is going to University in two weeks.

On one hand I really can't wait for him to go (and he is ready to leave too) we bicker constantly, he is so messy, he is argumentative.. he's a royal pain in the bum!

On the other hand, he is my baby boy (he always will be), I love him to death, I'm fiercely protective over him, he is venturing out on his own without me by his side!

We have done most of his university shopping and got him the things on the kits list, got him some sensible shoes etc etc and as the days go by the more the reality that it is going to happen sets in. We have said all his life that he will go to university and we're not expecting him to come home after that. I just don't understand my feelings, I should be proud, I am proud that my and hubby that we have brought him up so well, he is going off to do what he wants to do in the university of his choice.. why do I feel a bit lost in all of this? I almost feel like I miss him already!

I want to be strong for him, but inside I am saying "eeek"

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/09/2017 09:46

It's a whole new phase for everyone. You'll get used to it, I promise.

We have had both ds1 and ds2 going off to uni, (both about to go into second year, although they're not twins 😀, Ds1 had a gap whilst deciding what to do) and I found what helped me was a plan to go and see them. As they are quite far away, we booked into a hotel for a night, and the format would be to take them out to dinner in the evening, and for brunch in the morning, then left them and came home. Would that be an option? I found doing that once or twice made it exciting for me, - a trip away as well as seeing my boys - and seeing them mid term and with Christmas, Easter holidays etc, time just flew and I didn't have a chance to miss them.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/09/2017 09:50

......I might just add that they are very keen to see us and show us around their new patch! I wouldn't insist on seeing them, if they werent equally as keen to see us.

Sarniejp · 10/09/2017 23:42

Hi.
I am feeling exactly the same. My daughter is off next weekend and I feel as though I am losing her. I am having totally irrational thoughts about not being able to cope without her and it's almost like dealing with a type of grief.
I am now trying to focus on positive thoughts such as "as long as she is happy that's all that matters" and "at least she isn't leaving the country". As the other mum suggested, if possible arrange a meet up mid term if you can? We are seeing my daughter in 5 weeks and I will be counting down the days!
Social media is so fantastic as well as we will be face timing regularly as well as messaging and snap chat etc.
Good luck to us all! At least we know we aren't alone and I am sure a lot of tears will be shed in the coming weeks but we will all survive. Xx

Hillarious · 11/09/2017 13:53

Facetime is great when they're away at uni. I find we get a good dose of quality time chatting to DC1, even if we're looking at her on a small screen.

seagreengirl · 11/09/2017 19:41

My DD is going in a couple of weeks, it's just hitting me now. I'll miss her so much I love having another female in the house, we talk about things that I don't with anyone else. Ohhh it'll be a wrench.

She's gone very quiet too, I think she is a bit nervous about the course and being away from DH and me, even her brother is going to miss her.

I realise this is all me me me, but I feel a bit better writing it down. I think that it's been bottled up a bit, and I don't want her to know quite how much I'm not looking forward to it.

Scholes34 · 11/09/2017 21:02

It's a bit of a wrench, but life settles down quite quickly to a new routine. Mobile phones and Facetime make communication easy - I get calls from DD when she's on her way to places, just got home, just needs to tell us something quickly.

What I did do before she went to uni last year was told her that the family dynamic with siblings at home would change that then when she came home at Christmas she wouldn't find home exactly how she left it and she'd need to be accommodating to the changes. I wanted to say this to avoid her finding coming home a bit of a shock!

Sarniejp · 17/09/2017 08:17

I left my daughter yesterday and I haven't stopped sobbing yet! She knows 'what I'm like' and thankfully I didn't have to hide the emotions when we parted as I couldn't have anyway! I am going to have a busy day just getting in with it and we will no doubt be Face Timing later. She called me last night and we chatted for ages. I guess we all get used to it and you have to accept time is a healer.
So nice to know others feel the same on here. I don't have any friends going through the same thing so this chat is very reassuring. Xx

homebythesea · 19/09/2017 08:11

This time last year I went through a full blown grieving process when my firstborn left for Uni. But I recognise now that I was grieving for the loss of my role in his life, which will never be the same. But this us exactly what shouid happen, perfectly natural transition and you have to allow yourself some congratulation for steering him into adulthood in one piece.

It took a couple of weeks but we settled into a new rhythm (I've got one more at home) and by the Christmas break it seemed a bit odd that he was actually at home!

ThatsNeat · 19/09/2017 08:55

My daughter went to Uni on Sunday and FaceTimed last night
in floods of tears. The girls in her Uni accommodation (a nice flat) are party girls who are drunk and shouty. She's not that type of girl and whilst she's sociable she feels that she doesn't fit in. I'm finding it really hard - any advice?

LIZS · 19/09/2017 08:58

Thatsneat, it is hard but would advise her to ride Freshers week out. By the end the party girls will be exhausted and the social life calm down as term gets going in earnest. If not she could speak to accommodations office about a transfer.

Topseyt · 19/09/2017 09:21

Thatsneat, ride it out for now. Freshers stuff will soon start to die down. When "freshers flu" strikes then the non-stop partying tends to slow for a time as the party animals realise that they aren't as invincible as they thought. At least for a while. Not wishing anyone ill, just stating our experience.

OP, I felt exactly as you do when my DD1 went off to uni four years ago. It was like a bereavement. I coped by keeping busy, but I felt very sad.

You get used to it and it does get better. Much better. WhatsApp is your friend. Skype/Facetime too. Internet is great for this. In my own student days the only link to home was a weekly phone call from a call box down the road and occasionally a letter in the snail mail.

He will be back in the holidays. Uni terms aren't as long generally as school ones. The odd visit might be feasible too.

My DD1 graduated this summer, and last week started her first proper job in London. She is back living with us in Essex until she can get suitable accommodation sorted, so we are pretty much out on the other side now.

ThatsNeat · 19/09/2017 14:38

Thanks LIZS and Topseyt, how comforting it is to know that others have ridden out freshers week and come out the other side....

Hillarious · 20/09/2017 10:48

Everyone eventually finds their kind of people somewhere. Some are just a bit more difficult to find.

DorisPegg · 20/09/2017 22:32

There's over 300 of us on a Facebook group with mums and students who have either just started uni or are just about to.

Mixed experiences so far, and loads of helpful posters.

m.facebook.com/groups/488235648182391

There's some with DCs in second and third year too and it's reassuring to know it gets easier for everyone.

Scholes34 · 22/09/2017 18:34

The Facebook posts are interesting, but there is an element of parents not letting go and not letting their DC find things out for themselves. They might miss out on the odd thing, not be first in the queue for others, but they'll soon learn how to manage everything. And they need to.

Seti · 23/09/2017 14:08

I like the Facebook group, it's very supportive and I've got some really helpful stuff off it.

I like these threads too though.

Scholes34 · 24/09/2017 20:31

I'm quite surprised by some of the comments on the Facebook page. One parent has bought their offspring two months worth of clothes, so they don't have to do any washing whilst they're away, as the washing machines are too expensive to use. I can't work out whether they're being sarcastic or not.

Seti · 24/09/2017 20:54

I really feel for those mums whose DCs are struggling, it must be horrible getting calls or texts saying they're unhappy.

I didn't see a post about clothes. I don't think my DC will do any washing tbh

Hillarious · 26/09/2017 13:21

We use the messenger service in Facebook within the family group, so DH, 3 DC and I keep in touch that way. This means the DC away and uni can dip in to conversations as and when they please. It's so much easier these days to keep in touch than it ever was, but also so much more difficult to let go for some people.

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