tell me about fostering to check I have not got a hopelessly romantic view of things

[SchrodingersSexKitten]

I feel very blessed to have a happy and stable marriage to DH and two lovely little girls. More and more thinking that we don't want more children but that we could offer a stable, caring, happy foster home to children who need it.

Please tell me more about the downsides, the good bits, the beureaucracy...

Can only let you know of my parents experience. Decided that as their own children had grown up they had the time and space to offer a loving home to foster children. The process to be approved was fairly long but eventually they were approved. Almost immediately they received children - mostly adolescents - but often with very little information about them. These were mostly respite breaks for their long term foster carers. After a while they were approached about taking on a family of 3 children. They had some insight into their past, which was quite abusive, and agreed to take the children. Originally this was for a short term. My parents provided everything that these children needed, from basic care to shoes as in the middle of winter the shoes they were wearing were black plimsoles. My Dad recognised one of the children had particularly bad eyesight and saw an optician who provided the necessary prescription, but to do this, permission has to be sought from the parent, who couldn't be bothered, so again this took weeks. Social services provided very little help and support with the children. My parents raised several concerns which were dismissed. The children were particularly violent towards each other - even though only being of primary age. This culminated in two of them taking the dog for a walk with my Dad and the youngest being annoyed with his older sister, picked up a large stick and hit her with such force at the back of the head that it knocked her over. To stop him from doing this again, my Dad held him by the arm. Soon after this when no help had been offered, my parents asked that the children be moved. During their time in my parents home the eldest ran away back to her home several times and they stole money and other small items. My parents began to feel that their home was no longer their own. Costs that are meant to be reimbursed took up to 6 months. A few months after the children had gone my Dad then faced the allegation that he had been unnecessarily rough with the boy. The police were involved and despite the fact that everything was dropped he now has a mark on his recorded that says this allegation was made. Social services were keen for my parents to continue fostering, but TBH they were left devastated by their experience. I am a teacher and come into contact with other foster carers through my job who have had vastly different experiences and perhaps my parents were just very unlucky. If I were you I would look at the reviews of your local services. Go to the information evenings and ask lots of questions. Speak to other foster carers in your area for a realistic picture. Be aware that if you do go ahead, the care that the foster children receive will have to be very different from the care you give your children in respect of how 'close' your relationship can be and that there are boundaries. Depending on your own children's ages, they may also find this a difficult situation to get used to and may not go smoothly. I am sorry to paint such a negative picture, but all of my family were pretty shocked by my parents fostering experience. Good luck.

thanks for your response
i guess children who end up being fostered are almost by definition going to have difficulties
food for thought
thx

To be honest, my experiences have been for the whole part positive and nothing like the situation described above, but, the promised support wasn't very forthcoming from social services. Information about the children has been very very limited (in one case, they told us a primary school child called X was arriving - and behold a secondary school child called Y turned up on our doorstep.. ).

In each placement, the child has arrived in only the school uniform that they have been in and that has led to mad dashes to local shops to buy everything from toothbrushes (ok, we learnt that quickly and now have a spare stock!) to underwear, pyjamas etc.

It has been difficult with unexpected situations where everyone you might leave a child with will have to be CRB checked (and the local authority don't seem to be too keen on travelling to carry these out). It isn't something we considered to be honest as we felt we'd be able to manage but a few personal matters (sick relatives) have meant that it's been harder to arrange the odd day here or there.

Of course no child enters foster care for 'happy' reasons but one child had undergone some experiences that I found very hard to manage emotionally at times. She is very resilient and a lovely child but when I think about the betrayal by her closest family, it almost makes me well up and hearing about the kinds of things that went on, while being strong for the child and assuring her that nothing is her fault, it can take an emotional toll on us. We have to remain positive about her family as she still loves them greatly but sometimes it's hard when we think about the background.

We had one child placed with us whose mother was (unsurprisingly) very angry and bitter and she told the 7 year old on every contact meeting how utterly horrible and unpleasant we were - scaring the poor child and it became a really difficult to-and-fro where we were being careful to be only positive about her mum but her mum was doing everything possible to complain and fill her child's mind with things that she could do to make things more difficult for us.

Another child's mother has sent her back from contact with a pet (as a present)..

Beginning days have been very tear-filled unsurprisingly. It has been a massive learning curve - not least because we don't have our own children - and feel like in some senses we've been 'dropped into' it and situations where there just aren't the resources to provide the support expected.
Oh and we've probably spent more than we have coming in!

One thing I hadn't considered was the poverty that the children would be coming from. A couple of children who've been here had never been to the cinema - not had new clothes and had only ever been out to eat at McDonalds. Although intellectually I knew this would be the case, on a personal level, when you see, in your home, a child who has grown up with nothing, there is a natural instinct to try and 'buy things better' that I've had to curb and become conscious of. Not least because it is likely that they will be returning to this situation and I don't want to create unrealistic expectations.
That's actually one of the things I've found the hardest.