Some Advice Please about Fostering and Adoption

[LovestheChaos]

DH and I have been married for 10 years and always wanted a huge family/house full of kids.

My 3 pregnancies were horrendous and nearly killed me and I have had many m/c.

I would be crazy to get pregnant again and have been really sad about the fact that it didn't seem like we would be able to add to the family.

About a year ago DH and I decided that we would like to foster/adopt. We have thought about it a lot and have finally applied! I am so excited!!! I love the idea of adding to the family this way rather than becoming pregnant again.

I don't know if they would consider us suitable though. We have 3 lovely kids ages 9.6, and 4. Would social services be reluctant to let us take on another child? Our oldest has aspergers syndrome but he is very sweet and loving. He does really well in school. We do have a special interest in ASD and ADHD because of our son.

We have a large house with many big bedrooms and we are financially secure. All three of mine are in full time school. I am home every day but I still work the very occasional shift as a registered nurse at the local hospital once in awhile.

I know that most of the kids that they need to place are older and that they would want to place a child younger than our youngest with us. I think that this is some sort of social services rule.

Do you think we have a chance?

Thanks in advance for any replies!

Hi LovestheChaos, we began fostering when our 3dc's were aged 10, 7, and 4 years old so I don't think that would go against you.

It's more about what you could offer a child, ie love and nurturing.

I know that we could nurture and love another child for certain.

How did your bio children take to having a foster child in the house? My kids say they like the idea but they are young yet.

We included them from the beginning, as much as we could anyway. They were encouraged to ask us and our assessment social worker any questions they wanted to.

We had made it slightly easier on ourselves because from they were tiny we had told them why they were special and individual to us, ie our eldest was special because she was our first baby, our son, because he was our only boy, and our youngest because she was our last baby.

It turned out that the only real concern they had was that we would love the fc's more than them and that we would want to adopt them all.

We had never really grasped how much they valued their "specialness" and we were able to reassure them that they were, and always would be, our children while the fc's would come and go.

Our 3 are all adults now and each of them would tell you how much fostering added to their lives, not that it has been without problems but for the most part it seems as though it has been a positive experience for them.

Okay so we have someone coming to speak to us about fostering. She's coming next week. I am so excited. I just keep telling myself that they will probably say no for whatever reason. That way I won't be too disappointed!!

I feel a bit like that chaos, ive offered to care for cousins of mine who are in care. It took me a long time to ask as I felt sure they would say no.

Chaos, you sound lovely and I reckon Social Services will bite your hand off to have you as a foster carer or adoptive parent.

So far so good!! Met with the SW person. She was straight up about how hard it is and everything but dh and I feel even more strongly about wanting to do this now. It takes about a year to go through the whole process and there is a high drop out rate.

Don't know why I am so nervous. The only blip in my past is when I had mild PND after birth of dc3 same month that ds1 was diagnosed with asd. But sw knows about that and it was years ago.

Fingers crossed. Apparantly they really need carers for babies and toddlers desperately around here.

I guess we really miss having a baby screaming the house down LOL. My kids were colicy as babies so I can deal with it!!

Loves the chaos - don't be nervous - you sound ideal foster carers. I spent 25 years in fostering & adoption and now work independently assessing prospective foster carers and adoptors.

The only advice I can give is to be honest with yourselves as you go through the process and learn more about fostering. It is a 2 way street you know and even though SSD will be assessing you and your suitability to adopt, you too need to really be honest with yourselves as to whether this is something that is right for your family. You sound as though you have the right approach. I am always worried about people who are too sure that it is right for them, are too optimistic and don't take on board some of the problems associated with fostering.

I think you have a great deal to offer, experienced parents, your nursing experience, experiences of ASD and ADHD, large house, financial security.

You won't really know whether it is right for you until you start to foster, but do think long and hard about it as you go through the preparation course. I have a hunch however (and I would rarely say this just from reading a post) that you will be brilliant foster carers. Good luck!

Thanks NanaNina.

We are really excited but really scared at the same time. I have heard so many horror stories about the whole process.

But it's not putting us off. We keep trying to talk ourselves out of it but we can't.

Good! Glad to hear you are pursuing this application. Don't know what horror stories you've heard but there really is nothing to be scared about. I am sure that you realise great care must be taken when considering someone's suitability to foster and this is all that the assessment amounts to really. You will I am sure enjoy the preparation course and you are usually give the opportunity to talk with experienced foster carers which is always very helpful for people about to embark upon the fostering task.

You could google "British Agency for Fostering and Adoption" (BAAF) and/or "Fostering Network" which is the national organisation for fostering. You can join these organisations for a small quarterly sum (about £12 I think) and there is a wealth of information on these sites that you will I am sure find useful/helpful as you wait for your application to proceed.

I think we are scared more of heartache. Having to let go of a child after a long term placement etc. We are fully prepared to long term foster or adopt if we can. I was surpised to hear about how many babies and and little ones are in the system right now and will be fostered long term. Then once they get to a certain age no one wants to adopt them!

I know that the ss assessments are really intrusive and that is a good thing! I lived overseas at one point and was the nurse for a little one who was horrifically abused in a foster home! We've got nothing to hide..we are so nerdy and boring LOL. I don't mind them interviewing friends and co workers etc.

The horror story goes back to my cousins in Florida. They cannot have kids of their own and do a lot of fostering. They fostered a baby who was addicted to drugs. From almost the time he was born they were at his bedside in hospital every day. They took him home and took care of him till he was about 4 and then the biological father showed up out of the blue and wanted his kid.. Apparantly he was all reformed and everything.

I couldn't look after a baby for 4 years and then hand him over to an abusive crackhead which is exactly what happened. The father proved real quickly that he didn't really care about the child and the child was harmed etc. The child is back with his foster parents and getting adopted by them now but the damage was done.

I know I sound judgemental and I am not really. I wouldn't be judging parents and trying to steal their kid or anything. I would do everything I can to help a child maintain his ties with biological family and hope that the parents would improve and be able to have their dc back. But this particular case was a really bad one and the judge and sw's really screwed up.

I read the lady mayor story Mrs.Higgins. That was awful. I can't believe you just got left like that.

Lovesthechaos - There is a big difference between short term fostering (sometimes known as temporary fostering) and long term fostering (sometimes known as permanent fostering). The problem is that "short-term" can mean anything up to 2 years and beyond. This is not how it should be, but numerous assessments have to be carried out on the birth parents by social workers, psychologists, guardians, some psychiatrists etc etc and this all takes time. Sometimes the birth parents get their act together and the child is returned home, only for things to fall apart again and the child is back in the system. Then there is the court process which is unbelievable lengthy and if the case is adjourned (which often happens) then there is often another 6 month wait until the next hearing. There is new legislation now called the Public Law Outline which is meant to speed up this whole process but I am not sure how it is working in practice.

As you say whilst all this is going on the child is growing older and by the time the decision is made to find a permanent home for the child, he is beyond the age that most adoptors will consider. You also have to bear in mind that most of these children will have behavioural/disposition difficulties because of the abuse/neglect related to their pre placement experiences, which also makes adoption a difficult process.

It is also true that it is difficult to find permanent foster carers (especially for older children, and sibling groups) andI have seen this become more and more difficult over time.

All children in the system have to have a care plan and the plan for babies and young children who are not returning home is not to place them in long term foster care but to place them for adoption, though all of this has to be agreed (or not) by the court. If adoptive homes cannot be found, then the usual course of events is to look for permanent foster homes. Foster carers can at a later stage apply for a Special Guardianship Order which gives greater protection to the child and his future and of course the carers.

I think you need to find out about all of these things as it can be confusing. All new foster carers worry about giving a child up to whom they have become attached, but you know sometimes it works the other way, some children are so draining that carers are relieved to see them move on! However if you are a short term carer, you have to be prepared to care for children on a temporary basis, and then for them to move back home or on to adoption or permanent foster care. Therein lies another problem of course as if those resources cannot be identitified then the child remains with the short term carer. It is possible to "convert" a short term placement into a long term one and these are very successful as you already know the child and are happy to commit to him on a permanent basis.

You will need to talk over with a social worker which is the best option for you, adoption or fostering. I would not advise you to go straight into long term fostering though. I always think it best to get a "feel" for fostering before committing yourself to a specific child on a long term basis.

Anyway you sound just the right sort of person to be taking this very important step and I wish you well.

Thank you!! We met with the social worker and I got a message from her saying we have been approved to start the course that potential foster carers have to take. She said she thought we would be really good.

Fingers crossed.

I was reading back through this post and wondered if LovestheChaos had any further news and had decided to continue with the assessment.

I'm just nosey..............

i admire anyone who fosters or adopts. Good luck to you. Nothing in life worth having is easy and while I can imagine that fostering and adopting are incredibly hard work with difficult issues to overcome it must be incredibly rewarding to give children a decent chance in life.