Should I try to get in touch?

[scardypants]

Hi,

I was in a foster home for about 5months from birth (I'm now 31!) and am thinking about trying to make contact with the lady who looked after me.

I always knew I was in foster care until my Mum was in a position to look after me properly but just today she talked alot about what was happening (I mentioned I was considering fostering)at the time and how life was for her. One thing she talked about was how lovely the foster mother was, both to me and to her on visits. She said the woman had a scrapbook of all the children she had in her care over the years which I thought was lovely.

Mum also said that the nun who arranged my foster care (and who, without Mum's consent,tried to arrange my adoption) had a very poor opinion of Mum and her ability to care for me and made her feelings known to my foster mother. I suppose the times that were in it she felt the 'surgeon and the lawyer were much better equiped to raise a child than the 23yr old who been abandoned by the father of the child and couldn't tell her mother because of the shame it would bring on the family!

I'd like to make contact to say "thank you" and to let her know that I had a good upbringing in spite of what she may have been led to believe at the time. To let her know that she made a difference to my Mum and made it possible for my Mum to put in place all that she needed to in order to bring me home and take care of me. My concern is that maybe she wouldn't want to be contacted after all this time.

For any of you who are fostering how would you feel? Do you wonder how the children get on after they leave? Do you leave it at 'wondering' or would you chose to 'know' if you could?

I'd appreciate any thoughts/opinions.

Thanks

SC

I did about 18 months ago and both ladies were thrilled to bits. Do it!

(sorry for the delay getting back - had to make dinner)

Thanks for the replies

FBG glad you had such a positive response. Do you mind if I ask were you a baby or an older child at the time they fostered you? I was only five months old when Mum came for me so I didn't have a relationship or memories to look back on. If I do manage to locate her she may think I'm a little crazy when I don't actually know her.

Because we're thinking about it I know I would love to have an update on any child moving on from our home but everyones different so I'm quite hesitant to start a search in case it seems intrusive.

The first lady I wrote too was my foster mum when I was about 7 and I do remember her and her family, her house, everything. I remember being so happy with her and devastated when I was moved.

Her answer came a few days before christmas 2007 and when photos of me fell out of the enevelope, that she had kept for nearly 30 years, well you can imagine the feelings.

The second lady I contacted was also thrilled to bits to hear from me and we have also kept in touch. She told me she was a befriender when I was at the children's home as I didn't know how I knew her. I had remembered staying at her house as the snow had come down very heavily while I was visiting her and she gave me a plastic bag set of colouring books and crayons.

It has been the best thing I ever did getting in touch and it was thanks to a MNer who found the address for me. Turned out she had moved from there but everyone knows everyone there so it got to her.

Go for it.

I would be absolutely thrilled if one of our former fc's got in touch with us.

Some of them will be adults with lo's of their own by now and most but not all of them were babies when we cared for them.

Years ago we fostered a brother and sister who after 18 months or so with us were returned home to their mum and step-father. The youngest was around 4 years old at that time.

When she was 11 she asked social services to put her back into care and she was placed with another carer I knew.

This carer rang me and asked if I remembered the child because she remembered us very well. She asked if, by any chance, we had any photo's of the childs time with us.

I said I would have a look but that I had given both children their own life story book full of photo's and mementos of their stay here.

The carer told me that within days of the children going home their step-father had ripped up these books in front of them

Luckily I found quite a few photo's which I sent on to her.

Hi again,

Sorry I took so long to come back. I had a job assessment test yesterday that took place four hours away from home so I was gone all day.

The last two posts have left me a little emotional. FBG I'm so happy for you that you've been able to contact those ladies and had a positive outcome to your search. It's hard to say that to a complete stranger on an internet forum without sounding like you're 'just saying it' but I really am happy for you. I don't want to make assumptions about your childhood but I can imagine from your post that there were certainly parts that were not easy and I'm just happy that you're happy. Maybe it's the mother in us or the woman in us or maybe just the human in us that wants all children to be happy even our inner children. I hope your inner child is smiling. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

Flower as I mentioned in my op I am considering fostering but your post has made me question again whether I have it in me to do it. I know it's not got to do with being too soft or too emotional because I don't think a person void of emotion could take children into their home and not become attached or not be emotional or even devastated when they have to leave especially when there's a concern for their safety, physical, emotional or mental. It's more to do with inner strength and the ability to overcome or just live/cope with tremendous hurt and sorrow in order to help another child in need. I've read threads on here and foster parents stories on other sites and I know that I'm no different when it comes to the emotional side of it. The hurt and pain experienced by some has been heartbreaking just to read yet they do it again to help another child, even for a brief period in their life to have stability, love and happiness and a safe place to be a child. Is it a stronger faith, a stronger mind, a stronger heart? I don't know but I have huge admiration for the courage and selflessness it must take to greet a new little face you know you will love but will eventually have to say goodbye to someday. I'm not sure if you still foster but if you do I wish you continued inner strength to do the wonderful job you do.

I've decided to make a start at trying to find my foster mum. I have no idea how I'll go about it but I'm going to try. I need her to know she did a wonderful thing for my mum and for me and that even though I was only a baby, as the adult that child has become, I'm grateful to her.

Take care all

SC

Hi SC,

Thank you for your kind words, yes we do still foster, coming up to 22 years now.

We are currently in the last week or so of our time with wonderful lo who will be returning home. I am dreading her leaving as I do with all of "my" babies but I know I will recover and move on to, hopefully, another lo who needs me.

I wish you well in your search and hope you find her.