PROTECTING MY CHILDREN FROM THE EVIL OUTLAWS!

[HOLLY2310]

Hi, I was after some advice concerning my children. I am going through a divorce at the moment, however I have two children aged 11 and 5. My children see their dad every fortnight and I dont have a problem with this, however his mum and brother are a pain and my soon to be ex-husband makes a point of taking the kids round to his mum's house. My daughter has overheard them making nasty remarks and she gets upset by this, at the moment she is 11 and wants to see her dad and feels she has no choice but to see his mum plus they use emotional blackmail to make her feel guilty - its how his family seem to operate and they really never think about the effect this has on the children! Whilst I feel its necessary for children to see their father and through my solicitor contact has been arranged for one weekend every two weeks, however when can the children decide if they want to see him less? and what can I do to stop his family from winding them up and playing mind games with them?

What a horrible situation! Unfortunately there isn't much you can do to stop them seeing your in-laws. I would speak to your solicitor and see what s/he reccommends. I may be wrong, but I think the child has to be 12 to make their own decisions regarding custody, but surely your daughter's opinion should bear some weight??

Definitely speak to your solicitor, maybe s/he can liaise with your x-h solicitor regarding acceptable levels of contact with his family??

Best of luck.

Thanks SummerC, I will get back to my solicitor and ask them. Kindest regards

This is a really tricky one and something that I fear legal intervention might only make worse.

"Custody" does not exist in this country anymore as both parents hold PR. Your ex has the right to take the children to his family, although with the 5 year old you could exercise your PR by stating that he needs to prevent the children from hearing such conversations because of the effect it is having. If he refuses or the problem continues then you can state that you are only happy for the children to see their grandparents under certain conditions or you can stop it altogether. This is fine if he is willing to observe your rights as their mother to protect them but he can also counter balance this. More difficult with the older one because in the eye of the law she has a voice.

Often the best way forward is for you to remain passive in this issue to start with and you will find that the children begin to talk to you about their feelings. When they do it is best not to react emotionally as they can then become confused and upset and feel that their loyalties are divided because no matter what you feel about their dad and his family, the children need to be able to feel free to continue to love him and them. You need to allow the children to talk to you about their feelings without them feeling that they will hurt your feelings with what they have overheard. They also need to know that they have a choice as to whether they continue to have these visits as they stand and that they can chose not to go if they want to and that you will be the one to take the blame with your ex and not them as they will feel very guilty about not wanting to go if that is the case.

Sorry - I will stop now ....!