Fostering a grandchild

[adultchildhelp]

My daughter (22) has been in a relationship with an abusive man for about 10 months. She is 6 months pregnant - baby was planned against my warning.

She has continued an on/off relationship with this man for months but is also getting support from a domestic violence charity. Social services have now told her if she sees the ex at all they will apply to the courts to remove the baby as soon as it is born.

I have said from the beginning of the relationship that this would happen and that I would not be taking responsibility for the baby. I’m terrified she’ll continue to see him and the baby will be removed. I really don’t want to take responsibility for it and am unsure how I could even afford to because of work.

Is anyone a grandparent in a similar situation and can tell me what has happened? Have you fostered the grandchild? Is that even an option?

thanks

A friend of mine is kin/grandparent guardian to TWO as after taking on one the daughter had another…
It wasn’t a walk in the park at 50+, 14 yrs on keeping up with pre teen and teen is really hard on her and her partner physically and financially.
It’s not been easy on the kids either both of which have educational challenges.
In their circumstance the children are with her/her husband M-F and the other grandparents F after school to Sunday eve.

There’s a lot of things to consider.

Practically and legally, there are different ways you could have care of the child.

You could foster the baby. This brings ongoing support and supervision by the LA and you would also be paid an allowance as foster carers.
You would have a social worker as would the baby.
There’s benefits to this as you have access to funding and training but the child would remain a child in care unless they ever returned to mums’ care.

The LA are unlikely to want a long term fostering arrangement from birth. If there was little chance of the baby being able to be with parents then the LA and the courts will want permanence secured for the child.

If they were considering you as long term carers then they would likely push towards a special guardianship order. You would have PR but your daughter would also retain her PR.

There’s also a child arrangements order but again unlikely to be the choice of the LA and the courts.

Ok so other things to consider.

How will your relationship with your daughter and wider family be impacted.

What if she’s not allowed to be alone with the baby. Family time, birthdays, Christmas, holidays etc all need to be thought about.

How often do you all spend time as a family and how would this be impacted with you having care of her child.

How would you feel about managing contact potentially with dad as well?

Can you hold firm and manage conflict with birth parents? You’d have to choose the child every time.

Does your daughter need you? Does your priority need to be keeping her safe because you may have to choose between them.

Is it possible for your daughter to raise the baby with your support if she agrees to give up the boyfriend?

How old are you and how is your health? Can you commit to raising this child into adulthood if needed?

What’s the general family situation? Is there trauma and conflict. Honestly, would this baby be better off being adopted to strangers if your daughter cannot care for them. It’s not always the best thing for family to have care of children. Kinship care has a number of downsides which often aren’t discussed/explored enough.

Thank you both for the reply.

They have no concerns about my daughter’s ability to parent. The concern is that she continues to see the father therefore putting the child in a dangerous situation.

The father cannot see the child and I think that’s likely to be for a very long time. He is ‘under investigation’ and isn’t even allowed to take the parenting courses he’d need to until that case is resolved (which is likely to take ‘considerable time’) I think best case he is looking at supervised visits and not for a v long time (probably never because he is likely to just continue to get into trouble).

I do not want to take on responsibility of the child. But the thought of my grandchild being in care is just devastating to me. I haven’t had any involvement with the social worker but I wonder if their first port of call for a foster carer will be the closer family members? I do not believe anyone else in the family would take this on.

Im mid 40s and very fit but I have three children. The youngest has just started secondary school. My wage is very much relied on.

I think I probably need to speak to the social worker but even then maybe she’d tell me it’s all confidential at this point. I really don’t know. I like to know and prepare myself for all the outcomes but I really don’t know what will happen next.

They will try to work with her to keep them together especially if there are no concerns about her.

Are they doing a pre-birth parenting assessment with her?

They may offer a mother and baby placement.
They may give her the chance to parent with a court order in place and close supervision.

If they go for removal at birth there would still be court proceedings (unless both parents didn’t contest the order). If parents don’t retain care of the baby then the likely outcomes would be adoption or kinship care. Sometimes the baby is in a foster to adopt placement which means they are placed with a family as a foster child but with a view to adoption. I’ve seen this work amazingly well.

A baby will not spend a long time in the care system unless things go very wrong. The longest time would be the length of the care proceedings. Baby foster carers are highly skilled and trained and expert at managing a good transition to adoptive parents.

The social worker won’t be able to tell you a huge amount without consent from your daughter but it’s a good idea to get in touch. Don’t feel guilted into taking on the care of this baby. If they need to be adopted, they will be fine.

Me and my husband have a special guardianship order for my GC. We were asked to take her when she was removed by the police. There then followed a full year of fostering assessments, parenting assessments etc before the final decision was made about where and who she would live with. It was truly awful. I see it as two different issues. We know with absolute conviction that we made the right decision for the child. The other issue is harder to reconcile, our own loss in respect of retirement, no money and the difficulty in dealing with what has happened to our GC. Will your daughter not end the relationship for the sake of her child? Your decision going forward is one for you to make without pressure or influence and you just never feel bad if you decide you are unable to do it. Children's services will push hard for a family member to come forward so do not bow to that if you feel you don't want to. It is an enormous decision to have to make. Also, if it's applicable in this case, don't allow your daughter to think she can have it all, ie a relationship with this man and you looking after her baby. Happy to answer any questions you may have.

The social worker absolutely should be contacting you and it's not confidential as it's high risk child protection so they can talk to you. They should tell your DD they are doing so and try to get her to meet with you and them together to discuss the support you can offer.

Thank you. That sounds like a really hard situation for you.

I seriously hope she does not see the father again for the sake of the child. She was strongly advised by social workers etc not to see him but has been. It’s very recent that they have said she must not see him or they will start proceedings to have the child removed at birth.

Financially I can’t see how I could have the child - i can’t afford not to work, I can’t afford nursery fees. Do you receive any financial support?

Also I just don’t know that I could manage; my husband is very against it. We’ve just got our youngest to secondary so it would be a huge step to go back to a full time baby.

Plus I worry then - what will happen with my daughter? Will she come and see the child? What is allowed? How devastating will it all be for her?

I just want her to never see this man again and step up and do her best with the baby. But I’m very scared this isn’t where this is heading.

We received fostering allowance until the point of SGO. Our local authority then pays the equivalent of fostering allowance (minus child benefit, which you have to claim for seperately) but only for two years. Your daughter would be allowed to see her baby, possibly supervised, if the risk she may remain in the relationship exists.
I think the biggest issue is you and your husband not being in agreement. Thankfully mine was, though sometimes it doesn't feel like it. It's a long hard road to tread, especially if you aren't a team. Marriages and relationships break down as a consequence of the huge pressure placed upon you by children s services as well as managing parents. Don't think your daughter will be amenable, she clearly doesn't see the risk so would most likely not agree with the baby being placed outside of her care. It is common for parents to change the narrative and become victims who's children have been "stolen". This happened to us. They become more demanding and belligerent using what little power they perceive to have left. It is a massive thing to happen to you. I can only liken it to a Tsunami wreaking havoc through your life. It hasn't happened yet, and maybe your daughter will see sense but it is better for a child to have long term stability which gives much improved life chances in whatever home it happens. I know exactly the turmoil you will be in, guilt, fear, resentment, sadness and anger sometimes all in the space of an hour.
Can I ask, does she understand the risk and feels she could manage it or does she not realise there is one?

There is a fostering allowance you would get during the care proceedings and a special guardianship allowance long term - but if your DH isn't on board then it's going nowhere I'm afraid. You won't be approved to foster the baby if you aren't both committed.

Thank you for replying.

I think my husband will get on board when it is reality. Right now the baby isn’t here and there isn’t a choice for us to make. He is just very much stuck with ‘she’ll just not have to see the ex then - she can do that’. And of course she can. I know that. But will she - I don’t know.

You are right I feel every emotion under the sun in the space of about five minutes. It’s awful.

Yes my daughter KNOWS he is a risk. She has been to the hospital and police more than once. I don’t think she believes he’d hurt his child and can’t see that him hurting her around the child would be enough.

God I just hope she steps up now.

Could she live with you?
If she is still in the denial phase and he's that much of a risk I doubt they would be satisfied with her taking baby home to her own place even if she decides she will stop seeing him now. If she does say this and would agree to move in with you when baby is born that might be enough of a safety plan. Alternatively they may propose she goes into a mother and baby placement. I really don't think it will be as simple as 'oh I have seen the light now and promise I won't let him come around' sadly

@adultchildhelp you’re both in a horrendous position here and I can understand how torn you feel. I’d gently say that if you are both absolutely sure, don’t do it.

If this baby can’t safely live with their mum/family then the best thing might be for them to go to a family who desperately want them and not tired stressed grandparents who absolutely didn’t sign up for raising a baby.

It wouldn’t be a selfish decision, it might be a really brave one.

What about his family? They may approach them too if there’s someone suitable.

A work colleague took on her three great nieces and nephew. All 3 have major issues and they’ve ruined her life.

A neighbour I know took on her daughter's three children. I forget the name of the arrangement (kinship order or special guardianship order maybe, reading some of these posts), but because she agreed to do it this way, she wasn't entitled to any of the money that a foster carer usually would be. It really impacted the household as obviously the mum/grandma was unable to work,

She can’t live with us and wouldn’t want to. There’s not space to start with but also we’ve tried having her live with us and it’s really hard for everyone.

She says the social worker tells her the baby will be able to live alone with her providing she doesn’t see the ex. My thought was maybe this is why she’s been told 3 months before the baby is due - to see whether she sticks to it. The social worker has helped with getting social housing and grants for whites goods - I’m hoping she wouldn’t do this if she knew living on her own with the baby wasn’t Going to be an option.

It’s breaking my heart to think ahead - I just really really hope she doesn’t see him.

If not living with you, is she near by so you can support her daily. I would see my role now as helping her prepare for the baby and supporting her in not seeing this dangerous, idiot man child.