Thinking of fostering - feedback

[Mumtum88]

Hello,

we’re in the early stages of thinking of fostering, we have a stable home, good jobs which are balanced. My husband’s is quite demanding and he can travel from time to time but it is balance with me working part time and currently doing school hours to make sure at least one of us is around at all times. We have a spare room and fostering is something we’ve always wanted to do but we’ve never been settled enough to take it on. We have 2 children 11 and 5 which are now in a great routine and are financially stable so this is something we are considering. I think long term fostering would be better than short term as the intergration would be a more permanent fixture which I hope will make everyone more settled.

im just looking for feedback from current foster parents hopefully some of you may have children of a similar age, the plus and negatives of long term vs short term. Things to consider? My initial thought on age was a child who was close to starting school so we could integrate them to a school my children already go to but thoughts on that as well?

Honestly, I’d wait until your children are older. The impact on your DC could be huge and the FC will need a lot of your time and attention.

I think being at home with your own 2 children, and a foster child while your DH works away could be incredibly difficult.

I'm not a foster carer but have a good friend who has fostered for many years. The majority of the children she has fostered have had a very difficult start in life and her own children, older than yours, have found it difficult at times. She has had to attend many meetings, hospital appointments and training events that working, even term time only, would be next to impossible.

We are foster carers, both work full time too. I do 30 hours usually but currently on mat leave. When we started we had one bio child, now our child is 6 and we also have a bio 4 month old. It is tiring but not unmanageable as both DH and I don't shy away from hard work and we also are 50-50 when it comes to chores and childcare. We have had all sorts of referrals and initially found it hard to say no but then learned our lessons! I will disagree with others and say that you can totally go for it BUT be very very picky with what is realistic to offer. E.g. although you get approved for everything, do start with respite as most kids already in a stable foster home can be a lot more settled and you can see what ages work best for your family. We have had some delightful children that we would have happily supported long term if it wasn't for my then bad pregnancy. The practical things are key too, e.g. where their school is, how often do you have to drive them to contacts etc. Some have no contacts and schools are near, some have contact 3 times a week! So it all depends. If you find a good match, it will be like having a 3rd kid, hard work but lots do it.

I would wait until your children are much older. I foster a 14 year old girl (18 months in) and my birth daughter is 16. She found it a lot harder to adjust to having to share her parents with another child. She has just about settled into it now. I wouldn't have wanted her to be younger, as I don't think it would have been fair to expect her to adjust to such a drastic change in the family dynamic. She was included in the decision to foster and was very up for it but the reality of it hit her harder than she ever imagined
I would enjoy your children whilst they are young, especially seeing as your youngest is only 5. Most foster children come with past trauma which causes varying challenging behaviors, which can be all consuming at times. With the best will in the world your birth children will miss out on your attention.
Childhood is precious and so are the years that you spend raising them. I look back with such fond memories of my daughter's childhood, who always had our full attention and I am so glad that we didn't foster earlier. That said, I am definitely not saying that you shouldn't consider it in the future, as it can be very rewarding, but it's not easy and now is the time to enjoy your own children. Their childhood will be over in a blink of an eye and you don't want to miss out on one single precious moment.

As a child that grew up with parents fostering from myself being a young age, i would say wait until they are way older

I would wait untill your own children are older. Fostering is so hard work. And the pay is very low compared to the hours you will spend.

Hello, we have 5 birth children from 4-8 and a foster daughter is 2. It’s an important and rewarding part of who we are as a family and the kids are well supported and talk wonderfully about how the young people who come to us need to ‘borrow’ a family. Don’t be put off making enquiries and remember a good local authority will be looking to match well to your circumstances.

My parents fostered when I was younger. I was around 11 years old when they got their first foster child and my siblings were 7 (twins) it was great for us. We met a lot of children with different needs, behaviours coming from different situations and learnt about ourselves and what it means to be family in the process. My parents were supportive of all of us. Go into it being able to have frank conversations with your own children and support their learning as well as your foster child's. Wish you all the best with it and good luck!

As other posters have said, it really can vary and is likely to be dependent on the foster child and your own children. I work for a fostering charity (Step by Step) and our foster carers have experienced very positive results with their blended families (bio and foster children). There are just so many varying factors, such as age of foster child, level of need etc.

It may be worth going through the process and then starting with respite fostering as a slow start to see if it works for you and your family. After all, the matching process is so incredibly important for both foster child and foster parent to avoid any potential breakdown. Respite fostering is when you look after a current foster child for a day/weekend/week to give a current foster carer a break.

The fostering assessment process itself can take anything from 6-8 months, which is worth bearing in mind.

Ive never fostered but I know people who have.

1. Very successful, tgeur children had left home. Did it for 20 years.
2. Had another child and the foster child a used her son abd made him very ill.
3. Teenager, absolutely nightmare. Pushed foster parent down stairs, swears, breaks things, hits teachers ... just truly awful.

Good luck!

I have been thinking about fostering for many years
I have 3 children (well adults now) all left home married or in stable relationships with their own homes
i am 53 and live alone

start with respite - i have in-laws that foster and they have a regular weekend guest who comes once a month - just fits in with their birth children and it’s a very positive experience for all. it is a long term
arrangement so important and significant but manageable

I don’t foster but a close relative does. It depends on who you foster with but our council don’t let you do long term straight away, they want you to start with short term and respite and build up to long term.

Also I’d say maybe to wait until your children are older. The children that come to you could have some challenging behaviours, you don’t always get told about them, and other children in the home can be an easy target.

DHs parents fostered when he was growing up and he refuses to do it while we have children in the house.

Hi, thanks for sharing such a thoughtful post. It sounds like you've thought this through carefully and your setup, with one of you part time and available during school hours, is actually one of the more workable arrangements we see.

On long term versus short term: your instinct makes sense. Long term fostering does tend to create more stability for everyone in the household, including your own children, because the routines become predictable and the foster child becomes genuinely embedded in family life. Short term or emergency placements can be rewarding but the uncertainty, and the goodbyes, can be harder on birth children than people expect. That said, some families with children your kids' ages do both successfully.

On age preferences, yes you can express a preference and it will be taken seriously in matching. School age children are among the most commonly placed. Wanting to place a child in a school your children already attend is a practical idea and worth raising early in assessment, though how workable it is depends on local school capacity and the child's specific needs.

Your husband's occasional travel is worth being open about in assessment. It doesn't automatically rule anything out, but it will be a conversation, particularly around what cover looks like when he is away.

The replies above raise fair points but plenty of foster carers in similar circumstances make it work. The honest answer is that it depends enormously on the individual child's needs and your own resilience as a family.

I work for Capstone Foster Care, an independent fostering agency. My response is only applicable to fostering with Capstone.