Adult Child Reference

[Labmum321]

My mum is applying to be a kinship foster carer for a cousin that has given birth but can’t keep the baby due to alcohol dependency and many other reasons.

I love my mum but my childhood wasn’t the best. She can’t regulate her emotions, she put men before us, had a bad temper, used to scream, shout and smack us and likes a drink herself but thinks she doesn’t have a problem because she doesn’t drink in the mornings and goes to work full time. I don’t think she will be best suited. She said she’s mellowed out now, feels bad about our upbringing and wants a ‘second chance’ to do it right this time. She still has a teenager at home, my younger brother, I’ve seen the way she speaks to him when she’s mad and she hasn’t changed as much as she thinks she has.

Do I write a brutally honest reference knowing they will discuss the details with my mum or do I just refuse to give a reference?

Both my adult sisters have been asked to provide one too and we’re all a bit stuck but in agreement that she shouldn’t be applying to do this.

I have spoken to my mum my concerns why I think she shouldn’t do it but she gets defensive, then starts crying about our childhood and she won’t be told no. She said just tell the truth. I feel like I’m opening a massive can of worms because I don’t think my mum realises the extent of how we all truly feel about our childhood.

If she is really insisting you write a reference, and is telling you to tell the truth, then I would suggest you do it in a polite, professional and honest way. ‘Some difficulties regulating emotions with difficult behaviour’ kind of of thing.

I really feel for you though. What is she thinking? She’s putting you in a terrible position. It does sound like she wouldn’t be a great carer for a child who may have high needs so you have to do the right thing by them.

I was a referee when a friend applied to be a foster carer. After I had provided the reference, I was also interviewed by a social worker, who asked me very detailed questions. There were no concerns about the applicant and she was accepted as a foster carer, but quite rightly, it was a robust process. I would suggest couching your reference using professional terms, but then explaining your concerns when interviewed.

You need to be honest.

if your mum is honest about her parenting and reflects on things with the assessor then your reference will help.

if she’s not honest and reflective then your reference will help.

you could state that you don’t consent to your reference or interview being shared with her.

You give an honest reference, you have to.
It’s too important for this child that they are given the best chance possible. That’s not your mum.

Refusing to give a reference will still send a message and raise concerns but please be courageous and stand up for this child and the child you were too.

To add, there are real issues with family members being pushed into caring for relatives children when they aren’t suitable. Sometimes the best thing for a child is to be fostered/adopted outside of the family.

Just to warn you OP that my recent professional experience has been that the bar for kinship carers is low, nothing like the standards non-kinship foster carers and adopters are expected to meet, because of the drive to keep children in their birth families. I wouldn't be amazed if your mum is approved despite an honest reference from you and your siblings, if she is capable of reflection and says the right things about it being different now.

Yes I agree. Being cynical, it’s also cheaper and next the carer will be encouraged to get an SGO to secure permanence for the child and with that comes an eventual drop in support.

It’s really difficult OP but you must be open about your worries and your experience of being parented. The biggest indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour especially with no intervention or evidence of change.

You can also ask for your reference to be confidential (of course your mum might suspect you have raised concerns-but it would not be directly shared with her what you said). You will likely provide a written reference and you can indicate you’d like to speak to a social worker if you’d prefer to verbally share your views.