BM wants to meet me

[suzylee73]

I have a new placement which is long term and they are looking at permanence in the future.

A previous carer had issues with her as they found her controlling, but at this point it as a reunification placement. Another carer picked Mum up for lifts to medical appointments for the child and school events.

Mum is now asking through the SW for me to meet her for coffee. I don't like the idea and I don't understand why. I have met birth Mum in several meetings already and we are civil no more no less

Does anyone find this strange? I have never heard of anyone meeting for coffee, any thoughts?

Thanks x

I wouldn’t do this. I adopted my dd and met the birth parents in a contact centre with supervision from SS, I’d not entertain meeting under any other circumstances. Especially if you are potentially looking to adopt in the future.

I can’t see any benefit for you or the child in having a relationship with the birth parents. Tbh I’m amazed SS haven’t put a stop to it. It wouldn’t be healthy for any party.

I don’t know the circumstances that led the child to be in care, but it’s likely due to the birth parents neglect or abuse of the child. Very very few children end up in foster placements / adoption due to simply being unwanted

I can’t see any benefit for you or the child in having a relationship with the birth parents
What a worrying point of view you have. The number of adopted children who, as adults, want to find their birth parents is very high - I wonder why?

The child does see birth family I'm a foster carer.

Not all children can see birth parents as it can be unsafe and I totally respect that too.

But should foster carers meet birth family for coffee??

There are processes and procedures for children to have contact with their birth parents, depending if they are in foster care or have been adopted. All of these are in the child’s best interests. Informal chats over coffee with a foster carer is most definitely not one of them. Depending on the ‘why’s’ there could be security risks for the
child and/or foster carer involved.

OP, if you’ve not already done so, I’d discuss with the SW

I don't think it's strange at all for mum to want to meet you, I guess it's normal for her to be curious and she may have information she wants to share directly. The child is going to be part of your family for a long time, but s/he will always be part of her birth family too, particularly as there is contact. As s/he gets older they may manage their own contact and choose to visit birth family under their own steam. In general, the better relationship you can build with the birth family the better.

I've known set ups where birth mum regularly went round to the foster parents home for Sunday lunch for example, it's not standard but it's far from unheard of.

Of course this all depends on what birth mum is like and whether there is a risk to you, or whether she could try to destabilize the placement
It doesn't sound like you have enough information about her to be able to make that decision yet. You should talk to the social worker about this and whether there is a different way that you could have contact that would be more suitable (a meeting with professionals, or a phone call for example) or whether in fact it's too risky to do even this.

But my approach would be to approach it positively unless there is a reason for not doing so.

Is the plan permanence with you or reunification to child’s mum?

It's natural and understandable for the mum to want to meet and know the person caring for her child, so I don't find that strange at all.
Also understandable for you not to be comfortable meeting privately for a coffee.
Can you ask your social worker to supervise/facilitate a meeting and make clear to mum that you're only willing to have a professional rather than personal relationship?

Only agree to such a meeting with a SW present. Sad as it sounds the birth mother could claim you promised this or that and it would be your word against there's. If the birth mother just genuinely wants to meet the person who is caring for their DC then having a SW present to facilitate that would be something you need to do to protect yourself.

I'm a bit confused about the long-term/permanence/reunification thing. Are they looking to reunify parent and child? Or long-term with you? The two scenarios would make this very different.

If the SW has asked you, presumably they believe it is safe. But you don't feel comfortable. I agree with PP that you need a little more information, and with a different PP that perhaps it would be good to consider doing it with SW present.

If the child is going to stay with you long term and no plans to return home, then I see no reason for you meeting mum outside of any official meeting. You will be the one with delegated authority and mum can be updated through official channels regarding the child’s well being, school progress etc.
When you take the child for contact there will be an opportunity for mum to ask you questions about her child too and I’m sure you will be sharing information then too, you will have a relationship with her of sorts.
I’m surprised the SW has asked you about an informal meet up. I’ve never heard of this happening and I wouldn’t agree without a SW being present.

I have two children long term and we’ve done things like go out for meals with birth family on the children’s birthdays and my husband has taken the dad with him when he’s taken the kids to places like football matches and go karts. So if they asked us to meet for coffee we probably would, but that relationship has been built over several years.

I did go shopping with the birth mum fairly early into having the kids as she wanted help buying one of them a birthday present. It was fine. I feel I’m fairly good at being pleasant to birth parents but professional.

To be honest I would probably say yes, agree to both make your own way separately to and from a public cafe, but make sure you’re guarded and don’t agree to any requests she might make while out with you, such as seeing the child on her own or ferrying her around anywhere. If she does try to put you on the spot I would just keep repeating ‘well I don’t want to get into trouble so I can’t agree to that without speaking to the social worker.’