Fostering and IVF

[Lampo]

Is anyone aware of agencies who consider couples undergoing IVF on a case by case basis rather than having a blanket 'No' policy please?

My husband and I have been undergoing IVF for around a year with around another year or so to go (we are currently embryo banking, no longer doing the usual 6 week IVF cycles).

We are realistic about our very, very low chances but are in the fortunate position to be able to afford to have this 'last role of the die'. I will be banking eggs for up to a year and then transferring any embryos in the months that follow. It takes me around 3 rounds of IVF just to bank 1 embryo to give you an idea of our odds

We have been looking at fostering for a long time now, it is our hope to one day foster long term, we are particularly interested in helping keep siblings together. However, we recognise that short and long term fostering isn't currently appropriate as in the (very unlikely) event I get pregnant this would be unsettling to a foster child but we thought Respite Fostering (weekends and school holidays) would be something we could offer in our current circumstances.

However, we are having no luck whatsoever to even get out of the starting blocks. I keep getting told by agencies that they will NOT consider us for ANY fostering, including respite, as a matter of policy due to IVF. I get told to complete my IVF cycle (even though I explain we are not doing normal 6 week cycles) and if it is unsuccessful I can apply 8 months after I fail to get pregnant as it will apparently take this long for a failed IVF couple to become 'emotionally stable' - ouch! Based on these policies we will not be considered for respite fostering until maybe 2027.

In this time we could, I believe, provide good care for a foster child at weekends and holidays and in doing so help out foster families who need a break. To just be dismissed outright is really disheartening.

Is anyone aware of agencies who consider couples undergoing IVF on a case by case basis rather than having a blanket 'No' policy?

Thank you.

As a parent of two ND DC, I would be concerned about the physical aspect as much as the emotional. You will likely sometimes be expected to physically remove a child from places, I had to do this up until my eldest was around 6. This sometimes would involve me being kicked or hit by DC. The children are going through enough without them having the guilt of anything going wrong in your pregnancy. Fostering can wait.

@Manucurist thanks for replying. May I ask if physical violence is common in respite care?

I don't have any experience of fostering but do have experience of DC fleeing domestic violence. Obviously emotional regulation is something that lots of these DC will struggle with, the majority will come from trauma and many will have disabilities. Removing for my DC usually happened when they could not regulate at school, so needed to come home. But to them this felt like a punishment so they would spiral.

Respite carers are ideally the same people doing it year on year. If your planning on having a baby then you can’t offer it.

Would you consider Supported Lodgings? It's usually more flexible as the young people are older, require less intensive support (and no physical element) and the placements are not usually longer than a year or two, often shorter. Could be a better option for your life as it is right now.

We find there's limited demand for respite carers, many foster carers don't actually want respite once they have a child who is settled, and if they do they often have someone from their support network, be that a foster carer they know or their own family/friends.

Thanks, I hadn’t thought about it like that. Irrespective of the IVF situation we would like to have long term placements in the future and I was told by an agency that respite can be done as a stepping stone to long term fostering (then I mentioned the IVF and was dropped like a hot rock!).

I haven’t heard of this and will look into it, thanks very much.

At the core of everything is the needs of vunerable children. The children have to come before what you want.

I’m aware of that and of course they should be.

What I’m saddened to learn that as a matter of policy we are being immediately discounted rather than considered on a case by case basis.

As a foster carer who needs short breaks I would say wait, my short break carer is a huge part of the whole family team around the child and having changes of short break carer is disruptive and unsettling for an already traumatised child. We have had four short break carers in 3 years and every change has added to the trauma my young person has. The agencies aren't being awkward, they have the best interests of the child at heart. I am sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear.

Thank you, this helps me understand a little more I guess.

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. As others have said this isn’t a personal thing, it’s about putting the needs of the children first. It ideally is the same people providing this care year on year and the issue with starting this while doing IVF is there are just no guarantees.

You don’t do IVF unless you hope to have your own child and so although you say now you would like to do this every year anyway, you simply could not safely do this if you were pregnant, had a newborn in the house, or a young child of your own in the house. And the reality is that everything changes when you have your own child, you want to do anything and everything for them, every last bit of your time, patience, energy is theirs and these children for weekend respite are usually children who also have quite high needs in one way or another. They know these things, which is why they set these rules. It’s not personal, it’s about what is best for the children.

Have you considered Shared Lives? I'm a shared lives carer for an adult with autism, it is very rewarding and more flexible than fostering.

In the kindest possible way, there are really good reasons that you can’t foster when undergoing IVF - no matter what type you are having. Even the embryo banking you mention can be hugely stressful.

Have you thought about volunteering at a child contact centre? It’s usually weekend volunteering, once or twice a month, and helps children who are part of fractured families.

Thanks for this. I don’t think it’s for me but appreciate the recommendation.