Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Fostering

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on fostering.

Original poster

Foster application reference

5 replies

Mumlife2019 · 12/05/2025 15:28

Hi all, hoping someone could help. I am in the UK and I have just done an expression of interest form on the phone for fostering 0-2 year olds. I have a social worker coming for a house visit on 30th may. During this phone call I was asked for ex partner (my daughters dad) to do a reference. I have said I don’t feel comfortable about this as there was domestic abuse, we were helped to move home by my domestic abuse worker. We have had peace now for 2 and a half years, I really don’t want to disturb that and potentially cause problems again.

The lady on the phone said that the social worker who comes to the house will ask more about this and that she may suggest to use other people as references instead. I have emailed my old domestic abuse worker to see if she could provide something stating that it wouldn’t be safe for me and my daughter if he was contacted.

Has anyone had any experience with this? Were you able to seek other references? I’d be so so gutted if I’d not be able to progress with my application just because of this!

Thanks!

OP posts:
Ted27 · 13/05/2025 20:40

@Mumlife2019

It's standard practice for ex partners to be contacted where there are shared children.
If you have serious concerns about your safety if he were to be contacted you need to discuss that with your SW. Be very honest with them.
They will also want to speak to your daughter - if she us old enough to talk about her dad and expesses worries about him being contancted I'm sure it will add some weight.
If they insist I would consider talking to another agency.
You will be asked for several references, your application won't hinge on getting a reference from him. Good luck

Apksbdv · 13/05/2025 20:42

You don’t necessarily need that reference but you will need to evidence why it can’t be sought so your domestic abuse worker is a good person to ask and if family know it would be good to highlight that to the social worker that it can be discussed with them.

Original poster
Mumlife2019 · 13/05/2025 21:57

Ted27 · 13/05/2025 20:40

@Mumlife2019

It's standard practice for ex partners to be contacted where there are shared children.
If you have serious concerns about your safety if he were to be contacted you need to discuss that with your SW. Be very honest with them.
They will also want to speak to your daughter - if she us old enough to talk about her dad and expesses worries about him being contancted I'm sure it will add some weight.
If they insist I would consider talking to another agency.
You will be asked for several references, your application won't hinge on getting a reference from him. Good luck

Hi, thanks for your reply! Yeah she’s going to write a letter to say I had support from the domestic abuse team regarding him. She’s only 6 so I’m not sure how she would react to being asked really! The reason to get us moved was threats to me, stalking/harrasment from his family (parking outside/watching my house all night waiting for us to leave the house to try and snatch her). Contact was stopped and went through solicitors as daughter who has health conditions needs weren’t being met, medication not being given list goes on. Was supposed to get a contact arrangement through family court 2.5 years ago, but he never went through with it. We’ve had peace from him for over 2 years now. I feel like he would use this as an opportunity to be malicious as he would have a chance to ruin something good for me. I also feel he cannot give a view on my parenting, we were living together for not even a year of my daughters life. In that time he was hardly ever home, when he was I was being abused physically, emotionally, financially. I am going through local authorities, really hoping I’m panicking for nothing and when they come to do our home visit they give me the chance to seek other references.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumlife2019 · 13/05/2025 22:00

Apksbdv · 13/05/2025 20:42

You don’t necessarily need that reference but you will need to evidence why it can’t be sought so your domestic abuse worker is a good person to ask and if family know it would be good to highlight that to the social worker that it can be discussed with them.

Hi, thanks for your reply! I have spoken with my DV worker although I haven’t had any help from them since January last year, as I’ve not needed to reach out as we’ve not had any issues since moving. She will write a letter to confirm she worked with me regarding him. Hoping the social worker can see past this and accept other references as I’d be gutted if this was my reason not to be able to go ahead ☹️

OP posts:
ThatGoldCrab · 15/06/2025 18:31

Hi Mumlife, well done for making the move. It’s a bit nerve wracking isn’t it. They’ll want to dive into every single area of your life from the moment you’re born. Every long term relationship you’ve had, every home you’ve lived in etc. obviously not everyone can be spoken to but if you can justify why then it’s ok. They’ll want confirmation of the why and that can be done in loads of different ways. Court docs, family & friend testimonies should all be similar about the situation etc. your 6 year old won’t know she’s being interviewed and they may speak to her school. We had a past partner who declined to be interviewed and it didn’t cause any problems. Just be ready for the intense conversations about you and how you’ve dealt with things. It feels very intrusive but it’s all for the right reasons. Good luck x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page