Why did she say that?

[Mo819]

I really don't know what I'm looking for from this thread .I was in care for a short time when I was a baby/toddler i am unclear on the details .I was prompted a few years ago after the death of my biological father (estranged) to find my foster family. I was looking for answers I suppose and my family always told me conflicting stories.
She told me some lovely things like my mum had fought really hard to get me back . But then she said that my dad had laughed about the fact that I had been homeless with them in a car and learned to teeth chewing on a spanner. Because of that comment I feel so bitter towards my deceased father. I knew my dad wasn't perfect but now I think he was cruel.

I don’t think he was being cruel laughing about it. I think he was using dark humour to deflect the embarrassment and humiliation he felt of not being able to provide a home for his family. You won’t have been using a spanner to chew on when teething, it was likely just something jovial to say about you all living in a car to try to make light of the situation. Lord knows why she told you though, she probably just thought it was a humorous story and had no idea it would impact you in this way. They must have been desperate times for your parents, living in a car with a small baby. Try not to dwell too much on what she said

My ds (adopted) was told by his former foster carer, who looked after him till age 3, that his birth grandfather refused to enter her house when he dropped his daughter (birth mother) off to visit him. Foster carer said birth Grandfather was so ashamed that a Grandson of his was in foster care, that he wouldn't enter the house to visit him even when foster carer went out to the car to try to persuade him to come in. This made my ds feel rubbish and that his birth Grandfather didn't love or want him and must have been so ashamed of him, as if he was a stain on their family. I've told him that none of that matters, what matters is your life now and who you are now and the people who love and care about you today. I think quite often people don't realise the impact on other people of what they think is a harmless, jokey, throwaway comment.

Agee with the previous poster about him being embarrassed and using dark humour. It was no doubt a really stressful, nerve-wracking situation to be in at the time for you and your bio parents. It wouldn’t surprise me if your dad didn’t know quite what to say, and said something flippant/dumb as a result of the situation. He may have been humiliated. We’ve all done and said stupid and insensitive things, and no one would want to be defined by one thing they said in life. Your foster carer said something stupid, who knows why they said it. Maybe she thought she conveyed it amusingly. This is exactly what I mean about people saying stupid/insensitive things…

Men were also often taught not to express their feelings, and be “strong”. You only have one very tiny piece of the story in this situation.

You won’t know what your father was really thinking or feeling. This would have been informed by his parents, upbringing, and background too. People that say cruel things will often have been on the receiving end of that too, and might not always know how to express love or react appropriately (ime). Even though it may be hurtful and cruel, it’s not the full picture. We are all flawed human beings.