The Basics - What to buy a child who turns up with not much

[potenial]

Hi Folks,

I know each child will be different depending on age, interests etc, but I was wondering if anyone has a list (with quantities) of what they buy a child who turns up with just what they're wearing, or with very little, immediately (or very soon after arrival)?
This might be an amount you 'top them up to', so for example, if a child turns up with 3 tops, do you buy them more up to top up to a certain number? Or are there things you make sure they get within a certain amount of time with you?

Thanks!

You were fostered and had a very negative experience?

They weren’t saying that every fostered child is disabled. They were making the point that you cannot compare the costs of raising ones’ own biological child with the costs of caring for a foster child, because, unless your bio child is disabled and therefore requires you to become a carer for them, you can go out and get paid work.

Foster carers can’t, because fostering comes with so many responsibilities and requirements such as attending meetings and reviews; taking on additional paid work isn’t possible.

That is why foster carers need enough money to make this possible, and why the cost of raising a FC is higher than the cost of raising a biological child, generally speaking.

The first couple of weeks of being an FC are ovewhelming with a change to routine and lots of meetings. Make things as easy for yourself as you can. Would anyone in you support network support with a supermarket dash to pickup some bits e.g. cerial fammiliar foods e.g. beans spageti hoops potnoodles and clothese in the right size. Ubber Eats, Just eat and Amazon Prime can also be your friend. If you buy second hand for yourself and children then the children choosing a bundle of good quality second hand can be a great way to start and you can then add to it when shopping and buy things like shoes as new items.

not cynical, at all @mathanxiety.

Just extrapolating, if each of us have, say, three children, we would all need £2400, per month, to raise them?

It is not an opinion, if, the state deems it reasonable, that £800 is how much it costs to fund our foster carers? Per month, per child!

I'm sure this has been said, I was in foster care and went through a few foster families.
There is every chance whatever you buy will 'get lost' so don't go crazy. I started with a sports bag of my things and then was handed a carrier bag as I left the first home and arrived at the fourth in just my clothes, all the toys and photos I'd had, gone.

I was bought things while in foster care as well and none of it managed to stay with me, it's not always foster parents pinching stuff, the social workers were terrible for it. I was moved once on my birthday and my presents from family and the previous foster placement were in the back of his car, which he drove off with and when my granny phoned the office, it was three weeks until he turned up apologised because he'd needed space in the boot and thrown it all out as he didn't believe he'd see me again.

Complaints where made and my family were told to suck it up as social services are not a storage solution.

I did hate having to 'make do' with ill fitting clothes or even worse, ill fitting boys clothes. I must admit I did get sad over the many toys and cuddlies, I was bought that then vanished. I also 'lost' a very nice new winter coat which I saw at school when my previous foster families daughter started.

It's tricky to navigate but I would say charity shops are your friend.

Nobody views a care kids possessions as important and everyone always blamed my parents for the fact I had nothing!

@lilmishap

what you've just said and how you must have felt as a child in care is exactly what needs to be heard.

"I did hate having to 'make do' with ill fitting clothes or even worse, ill fitting boys clothes. I must admit I did get sad over the many toys and cuddlies, I was
bought that then vanished. I also 'lost' a very nice new winter coat which I saw at school when my previous foster families daughter started.

Nobody views a care kids possessions as important and everyone always blamed my parents for the fact I had nothing!"

So to all of the posters, on this thread, who advocate for £7 Sainsbury's underwear, wee wheelie cases or accusing the concerned, of a
"cynical turn of mind and the inability to distinguish between fact and opinion"

Should, take note?

eta; punctuation

I'm not sure what point you're trying to make but why are you so angry at this question?

The op is asking a genuine question and you're just so angry at it.Why? It costs thousands a week to keep a kid in a children's home and it's a much shittier experience than being in a good foster home.

I had several really shitty foster placements and even worse children's homes when my mum died.
The good foster homes were worth much than £250 a week, to ME as the child who was growing up around strangers.

You are seriously begrudging the money?

Children often arrive with the clothes they're standing up in, and you're begrudging a stipend that makes it possible for a family to take them in, feed and clothe them, and try to give them a semblance of a normal life...

What are you proposing instead?
To train the children as chimney sweeps?
"Are there no workhouses!?"

Of all the insanely inappropriate topics to spend an evening spitting nails about - what is biting you, FFS?

A bag / Small suitcase to fit all there clothes
A rucksack for personal items
Style / colours depending on age of the child

Afew soft toys, different textures. One small, one average size, Regardless of child age

Again depends on age of child but water bottle, snacks / Drinks
Sanitary products of different types but would stick to different sanitary towels

Waterproof mattress protector, one that isnt plastic, Bottom sheet, Spare duvet & duvet cover, extra pillows & pillow cases
A laundry basket with a lid in the room, so if they do have an accident, they can change the bed and ‘get rid of the evidence’ if they are embarrassed (And obvs you dont mention it and check the laundry bin everyday when they arent there/ in another room
Hopefully they would tell you but especially older children may not

Extra Blanket incase they get cold / Comfort item

A colouring book (age appropriate) & Pencil case, Note pad & Pens

Toiletries. Toothbrush, toothpaste, Deodorant, Body spray, Flannels, Towels etc

Night light / Side lamp - Ask them what they prefer
If they want the light on, door open etc

And whatever you buy them, make sure they know, its theirs forever now.

NEVER THROW ANYTHING OF THEIRS AWAY. EVER.
Even if it looks to small / Dirty /Worn etc
That item may be their only memory of their family / past

NEVER THROW ANYTHING OF THEIRS AWAY. EVER.
Even if it looks to small / Dirty /Worn etc
That item may be their only memory of their family / past

This is lovely. But if you are a successful foster parent, it won't work, because the kids will never be reunited with their stuff, as foster parents you are not told where the child has gone. No social worker will collect it, you are not allowed to drop it off.
There's no easy answer.

I dont understand what you are saying?

A child comes and (for example) has a old tshirt that is way to small, with holes in …
Dont throw it away (It may be the child’s only thing they have from their family )

The item is kept and sent away with the child when they leave. It is not kept with the foster parent.

Thank you to all of you wonderful people who care for the children that have no one else. You are truly amazing xx

@beetr00 i know someone who fosters. Mainly under 5s.
There’s no way she could work ontop of fostering, and she fully says she can only do so as her husband work covers the cost of everything.

She can’t just put a foster child in childcare like a parent would, she often has daily appointments with child to see social workers, or parent visits, or other appointments. Often these are 1hr+ away from home. She can’t choose the location. So she spends hours a day driving child to places, waiting. There’s no way she could work. She has to pay for petrol, parking etc to every visitation.

Also food costs can be much higher than own child. As if children are only there temporarily you haven’t seen what they are used to eating previously , many children are fussy, and she buys them foods they definitely like as well as new foods to try, and a larger variety if she isn’t sure what they will like.

The money is for basics like clothes which are relatively cheap, but also food, travel expenses, entry fees, larger items, school
supplies or baby equipment.

Most people with own say 5 year old are not paying to fully equip them with toys, furniture, clothing, new car seat, accessories, sport classes, bike. all in the same week. You as a parent would have bought them over the years and just top up gradually when outgrown. Obviously many foster parents will have the basics, but like many have did they will wait for child and adapt to their likes and needs once known.

So you have no experience whatsoever of the foster system but choose to derail a genuine and meaningful thread with your own resentments and persistently bad faith opinions.

Your arrogance and lack of insight is mind boggling. Couldn't you just as easily get your kicks picking apart some deluded soul on AIBU?

In summary
It doesn't cost birth parents £800 per month per child to bring up their own children as they a) cost less and b) the parent can work if they so choose.
Whereas fostering is in itself an important job that deserves renumeration (probably better than they actually end up with nett) and foster children are likely to have higher costs.
Furthermore it is generally better for the child to be in FC than a children's home, and far cheaper for the state.
And if @beetr00 still can't understand after all the explanations on this thread then there is no hope.

Just to add to @Caspianberg I had a child stay overnight with me.

At the time he wasn't in foster care but was about to be (Fostered by Grandma who got exactly £0 per week because relatives don't get an allowance, I think she got a £1000 grant, which sounds a lot until you are trying to equip a bedroom).

Their mother only cooked an evening meal which was hot dog sausages or sausages or fishfingers, with powdered mash or frozen chips with peas or baked beans.

So when I asked what they wanted for tea they asked for what they thought everyone had for tea.

I did not have any potatoes in so he ended up with sausages and sweet potato mash, luckily he enjoyed the sweet potato but if he had not I would have had to buy something else. Not a big deal for one night, but I can imagine that in a week things could easily add up.

On the not throwing things away, this child would talk about things he used to have eg games consoles. I wondered why he didn't still have it, but he thought it was completely normal to get things for Xmas that went to Cash Converters a few months later.

Children going in to care are there for a reason, or multiple reasons. It's sad but there are children who have never had anything that is theirs 'forever', not a toy, not clothes (first up best dressed) some don't even have a bed.

@lilmishap I’m so sorry to read of your experiences. It’s the opposite of what anyone would want for you.

I would say that those of us who were good foster carers tended to mix with each other which reinforces our perception of good carers. The rubbish carers didn’t come to the support groups, training etc, so we’d be less aware of their attitudes.

I do know adopters who are lovely people, but had an awful attitude to the carers they got their dc from and their dc’s previous life. They have done a great job with their DC but they really didn’t value or understand what had gone before.

I gained empathy over time for the places my DCs came from. At first, like the adopters, I was indignant that previous carers had done such a woeful job. It took me time to appreciate the complexity of it all.

I'm going to be spending some of my fostering allowance for looking after a 16 year old with learning disabilities to enable my other former foster DC to go to university. He still lives with me but at 18 can no longer be fostered. I've just been told I'm going to get a pay rise from April. It will be given straight to former foster child who has beaten all the odds stacked against him to be able to start uni in September. I'm so proud of him and I'm determined he won't be the only DC who doesn't get financial help and support. LA will give him £2k but most parents give their DC much more than that.

We have an adopted DC in the wider family. The foster mum who cared from birth was amazing. Although it is a job, I don’t believe many of us could do it. It’s so far removed from bringing up birth children, with supervision, meetings, training, and all the issues that children who are/have been ‘Looked After’ have.

If we didn’t have foster carers and adopters, so many more children would grow up in care homes. Far more expensive with worse outcomes. So a big thank you foster carers, most of us value what you do.

The only comment I would make about money on a thread about foster carers supporting each is that they don’t get enough.
@beetr00 these people dedicate their lives to helping children that have had the shittest lives and let down by so many people.
I can’t imagine being such a horrible person I would begrudge them having money to buy them new underwear and a bag.
Theres thousands of children starving in war zones right now, want to start a thread about them being greedy because they are hungry?
Fuck you.

Anyway I don’t have any experience of foster care I just wanted to add that I have teenagers, they want to all be the same. When I take them to school all the children have identical Nike bags! They all have the same hairstyles and shoes so it may be worth finding out from another teenager what’s fashionable and buying that so that feel comfortable blending in and being the same as everybody else.

Thank you to all the wonderful foster carers on this thread. It is eye opening reading the experiences people have been through.

And @beetr00 foster carers have a very difficult job, are you really going to bregrudge such a small amount of money? Do you think offering less money is a good idea to help look after these traumatised children settle into a new home? Do you think running a home and food costs nothing?

@beetr00I can have foster children who can have nice things like other DC because I have a property portfolio I can run from home whilst foster DC at school. Yesterday foster DC had his prom so I got him a smart 3 piece suit, new shirt and silk tie. I certainly wouldn't want him to go to his prom looking poorer or worst dressed than the other DC attending. Both my foster son and former foster ds will come on foreign holiday with us in August. Former foster son has already come on holiday with us May bank holiday week too. When a DC leaves foster care at 18 they get funded by UC. They are supposed to pay £26 per week for their food. It is laughable as former foster son has £5-6 per day for lunch alone at college. Then extra for drinks especially in heat. He likes to go for a Wetherspoons breakfast with us on a Saturday. Like all teens he likes eating out and a takeaway meal too. I can promise you foster carers don't do what they do for the cash. I had my former foster child tutored 3 nights a week to help him catch up academically. He got 1 of the sessions paid for by virtual school but we paid for other 2 sessions. It's paid off because he's off to uni in September and was in a special school when he came to us. He has been with us for almost 14 years. He'll have a home with us for life and if he has any DC of his own they will be our DGC. What I'm saying is some foster carers care for these DC and fall in love with them and they become family.