Puberty rant/advice? Don't even know anymore!

[MJ1995]

Hi Everyone, I'm hoping this will catch the eye of some people who have possibly been through something similar and can say there's light at the end of the tunnel (and prefer the tunnel to be very short!)

My FD 11 (almost 12) l has recently started her periods (2 weeks ago for a few days and another one started today which I've been told is normal). Since she came to live with us 3 years ago all puberty topics have been covered so actually starting the period wasn't an issue she knew exactly what to do and we spent the first few days answering any questions. The issue I'm having seems to be since starting her periods we have a completely different child, She's the only child with us and we don't have any of our own so has become a level of spoilt just due to us always wanting to make sure she had more than she needed. For background she was will Bio mum until 3, A carer for 4 years until permanent placement was found which fell through, Then another and then she came to us and we were the last option or it was a residential unit. In the 3 years she has cut contact with her bio family, adopted our second name and thrived under our care catching up in all aspects and many people are so happy how this placement has worked out - Not that it has been easy in anyway shape or form!

Sorry it's a long post and my heads everywhere trying to lay out what info you might need! Anyway she has started her periods (but has had period moods for almost 16 months) the period moods were predictable and whilst annoying and tiring you knew it would be over and done with quickly. Since the period has started she has turned into a completely different little girl. She has this entitled way about her forever demanding and being very manipulative that the school have even phoned me today concerned with the change in her since Oct break. We feel at home like we're walking on egg shells and have noticed an increase in just doing things for the sake of it (Not showering but spraying the whole bathroom in water). Destructive behaviour isn't new to us we have had radiators & curtain poles pulled off walls, air vents smashed and all in damage to furniture. We have had the pets hit but have managed to keep that under control and in general just constant damaging her own property (which occasionally is deliberately but on other times it genuinely seems to be she just doesn't look after anything as she expects us to fix and replace it). Her birthday is in Jan so right after Xmas so really the worst time as she gets an abundance of presents in Dec & Jan which she then doesn't mind breaking but it comes to this time of year and she's got very little left despite us buying regular but we have started spending the money on monthly outing rather than gifts that will be broken.

Anyway back to topic. 2 weeks ago her period started and she has just been unbearable. Whenever she talks if she's not being cheeky to you she's telling you how you don't look after her etc. Today she came out of school and has pulled all the material off her school shoe (don't even know how this was able to happen) and the first thing she said to me before I could even say hello was "What? You just got paid you better get me new shoes" I gave her a consequence and said no she could use her walking boots and she could do jobs to earn money for new shoes. She accepred this stayed in her room (which doesnt happen shes always glued to me) Anyway my husband had a work call this evening and like we've done a million times before I came to my room and she went to hers but asked my husband for something and he said No due to her behaviour. (This isn't a common thing for my husband to do he normally gives her what she wants and this is only the 2nd time that he's said no where I haven't been involved and the last time her nintendo got the screen destroyed) Anyway my husband went in to get her hot water bottle and to speak to her to ask her to stop spraying the bathroom with water in the shower as he almost slipped and when he went in he found she had ripped the soles off her walking boots and said to him it was because I was a Fing bh and refused to buy her new shoes and now I had no choice but to get her new shoes. Now this little girl has always been my shadow so this was really a surprise. I Just don't know what to do or where to go it's like this little girl who had issues but were manageable has turned into someone we just don't recognise. It's only been 2 weeks but social work are saying it's all apart of puberty and we're just don't have lots of experience with puberty but this feels totally different? All the training has said there are changes but never this severe. She has therapy but the therapist is stopping them after Christmas as she has spent 2 years adamant she doesn't want to deal with it so they've said they will stop it and revisit when she's a bit older. She also has anxiety but CAHMS have done everything apart from medicate and don't want to medicate as she's on ADHD medication.

Is this normal? Am I stuck with this completely different person? Everyone I speak to who has seen her recently have all said the same that it's like her period has made her into the most disrespectful horrible person. I've checked everywhere and nothing has changed or is out of routine.

My husband has told her she is wearing the shoes she pulled the material off to school and that were pulling her back to basic for the next 2 weeks and we'll try to repair the other shoes. I've emailed the school to apologise for her appearance. Friends and family no longer want to buy her gifts for Xmas & days instead prefer to put money into her savings for when she's an adult. I've already used my Apr 24 - Apr 25 budget I recieve for her.

Does anyone have experience with this? She seems to not be able to physically cope when my husband tells her no and its his choice and not him following my decision. I'm praying there's some good news because I honestly don't think I can lose the little girl I did have and live with what she's becoming.

Sorry for the humble jumble my brain is everywhere as it's been 2 weeks of constant.

I'm sorry to say this but it reads as though you've spent 3 years spoiling her and are now confused as to why she's a spoilt brat. I completely understand when you hear what a terrible time they've been through you feel they deserve the world and want to hand it to them on a plate, we've made that mistake too with foster children but it only allows a child to think that you're a cash cow and they can have whatever they want regardless of their behaviours. What are the consequences of bad behavior usually?

When our FD came to us 2.5yrs ago she had very little to her name, we of course went and got everything she needed plus extra as felt so sorry for her. Over time items were not appreciated nor respected or treated well (either constantly being lost or broken), after around 6 months of this we made it abundantly clear that we are not made of money and that the items we buy her it's her responsibility to look after them, if she doesn't they will not be replaced unless she wishes to spend her own money on them which is earned by doing chores around the house. As a result she is now more careful with things, items are still frequently lost as she's quite forgetful but it's not done on purpose and she does try harder, she now very rarely destroys her possessions. It took a while but she got the message.

I'd make it clear that if she wrecks her shoes, the next pair, and the pair after that will come from the charity shop. And all treats and outings are cance!led until you have recouped the cost of the ruined shoes and boots. All money provided for her care has already been spent.

Boundaries ! Stop walking on eggshells. It is your house. Do not reward her bullying or she will just do it more.

I admit I have never had a foster child, and would not reward radiators being pulled off the wall with treats.

She sounds very manipulative. She accepted living with you to avoid residential care (fair enough), but has abused your home and your care, has mined you for everything she can get and now thinks because she is 'a woman' she can use that to manipulate you some more.

Hi op.

I was in foster care as a child and still vividly remember hitting puberty and being overwhelmed and scared because it meant I'd be a grown up soon and that I'd be alone. I knew I was in foster care and being looked after because I was a child. But I wouldn't be looked after as a grown up. So I started to act up and I even became violent to my foster father. I was moved into residential care. I had this awful emotional barrier up and was on high alert all the time. Another part of my distress was a massive fear of growing up and being like my mother.

All I'd actually been desperate for was some stability and reassurance. We get told all the mechanics of puberty and starting periods but we don't really talk about how it affects us emotionally, how we feel about becoming a woman.

All in all if my foster family had reassured me that I was a part of their family even as a grown up,I'd of felt better. I was very attached to my foster mum. Her little shadow. There was talk of adopting me but it never seemed to progress and that also left me deeply insecure.

I hope things work out op x

@Nogodsnomasters You are right we have spoiled her and made a rod for our own back. We have started cutting back especially the last 12 months and have stopped replacing broken items which I believe is why she has started targeting things like shoes as she will tell teachers etc we never buy her things- School are fully aware of this manipulation and have started pointing out she regularly comes in with new things. I Just feel people will think she isn't looked after when her room is bare due to breaking all these items and it looks like she has nothing when she's had many items that have all been destroyed. Normally consequences are she is in her room until dinner time/No TV/ No tablet on weekend etc (tablet is not during the week and she doesnt have a TV in her room). We have had her write letters of apology before which really seemed to help as she was focused on that and let it all flow out as she would normally take a few letters to have a proper apology but we got in trouble from SW saying we were igniting her shame and keeping her in the cycle. We also get told she shouldn't be in her room grounded as she was left alone as a child and we are making her relive her trauma so we should do time in with her but she basically lives her life in time in as she's always with me so Its not actually any different and I dont leave her in her room for long periods especially when I'm alone with her as she will scream and shout and even once we had the police visit because she kept shouting she was locked in out the window and the neighbour was concerned (and continued screaming when they arrived and thankfully they could see there was nothing locking her in). The longest she has been grounded was a full weekend and she genuinely was sorry and accepted it no fuss and we have never had that behaviour again but again when SW were told we were reminded of PACE training and how we have to be Accepting and Empathetic.

@Meadowfinch Yes we have actually said that my sister has said to start using Vinted and I'm going to. The boots she destroyed were only bought in July. Since June we've had a smashed tablet (This was an accident but she wouldn't listen to us when we told her to keep it in the case) a destroyed nintendo (this was deliberately done) 5 pairs of ruined shoes, numerous destroyed pieces of clothing, Destroyed fidgets (so much the school have even asked me to replace class fidgets shes broken), Destroyed hair dryer and infinity mirror, it seems to be getting worse not better the more we refuse to replace.I'm speaking to her SW today to say she's going to have to go to complete basic as I don't think she realises what basic is vs what she receives. Manipulative behaviour is something everyone who comes into contact with her and knows her for a period of time spot and I just don't know how to prevent it happening or how to fix this... Her bio mum has very manipulative behaviour so I'm worried Nature is going to win over Nurture and I can't keep putting myself and my husbands happiness on the side for her.

@sagebomb Thank you for sharing what you went through. She does have a genuine fear of returning to her BM as her brother has had a successful reunion as well as her keeping the most recent child. We have been waiting for her pemenance order to come through for almost 2 years and in January we're told we were looking at another 18 months wait. She hasn't even been with us longer than her first carer (who she thought was forever) so I do keep in mind that this is a big concern for her and we do try our best to reassure her once she's an adult she will still be apart of our lives. - I even buy little ornaments for when she's got her first house and keep these in storage for her and every year we pick out a new decoration for the tree and she is gifted one so when she has her own tree she has all these memories. Shes even been around when myself and my husband have discussed that once the work is done on the house we currently own we will look to see if we can purchase a little property in the village we live in so she can move into that when she is ready and still be close by. For puberty I do discuss with her the emotions and when she has had her monthly moods I have always made a joke and said "Ohh it's the moody moo who's here today" and then we sit and discuss the feelings and how to manage them on walks to school but I do remember having puberty and it being scary. I don't want to lose my little girl because I very much have a strong bond with her many people have always made jokes about how I am a mummy bear and don't tolerate people pointing out shes not ours. I know she has to grow up and become a young woman and I know time doesn't care that she needs more childhood and I really don't want her to end up in residential because I know it would break her I just don't know how to manage the level of destructive behaviour as we really can't afford it, We put off repairs to our home to ensure she doesn't go without but I don't know what to do. It's never been about the money for us but when it's greatly impacting on things we should have the money for and I'd have more money a month for myself and things needing saved for if I gave this up and went to work part time (not to mention many more benifits like regular days off, pension etc) , I just wish there was a way to show her what we are giving up for her. I do really appreciate hearing what you went through as whilst I'm a child of trauma I was never removed from my family so I can't put myself in her shoes.

Is it possible that she may have experienced sexual abuse in the past? If so then I imagine starting her periods would trigger a trauma response.

Even if not there is probably a lot going on emotionally from her past that will come out at different times in different ways.

Yes SW's are wonderful at telling you your boundaries and consequences are no good despite not having to live with the child 24/7 and not offering any solid alternative. The next time you're told that I would ask them specifically what consequences should FD receive for her behaviours?

If SW and school are both aware of destructive and manipulative behaviours then you need to let go of the shame thought that people will think she has nothing, the people who matter in her life know the situation and that is she causing this herself with her behaviour.

Has she had any therapy? Or professional help at all?

The only other thing I can think of is doing a little reverse psychology where she's informed that IF she keeps this item well looked after she will receive a reward - not something she can possess - something like a one on one date with you to the cinema, or a day trip to the zoo/nail salon/whatever she's into, as motivation.

@NerrSnerr I've raised concerns of sexual abuse due to some of the behaviours she showed when she first came to live with us especially towards my husband. There's no record of sexual abuse but her SW did say she couldn't rule it out as at 2 of the placements before us where she only lasted 6 months both had males in late teens who had experienced sexual abuse but unless she says something we've been told there's not much we can do we can't assume. She used to wet the bed a lot prior to living with us. Its not something we've had happen very often with her living here but has happened in times of high stress.

@NogodsnomastersYes and I find it very frustrating every social worker I know will actually say "I couldn't do what you do" but then tell me how to do what I do! We have challenged it before and get told to remember our Pace training and that Its about accepting and being Empathetic so no real actions. When the DS was destroyed it was the first time my social worker actually said don't replace that quickly.

I do agree I need to let go of the same as the important people always know she never goes without Its just difficult as she already struggles with relationships and I think if she starts going about looking like no ones child it won't help her socially.

She has therapy but it's coming to a stop soon as she is refusing the do anything with it or engage and they've said until she is ready to engage there's not a lot she can do so they will revise when she's older but again my opinion becomes ignored as the therapy is very much controlled by her and she just avoidance but whenever myself and her have worked things we've sat and I've brought up what we need to discuss and why and ways of coping etc and although she doesn't want to she does know when its done it's done but the therapy say they can't do that.

We do try things like if you behave well do this or that and this year especially we have actually cancelled a lot of outings because she hasn't been able to keep herself in check. I Just don't know what else we can do I feel I've tried every suggestion and the things that work SW tell us we can't do and the things that don't work is things that we will make everything perfect.