Niece in foster care , help

[Cookie89xoxo]

I guess I will start at the beginning
* trigger warning for abuse btw*

me & my sister had a terribly abusive upbringing by our mom , my mom kicked me out when I was 16 & ive lived alone etc since. I have a 12 yr old child of my own and I'm happy to say parent completely differently we have an amazing relationship. Me & my sister have Never gotten on (she's 2years younger & always been spoilt by everyone) we hadn't spoken for many years because she's always been a party animal. She lost custody of her 2 boys because she went off the rails after her breakup and was doing drvgs etc & stealing. She later went to jail for drvg dealing & revealed she was pregnant whilst in jail. She sent me a letter the first communication we had in years and begged for help. Against my better judgement for the sake of my new niece , I agreed. I jumped through all the hoops for probation & social services to help & support her & gave up my room for her release so her & the baby had somewhere to stay. I also broke my arm badly befor her release which I guess was the universes sign to tell me not to do that?! Lol long story short she got released and went back to her old ways and was trying to buy C0ke at my house. Told her she had to leave. During this time she had also broke her tag conditions Twice !!!
The baby was with the paternal nan at this time spending time with her whilst my sister was doing drvgs and whatever else (the dads mom not our mom). I contacted probation and social services and sent them the footage of her behaviour & what happened and hadn't heard anything for about 3 weeks. Social worker came & collected rest of the baby's things & I asked about visitation as I formed an amazing bond with the baby & was told leave rhe baby a few weeks to bond with nan. So I did .
I spent the next month chasing down the social worker to the point I had to file an official complaint because she kept ignoring my communications, nan then agreed for me to have the baby 7am- 9pm as she had to return to work. Then foned me next morning to tell me it was easier for her to take the baby to her sisters instead of mine so baby wouldn't be coming. Social worker later turned up to see how we got on and was shocked to learn baby had been left with someone who wasn't police checked etc. Hadn't heard anything else for a while and resigned myself to the fact I was probably going to get more hurt and messed about by the nan , had a Shock phone call from a different social worker asking if I'd want to be considered for a Viability assessment ?! To my horror I said well baby is content and well loved by nan to my knowledge and I don't want to move her around when she's had such a tumultuous life already, to my horror she informed me no the baby is in temp foster care ?! I burst into tears and my heart broke for her, I said well why wasn't I contacted about it or asked to have her she had already been living with me ???? She said she thought I knew and would look into why I wasn't informed. I completed the form she emailed and read through the leaflets , she is coming to do the viability assessment next week but I need advice. I have been with my partner a long time (my child's dad) and he's told me that if I take this baby on we are finished , it's embarrassing to say but he doesn't want to walk around with this baby (she's mixed race) & he doesn't want people thinking I cheated on him . To me that stuff is pathetic & he needs to grow up & she's just a baby I don't live my life to care what people say or think about Me. I kind of have my mind set on going for foster care long term of my niece & the document states my sister is a danger to the child but in the leaflet it says not to do it if you're doing it with the hopes of never letting the parent have the baby etc , my heart can't handle having her for a few months (my sister is due out of jail again in December as is the dad) and then them possibly giving either parent bk the baby ?! If I do this & lose my relationship over it also , I want to do it with the intention of adoption so my sister can never get the baby back. I am petrified of the life this baby will have with either parent. Please help me & give me your advice. My head tells me not to do this but my heart tells me The baby needs you like i needed my aunty to fight for me back in the day. Thanks x

Regardless op sounds like you need to ditch you partner. If he is ashamed to walk around with mixed race baby (I don't buy his reason) WHO IS YOUR NEICE!!
People who actually know you would know the relationship and who gives a shit what random strangers think. someone who could be so callous about a baby for a frankly nonsense reason is questionable at best.

Based on your sisters behaviour you will either have baby permanently or likely be providing kinship care on and off for a lot of time.

would you really let your baby niece go into foster care for your boyfriend?

If you can't take her for financial reasons fine, ask SS for support and think it through properly.

My DH and I are foster carers and I'd take on any or all of my nieces or nephews in a heartbeat. This little baby would have a stable life with you. That is such a huge gift you could give your niece. Your partner sounds horrible tbh. We have fostered a little boy from when he was 5 and we feared once his Mum got out of prison height be given back to her but like your sister she was a drug user. She had already been given 2 chances to show SS she could care for him but each time she was back on drugs and neglected to feed him. When he came to us he was in the bottom 2 percentile for weight and bottom 3rd percentile for height and he could barely speak. He had a learning disability due to volume of alcohol and drugs his Mother had consumed whilst pregnant. There was a court case after he'd been with us for about 8 months the SW's said they wanted him on long term foster care with us as he was doing really well and the judge said the mother had been given 2 chances already and now he was giving a chance to the child, to live a normal and happy life. He's 18 now and an amazing boy and normal height and weight. His Biological Mum died of an overdose about 18 months ago. His Biological Dad still uses drugs. When he was about 12 he told SS he didn't want to see his biological parents again because he'd had years of them not turning up to contact but not telling us before so we'd be sat waiting somewhere. By the time he was 12 he had not already seen his Mum for over 2 years. I think he saw her 5 times between 5 and 12. When he was told his Mum had died of an overdose he shook his head and said you're my Mum. Don't be fearful of SS taking him back with your sister if she's still taking drugs. They can do hair samples to check.

Aww that's lovely to hear.
She's an on off drug user , mostly alcohol. Her 2 boys who live with the dad have learning difficulties and without sounding nasty they look like they have abit of downs in them? The youngest is severely autistic and non verbal bless him. My niece appears fine , really forward for her age (she's 9months old) , i am Petrified SS will facilitate meetings with mom & baby and my sister will work towards getting the baby back , I have a meeting with SS Wednesday to discuss the viability assessment she said it takes 2+ hours for this first meeting. I've wrote down a load of questions I want to ask and reassurance they can give etc I'm only in a small 2 bed house and have a 12 year old child of my own who adores the baby , so I know that situation will be fine.
I am just so scared that the mom will get given the baby back I don't think my heart can handle that she deserves a decent start in life after such an awful one. I'm not sure what's happening with the dad (he's also still in jail for drug dealing - which is what they both went to jail for)
Ugh, what a mess.

Exactly that. Lol I agree. He had BiPolar by the way so his mood changes regularly but yeah I agree. We live in a VERY small town where everyone knows everyone and multicultural families are so normal now so his reason is ridiculous. I just think it's the responsibility of it all to be honest , he wasn't ready to be a dad in the first place lol but non the less we have a 12 year old and he is tbf an amazing dad , I'm not asking him to help me with the baby I've said I will do Everything needed and more etc I've even said Usually people say "is she yours" when making idle chit chat and I just say No she's my niece. Then gets followed up with Aww isn't she lovely. She's a gorgeous light sunny brown colour with blonde tight curls 😍 we haven't raised our child to be bothered about race or skin colour or gender etc so i am obviously hurt by his remarks about us walking around with the baby , but it is what it is. The baby needs me and I can't let her down , his answer is she's cared for by foster carers. But they are strangers so to me I'm family, surely it's better to be with family? I'm not in doubt they aren't looking after her, I'm sure she's well cared for bt still..

I understand the worry about losing her to your sister in future but this is the reality of foster caring. If your sister is able to clean up her life then it's in the child's best interest to have a relationship with her. That might be your sister regains parental responsibility or it might be she stays living with you and your sister has regular access, meaning your sister would be a regular part of your life.

Do you think you would be able to facilitate a good relationship between them in future, without any bias of how you feel about your sister? If you can, go ahead and foster. If you can't, if you don't think you can ever see your sister in that way, then the baby would be better placed with a different foster carer now - one who doesn't have such an emotional connection to your sister.

Regardless, dump the racist boyfriend. Can you really have any respect for someone who is embarrassed to walk around with a mixed race baby? I truly could not be near him knowing that's how he feels.

I could probably do the visitation etc and the social worker said its with a placement for long term so their looking at 18yrs etc so to me that sounded like they have no intention of giving her the baby back, but it hasn't gone through court yet I think they are waiting to get a proper placement for the baby first and then court maybe? I have made a list of questions to ask them Wednesday so I will know more then anyways. She didn't keep up contact previously for her 2 boys she only had to do 1hour a week supervised visit and she was always drunk or hung over so eventually she just stopped going. I want to say I hope she would stop this time round but I doubt it. I honestly think she only had thus baby as she wanted a lenient sentence for her drug charge cos she was telling people if she goes down she's gonna keep it but if she's not then she won't. Which I think is absolutely Dispicable. Who knows... I will keep you all posted Wednesday lol fingers and toes crossed ♡

I agree. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's amazing thank you. I've just had a look at their website i will contact them tomorrow see what advice they can offer. I got bombarded with so much info in such a small space of time I can't remember everything she said bur i also have adhd so short term memory anyway lol but I'm sure she said Kinship care order ans looking to long term for me to have the baby until she's 18. I'll look more into it tomorrow x

It might be worth asking if your sister is willing to give up parental rights and let you adopt rather than foster, given her history with the older two. The poor girl has already been passed around the grandmother, grandmother's sister, someone else, before they contacted you. Going for adoption now might save stress when the baby is older and give you all a bit more clarity and security.

Adoption is different to kinship care/SGO. The OP would need to be formally assessed as an adopter, as would her partner, if he’s still a member of the household. It would need to be a decision made by both of them, otherwise no adoption social worker would even contemplate starting the assessment process. An adopted child also needs to have his or her own room, and the OP lives in a 2-bed. Is the 12-year old on board? Has the OP come to terms with her own abusive childhood? Is she prepared for a child who may have significant additional needs if her mother used drugs while pregnant, apart from the trauma of her life so far?

And if it is decided that her niece will not be able to be cared for by her parents and she is freed for adoption, I imagine it’s likely they would not consider an adopter within the family. That just wouldn’t be workable. Adoption means the state has severed the child’s legal relationship with her biological parents — how could that work if she’s still within her family of origin.

I can tell you right now my sister will never go for that because she's selfish and she will want the baby back so she can get a house with the council straight away and child benefit etc that's just the way she is. Always been like that sadly.
I will ask , its on my list. I did mention it to the social worker but she said that's something deemed by the courts at a later date and rhey Only do that if the parents are deemed a severe danger to the child and unsafe for the child to return to. I don't know All the facts yet until Wednesday for the viability assessment. I'll keep u all posted tho lol 🤞🏻

I hsd years of therapy so my own trauma is fine ? I parent completely different which I think I said in the original post ? My 12 year old is fully on board I've explained the baby would be here upto 18years etc it's not something to just jump into you have to consider having to share the house and tv and everything else within it and me with the baby, she said she was fine with it and they had a lovely bond to be fair. I'm not sure of all the ramifications of the adoption process but it's something I will ask more in depth about Wednesday. Baby has no needs from the drink or drugs she was tested as a baby and saw the Dr and health visitor when she was at mine. Everything was ok as far as I'm aware.

Would the baby be safe with your partner? I couldn’t be around a racist or someone who could think of an innocent baby in the way he has. Of course you have a child and have been together a long time so it’s not straight forward.

If you were to adopt her do you envision your partner remaining in your life? She’s had a difficult start and being around a racist that doesn’t want her as she grows up will likely cause real harm.

There are lots of practical questions, but I’d encourage you to be honest with yourself about this and think about her best interests.

It's a weird 1 cos I've never viewed him as racist I have another niece who he mixed white / Indian and he adores her etc he has black friends so I find it abit bizarre. It's an Ego thing more than anything he assumes people will think I've cheated with a black man lol which Is a Wild conclusion tbh , cos people locally will know the baby isn't mine / ours and usually people ask if the kids yours anyways just to make idle chit chat and be nosey lol he's not a danger to any kids he's never raised a hand to either of us so I have no safety concerns there, it's just a weird crazy pride thing with him which is wrong either way. It is wot it is , I'm not gonna let her stay in care if I can help it

Hi i just have an update after the viability assessment. Basically the social worker came out & said that because the baby was with the nan , something happened that was a cause for concern so they spoke to my sister and she agreed that the baby should go to a temp foster carer (instead of me, which i think is spiteful) anyways , they said that it would only be as a Kinship order and I'd be expected to regularly see my sister and even after it goes to court my sister can apply for full custody back at any time etc. She also said the nan is also going for viability assessment also , so to me it felt like they were pitting us against eachother and then when I asked more questions and said how can you say there's serious enough concerns about my sister and her care of the baby to the point u are taking her to court but still allowing her access and she can apply to have her back at any time ? I know people who have had their kids taken for less believe me. So I said I'd have to reconsider it on those bases and she tried guilt tripping me playing on the fact my daughter would be really upset by it and that I should reconsider because of how she is going to feel also.
I said if it falls through with the nan let me know but I'm not fighting anybody for the baby, that's ridiculous she's been through so much as it is she just deserves a stable homelife. I'm absolutely gutted and naturally abit p1ssed off by the way they've handled this to be honest.

Gutted and pissed off is a fairly normal state of mind when working with social services.

It isn’t individuals, but the system requires so much belt and braces and honouring of parents’ views, that it becomes wry difficult.

Once a child lands in your niece’s situation it’s damn hard to turn around.

Are you sure you have understood all the information correctly? What they have to do is consider all proposed carers at the same time to avoid a long delay in decisions being made. It doesn't mean you are being pitted against eachother but that they are being honest with you to try all options to keep the baby in their family. If it's only gran being considered and it's bad enough that baby was put in temp foster care she may not pass the assessment. This could mean baby is adopted if there is noone else. The social workers don't make the decision about the arrangements. They make recommendations and the court decides. At the begging of court birth parents are nearly always a possible option and it's a temp arrangement. By the end of court in about six months the long term decision is made. If a Special Guardianship Order is made to a family member they will think about the relationship with the birth parent and contact but it might only be six times a year. The birth parent can apply to discharge it but it doesn't often happen or get granted. None of this is children's services being unfair it's the law. Did you contact family rights group? The have a helpline and can talk you through it. You could also make contact with the grandparent and agree between you who is the first and second choice between you and tell children's services. This would however make it very complicated with your relationship. If there is an interim care order they can't place the baby with you without a viability assessment