Niece in foster care , help

[Cookie89xoxo]

I guess I will start at the beginning
* trigger warning for abuse btw*

me & my sister had a terribly abusive upbringing by our mom , my mom kicked me out when I was 16 & ive lived alone etc since. I have a 12 yr old child of my own and I'm happy to say parent completely differently we have an amazing relationship. Me & my sister have Never gotten on (she's 2years younger & always been spoilt by everyone) we hadn't spoken for many years because she's always been a party animal. She lost custody of her 2 boys because she went off the rails after her breakup and was doing drvgs etc & stealing. She later went to jail for drvg dealing & revealed she was pregnant whilst in jail. She sent me a letter the first communication we had in years and begged for help. Against my better judgement for the sake of my new niece , I agreed. I jumped through all the hoops for probation & social services to help & support her & gave up my room for her release so her & the baby had somewhere to stay. I also broke my arm badly befor her release which I guess was the universes sign to tell me not to do that?! Lol long story short she got released and went back to her old ways and was trying to buy C0ke at my house. Told her she had to leave. During this time she had also broke her tag conditions Twice !!!
The baby was with the paternal nan at this time spending time with her whilst my sister was doing drvgs and whatever else (the dads mom not our mom). I contacted probation and social services and sent them the footage of her behaviour & what happened and hadn't heard anything for about 3 weeks. Social worker came & collected rest of the baby's things & I asked about visitation as I formed an amazing bond with the baby & was told leave rhe baby a few weeks to bond with nan. So I did .
I spent the next month chasing down the social worker to the point I had to file an official complaint because she kept ignoring my communications, nan then agreed for me to have the baby 7am- 9pm as she had to return to work. Then foned me next morning to tell me it was easier for her to take the baby to her sisters instead of mine so baby wouldn't be coming. Social worker later turned up to see how we got on and was shocked to learn baby had been left with someone who wasn't police checked etc. Hadn't heard anything else for a while and resigned myself to the fact I was probably going to get more hurt and messed about by the nan , had a Shock phone call from a different social worker asking if I'd want to be considered for a Viability assessment ?! To my horror I said well baby is content and well loved by nan to my knowledge and I don't want to move her around when she's had such a tumultuous life already, to my horror she informed me no the baby is in temp foster care ?! I burst into tears and my heart broke for her, I said well why wasn't I contacted about it or asked to have her she had already been living with me ???? She said she thought I knew and would look into why I wasn't informed. I completed the form she emailed and read through the leaflets , she is coming to do the viability assessment next week but I need advice. I have been with my partner a long time (my child's dad) and he's told me that if I take this baby on we are finished , it's embarrassing to say but he doesn't want to walk around with this baby (she's mixed race) & he doesn't want people thinking I cheated on him . To me that stuff is pathetic & he needs to grow up & she's just a baby I don't live my life to care what people say or think about Me. I kind of have my mind set on going for foster care long term of my niece & the document states my sister is a danger to the child but in the leaflet it says not to do it if you're doing it with the hopes of never letting the parent have the baby etc , my heart can't handle having her for a few months (my sister is due out of jail again in December as is the dad) and then them possibly giving either parent bk the baby ?! If I do this & lose my relationship over it also , I want to do it with the intention of adoption so my sister can never get the baby back. I am petrified of the life this baby will have with either parent. Please help me & give me your advice. My head tells me not to do this but my heart tells me The baby needs you like i needed my aunty to fight for me back in the day. Thanks x

it's embarrassing to say but he doesn't want to walk around with this baby (she's mixed race) & he doesn't want people thinking I cheated on him

Whether to take the baby in or not I can’t advise, it’s such a personal decision and so many factors such as finances, room in house etc.

However, if my DH ever said that to me he would be out on his ear in record time. Irrespective of what decision I made re taking the baby in, I just couldn’t be with someone who thought this let alone said it. Would give me such massive ‘ick’ I’d never be able to get over it.

it's embarrassing to say but he doesn't want to walk around with this baby (she's mixed race) & he doesn't want people thinking I cheated on him

Whether to take the baby in or not I can’t advise, it’s such a personal decision and so many factors such as finances, room in house etc.

However, if my DH ever said that to me he would be out on his ear in record time. Irrespective of what decision I made re taking the baby in, I just couldn’t be with someone who thought this let alone said it. Would give me such massive ‘ick’ I’d never be able to get over it.

I agree that relationship would be over.

I am unsure about the baby- talk it all through with SS. If you don’t take her and her parents fail, she will end up adopted elsewhere.
If you do take her, the parents and grandmother will mess you about. She may even be returned to them, it fail, and then come back to you.

What is the impact on your work arrangements and finances? Get all that straight.

Check what happened for the grandma to lose custody.
Check whether the dad is likely to go for custody and be able to sustain decent care.

You know it’s the right thing to take on your niece if you can provide a stable home-life for her.
Your fella is a prick simple as- he’d rather a child stay in the foster care system( and risk her life turning out like her mother’s) than people think you cheated.

what does your son think?

What a weird perspective for this to have
Obviously people would know you're fostering, why would they think you cheated?

Unless he means strangers in shops etc, in which why would a strangers passing thoughts be more important than saving a baby from a life in foatercare

He sounds vile

Work through the pros and cons, starting with your kids, you, your niece. Can you get legal advice on whether the adoption would be stable (whether the Nan and parents could get it revoked).

Best wishes and good luck also with the racist partner.

Awww this is such a sad story 😔

I admire you for wanting to fight for your niece! Especially with what you have been through yourself, to have also changed the pattern in regard to what your upbringing was like to what you are doing with your own kids you should feel extremely proud!

Your partner is being an ass, this is your family and I don't get why he has such a problem with it, for the remark with him saying about it looking like you cheated how lame? 🙄 needs to grow up. This is not about reputation and what it looks like on you as a couple, this is about your family needing you, if he chooses to split with you good riddance to him.

I don't have any advice with in regard to the fostering etc but I just wanted to pop up and wish you luck!

You are a beautiful person for wanting to help your niece and I hope you get her and she realises what you did for her, no doubt when she is older she will and she will have so much respect for you for it and you will have such a close bond for it too 😊

Do you think your sister used drugs during her pregnancy? If so, you need to think about whether you are equipped to raise a child who might have SEN as well as trauma from attachment issues.

There a charity called family rights group that supports families who are involved with social services. It might be a good idea to contact them and see if they can put you in touch with other people who have done family fostering, and if they can give you advice on the likelihood of you being able to adopt the baby. (This all assumes you're in the UK)

That’s a fair point. OP, take lots of advice. Your niece deserves the most stable possible existence after such a difficult start, but are you actually prepared to end your relationship in order to care for your niece? Assuming you don’t work if you were prepared to take your niece from 7 am to 9 pm daily, how are you going to support her and your own child financially? Are you prepared to take her to contact meetings with your sister, and the difficulties that may cause?

Theres a lot to think about. SS will always choose fostering within the family, if that is a possibility, but it may not actually be the best thing for your niece if the set-up isn’t financially or emotionally stable.

This is so sad … that poor baby. I don’t feel able to give advice unfortunately, just to say you sound an amazing person to fight for your niece like this. I do wonder however if you would always resent your husband if he stopped you from fostering her. I hope there are some social workers here to advise. Good luck! 🥰

I notice that you say you couldn’t cope with fostering the baby for a few months only, and your sister then taking her care over again should she or the baby’s dad be judged fit. But that’s the reality of what you’re signing up for. And you’re clearly concerned about ending your relationship.

It sounds to me as if the baby might be better off away from the family, with someone less involved, and in a more stable situation.

Can you find out if anyone else is being considered in the family? Are there court proceedings? Children's services will always try and place a child with their parents first if it's safe. So you would be basically be kinship fostering while the decision about that is made. It sounds however like your sister is not making changes and this is not at all likely. The social workers will want to achieve permanent arrangements for this little one who has been here there and everywhere. Usually with family members it's something called a special guardianship order which gives you an order for long term care but it's not complete irreversible. It also gives you the majority of parental responsible. If you wanted to adopt you'd need to be very clear about that. Usually an adoption agency won't let you apply to adopt for six months after major life change like a relationship breakdown. But family rights group is a really good start and you can ask more at the assessment meeting. You could also ask to be considered for long term but not immediate care so they are places with you at the end of decision making.

If you take this child under your care, then your relationship is over. You will gain custody of one child and potentially lose 50% custody of your child. Your child will probably blame you for the split (your partner will probably fuel the flames) and will see it as you favouring your niece over them. It's a mess!

Yes, which makes me think, when added to the fact that the OP will presumably need to work if her relationship ends (I doubt an SGO will pay a fostering allowance she would be able to live on, but maybe someone more knowledgeable about kinship care can say more?) AND that she says she doesn’t want to have her niece for only a few months until her sister takes over her care if judged fit, that her niece is better off elsewhere, not in a household where a biological family has been split up because of this foster placement.

Too messy and complex and unstable for a child who needs stability. OP, it may be the right thing for your niece to be looked after elsewhere. At least consider that.

I wouldn't worry about losing your relationship with your partner - whatever you decide, he's obviously a pillock and you're probably better off without him.

Absolutely he sounds dreadful, but ending the relationship will have major repercussions for a potential foster placement, if the OP is grieving the end of a relationship and sharing residency of her 12 year old with her ex at exactly the same time she takes in her sister’s baby, and, as I’m assuming she must not work if she was prepared to take her sister’s baby from the paternal grandmother from 7 am till 9 pm, she is going to need to find a way of supporting herself, unless an SGO allowance will cover living expenses.

That is a really messy situation and while I think your dh is an absolute dickhead for what he said, he clearly doesn't want to help you raise this baby and it seems likely caring for your niece might end up splitting your family up and potentially messing up your own dds life. Even if he agrees, you really need to be united as a family if you are taking this on, its really not fair on the baby if she is a constant source of arguments.

So this. I would have zero respect for him.

OP please go into this with your eyes wide open - your poor niece has had a horrendous time and is surely likely to struggle in some way as a result. If you can take that on then that's amazing, but there is zero shame in saying no.

I'm so sorry about your partner. I would find it very hard to look past his comments regardless of what happened with the baby.

You have a lot of very big, very difficult decisions to make. Be kind to yourself as you make them.

I think if you get an SGO the birth parents will have contact but there wouldn't be the possibility that the baby would ever go back to them. The SWs and courts want stability and permanence for children and only give birth parents a limited amount of time to show whether they can parent or not. My adopted son's birth parents were not able to keep him. They were given about 6 months of parenting assessments while he was in care, but one of them has been able to keep a subsequent child through making better choices a few years down the line. However his future needed to be decided and so the courts agreed he should be adopted. Children don't just hang around in foster care for years waiting to see if their parents get their act together.

You need to put your son first. You cannot break up his family.

It is a tragic situation, but if your sister does win back custody you will have lost everything and ruined your sons happy home.

This.
think very carefully, OP.

From what I understand SS usually try very hard to get the child back eventually with the natural mother /father so you might go through all this, only to lose your niece as well.

This.

It's also likely that you'll be responsible for having to facilitate visitation for the child with her parents and grandparents.

I think your niece would be better away from the family in this case. You'll potentially have to facilitate meetings/contact with your niece and sister, she can turn up whenever regardless of what's legally in place and you will have to deal with all that.
your existing family will end up torn apart too. Your own child could resent you for that.
It's an awful situation, but I just wouldn't do it.