Foster Child & Bio don’t get on & it’s driving me mad!

[ItsMe21]

Hi!
I’m new to posting on here. All support welcome 😊

2 years ago we informally ‘fostered’ an 18 year old. We had known her a while & when her various foster placements broke down it felt right for her to move in with us. As she was older SS didn’t come in to the equation.
I have 2 bio girls 16 & 13 who get along very well together.
Our foster girl (who is nearly 21) and my 13 year old have LONG periods of not getting on. She is often mean & snippy and really upsets my daughter. I understand the behaviour comes from trauma and she doesn’t always mean it but seeing my daughter upset breaks my heart.
The most difficult thing is that she is very sly about it and I never catch her behaving that way in order to pull her up on it. I have no doubt my daughter is snippy too but not in the way that the older one is.
We have always been a really peaceful family and the fact that I can’t solve this drives me mad. We adore her and I always try to show her that we’re safe, we love her and we’re not going anywhere (like the others did) but at times I really question our decision and their fighting makes us all miserable.
Any advice?!
Sorry for the super long post!
thanks. X

Did your 13 year old want her to move in in the first place? Did you ask your dds permission and explain what that might mean re: trauma?

Have you explained to your dd why she's reacting this way and how trauma works without minimising the impact of the behaviour on your dd?

Is the 20 year old still receiving support from social services? If she's been looked after she should be entitled to support until her 22nd birthday so I'd be asking for their support, perhaps family mediation, counselling for the eldest and making sure you're creating respite opportunities for the other girls as well so time out just 1-1 with each of the three of them or sleepovers with friends etc so they aren't constantly in each others space.

Your priority needs to be your 13 year old. The trauma driving the young adult’s behaviour is irrelevant.

You sound more sympathetic to your foster child. I wouldn’t be surprised if your youngest goes no contact with you one day. (I’m speaking from personal experience in a similar dynamic). I would look into systemic therapy for you all asap.

Does she work? Can she rent a flat?

"when her various foster placements broke down it felt right for her to move in"

I don't believe your then 11 year old could have made an informed decision whether it was good for her to bring a traumatised young adult into her family. Presumably it 'felt right' to you.

I also think your priority should be your daughter and am at a loss to understand why you are letting her be bullied by an adult in her own home.

Thank you for your replies.
Yes, it was definitely a family decision & as I am learning about trauma as we go along I am constantly chatting with dd about likely reasons why & encouraging love & grace.

SS were very happy to discharge her so no formal support. She has weekly private talking therapies which she pays for.

I make sure I have time with each of them (my 16 year old is super independent and not bothered by any of it. She just stays out of it all!).

I feel constantly torn. My dd is my priority I agree, however I know the our FC desperately needs safety, love & acceptance. I think a lot of it is jealousy because dd is my priority and “I always take her side”.

She does work but couldn’t afford to live independently. She also would absolutely crumble living alone (as she did before we met her).

With respect, an 11 year old can’t possibly have made an informed decision about a traumatised older teenager joining the family. You are letting your 13 year old be bullied by someone you have foisted on her because of your own poor judgement.

Trauma is invidious. Sadly, in many cases it’s very difficult to find a way through. It doesn’t just go away.

What is the plan for her longer term?
Is she working or studying?
She’s presumably jealous of your DD, and this may continue indefinitely.

A better arrangement might be that you help her to find other accommodation, but stay close and stay as her friends.
Shes been lucky to have you as it’s given her good rôle models and time to mature.

However, eventually you have to prioritise your own children.

You feel sorry for the foster child, who by the way is a grown adult, and a mean and snippy one at that. Meanwhile your biological child, the one you brought into the world and have a moral obligation to love and protect, is screaming for help. And you're ignoring that.

Maybe it's time to let the disruptive adult make her own way, and attend to your daughter's psychological needs properly. BTW, I say this as an adopted child: put your daughter FIRST!

You need to make a choice and you will have to live with the consequences. You must choose your daughter.

At twenty years old after having weekly therapy sessions they should be improving not stagnating

And if she is saying you always take your bio child's side perhaps gently explain that as an adult they should be behaving in a more mature fashion because trauma or not they are an adult

She’s sneaky enough to be making sure she’s unpleasant to a child out of anyone’s earshot and you don’t know what to do? Stop trying to save the world and save your child instead!

Of course SS. were happy to discharge her.
They unloaded her onto you.
I’m afraid you sound very naive.

Now your youngest child is having a miserable time, bullied by an adult and told to exercise ‘love and grace.’
Sort out your priorities before your relationship with your daughter breaks down, as it surely will.

From your posts, it seems you met this young woman when she was already living alone? she's clearly not a relative or friend of any of your DC, so how did you meet her?
She's not a foster child, she's an adult. I'd be encouraging her towards independent living, your own DDs should be your priority not some random adult.

I'm sorry but I really think it's inappropriate to make an arrangement like this without goving proper consideration to the wellbeing of your own children.

If the 18yo had been any younger and SS had been involved then assessing how your younger children would be affected would be a major factor. It was irresponsible to proceed without some kind of equivalent assessment, even if informal.

Obviously an older teen who has had previous Foster Arrangements break down is going to be challenging. They probably need quite a lot of help and are going to have a huge impact on family dynamics. A family with younger teenagers is totally the wrong environment for the 18yo and it's very unfair on the younger children.

There's a reason why adoption agencies usually prefer an adoptee to be the only or youngest child in the adoptive family. You did such a kind thing in informally fostering this girl but as you know traumatised young people have often missed key parts of their psychological development and often need 'reparenting' as if they were much younger. I think it's not safe to assume that she will mature and move on as most young people her age would. She is jealous of your dd2 because she wants to be your young child herself.

I know you have made important promises to her, but I don't see how you can keep them. Your dd2 can't live out her childhood like this. You can of course provide ongoing support to your fd, but not within your home. Do you have access to specialist advice and support? Because I think you need it, to help you all land as gently as possible.

Hi. Thanks for taking the time to reply with comments that sting and generally tear down rather than building up. I appreciate that I have asked your opinions on my life with a short paragraph of our worst bits. I appreciate that we have all been extremely naive in thinking that love can save the day and in coming from our very rose tinted world.
I have taken the need to defend my dd more as some constructive feedback and will now politely leave the thread, forum & mumsnet.
I wish you all the best.
God bless.

I appreciate that. Thank you x

1. She is an ADULT and needs to behave as such, should be responsible enough not to play childish games and if she did this in my house, she would be required to leave.
2. Your younger daughter needs an adult to guide and love her and she is STILL a child.
3. I would make my OWN 18-20 year old LEAVE and get a life if they behaved obnoxiously to my younger kids and made my life - and everyone else's a misery.
4. You are feeling too sorry for this ADULT; yes, she has had a tough life, but life doesn't get any easier so she may as well step up and manage her own life now.

She needs to be supported into her own accommodation and there is financial support for care experienced young people to enable that. Reach out to adult services in your area and they should be able to sign post you.

That will allow you to make your home safe for your 13 year old daughter who may be experiencing emotional abuse.