Kinship and managing contact

[Bonkerz]

Anyone else feel out of depth. I foster my great niece and have had to take on 3x week contact.
after an altercation in my home this was decreased to 2 contacts in community both supervised by me.
always had a great relationship with BP till child moved in (age 2) and now it’s tense and they resent me.

How long is it expected that it will be 3x contacts a week? It's not really sustainable in the long run but perfectly reasonable if it is only while the longer term plans for the child are being worked out.

Frankly, the child's parents should be grateful to you for ensuring that their child has not had to be placed outside for the family network. The fact that they are resenting you is an indication that they are possibly not fully accepting the reasons that have led to their child being unable to remain with them. Perhaps their anger is being aimed at you as it is easier than addressing what they need to do to get their child back in their care.

You can ask for the contacts to be supervised by someone else if you would prefer that. There are professional family workers whose job this is. As with everything you would probably have to push your social worker and be firm that you're not prepared to do it.

I agree it's a lot of contact, what's the long term plan?

It was court ordered to remain at 3 x per week. Obviously the one in my home has stopped. Social have said for 3 months.
I've asked for support but there isn't anyone else who can do Saturday contact.
The other one is in the community and I've asked for support with this because it's currently on a day that bf can't attend but I can't do other days due to work commitments.
I feel trapped and constantly on guard.

I think you need to be very honest about how you feel with your SW. This isn't sustainable, but as long as you keep going no-one will become 'available ' on a Saturday etc

Also, long term, 3x a week is going to be unsettling for the child. It isn't a 'normal' childhood.

Being there for the child is wonderful, but you can't keep doing it if you burn out. You are allowed to have you own boundaries and needs.

I guess I feel bad for the child because she adores her mum and dad and they love her to bits but due to their bad decisions and lack of stability they can't care for her right now.

DD is adopted, so I have something similar.

It is a very complex situation, she 'adored' BF but the reality is they didn't meet her needs.

She needed to be protected, and have a 'normal', boring, routine and predictable home life without the disruption of 'Disney' parents every week.

As it happens, she has just (late teens) gone to stay with BF for a week, and is now furious with me for not telling her how selfisĥ they are!

3x week is too much for you, and unless there is an imminent return I would think too much for your great niece. She deserves a childhood without being constantly torn

Hello @Bonkerz My two little family members were placed with me when they were five and three.

This is only my own opinion, but I think you should try to continue supervising the Saturday morning yourself, at least until the three-month meeting. Try to think of it as a job of work, and have strong boundaries. Do not engage in any discussion about the situation. Stay very calm, don’t display any strong emotion towards the parents, model child-centred behaviour. After write down how things went and whether they treated the child age-appropriately.

Ask the Social Worker about a Family Support Worker for the contact during the week. Have I understood correctly that you have work commitments? Then the SW should be doing everything possible to facilitate contact in that case.

Is there a Kinship Care Team within Social Work Department? They should be aware of the toll this takes on family relationships and the effect it has on the kinship carer. They may provide a listening ear. Also, be sure that you’re getting child benefit and any available kinship allowances.

There are helplines if you need to offload. If you google kinship care you should find something in your area.

I wish you and your little niece all the best now and in the future. It is desperately sad when parents can’t prioritise their child. Then everybody hurts as a result.

I agree with PP that you should continue to facilitate Saturday contact and ask SW to provide family support workers for midweek contact. If there is anything inappropriate it's best to have independent FSW to note things down rather than always you doing it.

Well it didn't take long for a complete breakdown.

After the aggressive outburst in my home one of the 3 contacts was dropped. I continued the mid week contact and Saturday contact but BP stopped communicating about where they wanted Saturday contact to be so twice social services cancelled it due to lack of communication. I have done every other contact.

It was decided last week that constant supervision could be changed to me being in the area but not in sight or hearing and BP had to check in. Contact went well until time to leave when BP started getting verbally aggressive again about next weekends contact wanting me to break the rules.

I've decided my mental health cannot cope and it's not good for FC either so have withdrawn from doing contact for foreseeable. I guess it's now in the hands of SS.

Well any advice would be great. Things just go from bad to worse.
The parents have now alienated two family contacts who were supervising weekend contact leaving them with every other Saturday for 3 hours.
A good step though was being passed to looked after child team meaning our 10th social worker for little one.
This one isn't letting parents manipulate (they started contact at their home and since then it's been horrid) LO behaviour and things she is saying etc.

New social worker wants it to go back to 3x weekly contact but in the community supervised by a social worker. I think the extra time would be good for LO but parents are getting verbally aggressive not just to me but to social worker too. They believe they have rights above and beyond court order.

For me it's a scary place to be worrying they may come to my home etc.

My kinship social worker only works 2 days a week so not much help.

Have you got your SW's manager's name and number? If your worker is only available you need to know who else you can contact with concerns. There also should be a 'duty team' who always have someone on the line for you to get advice from.

Child's new SW sounds more on the ball with not letting parents get away with controlling things when they are not stable and safe. I would be asking the SW what the next steps will be regarding their behaviour if the current contact plan isn't adhered to? For example if they do come to your home despite not being allowed will contact with the child be stopped? Have they been informed of that? They need to know that if they want to ultimately have their child back with them then they need to be reasonable and follow the rules and if they can't then there are consequences to that behaviour.