Experience of fostering/ adoption of a disabled child

[MamaLlama123]

Could people who have experience with this please share their story - what was your motivation? how has it been? how challenging?
do agencies work with the family or are you completely on your own.

I am very interested in this at some point in my life. I have 2 children myself (age 2, & baby) and wouldn't consider at this stage but possibly as my own children are a bit older - perhaps primary school age. what are the recommendations usually when the family already has existing children?

I am a nurse/ midwife myself so have some understanding of the care needs of disabled people but i don't have any family members etc.

I am also autistic and mask (high functioning) and am still capable of care as my job and own children demonstrate. however i would have preference not to care for a child where there is a lot of challenging behaviour in a sensory/ out of control way if that makes sense eg huge meltdowns/ tantrums/ violent behaviour. Is this something that could be an issue if i expressed a preference for not having a child with these issues

Thank you so much!

I personally don't think this would be a good fit for you.

All children who have experienced trauma have special needs. You can't request a child that doesn't act out. It's not realistic.

My ds is adopted. I was adopted. Our brains literally look different in an MRI because of developmental trauma.

There is no telling how children will adjust, but given your struggles it doesn't sound like a good fit.

are you sure about this. There is a huge spectrum of disability. And with nursing - some nurses are more suited to A&E, others are more suited to elderly care etc. I would have expected children with disabilities to also vary in their needs

i have a lot of experience working with the elderly - people with dementia and mobility issues etc. As a midwife, I have worked a lot with a family with a child with cerebral palsy and with a pregnant women who had missing limbs. I believe i could learn to care well for a child with these issues - i have a lot of experience in healthcare

As a nurse, I would find working in A&E challenging and dealing with abuse/ drunk people/ threatening individuals/ severe mental health issues

That doesn't mean i'm not a capable nurse and capable of care!

I don't know what level of disability you are looking at but my relative long term fostered several severely disabled children. They were previously a nurse.

From my perspective it did restrict their life. Limited what they could go out and do, frequent hospital stays where they also had to stay 24/7 because hospital staff could not always manage needs of child.

They could only very occasionally have a baby sitter as they needed to be medically trained to deal with feeding tubes etc.

Several bereavements as they didn't have long life expectancy.

It's obviously an amazing thing to do but it's hard.

Could you look at respite care to start with?

I may be wrong but I don’t believe there are large numbers of children who are placed for adoption purely due to having a physical disability - rather they have ended up in care due to some form of parental abuse or neglect. It’s this that may lead to “challenging” behaviours, and is why all adopted children are supposed to have access to specialist therapies through the Adoption Support Fund.

You have obviously worked very hard and are passionate about your career. Would you be willing to give that up? Lots of kids who have experienced trauma and have been separated from birth family have separation anxiety and struggle with school and often can’t manage wrap around care. Something to think about

You are talking about very different things though.

Physical disabilities are one thing. Any child in care has experienced trauma. We were removed from our families. We don't want to be in care.

There are mental health struggles for all children in care. We've been removed for awful reasons.

There are no guarantees of how children with trauma will react. I suggest you join some groups on Facebook if you're really interested to hear about their experiences.

Kids with trauma don't self regulate like other children. We come with complex emotional needs.

It sounds like you're great at what you do, but foster care/ adoption is about emotional needs. It's entirely different.

You could look at short breaks care for children with disabilities - young people who wouldn't normally get to experience sleepovers with friends etc. The aim is both to provide a fun experience for the child and respite for the family. Family is on board with social work so none of the difficult relationship with birth family that can usually happen with fostering. We did it one weekend a month for a young autistic person.

Thank you! this is very helpful!

@MamaLlama123 you echo my past paediatric nurse/midwife. Be careful 🤭Whilst very happily working on SCBU a baby with Down Syndrome was languishing in his cot, his parents felt they couldn’t take him home….the rest is history. We adopted 6 in all , 3 with Down Syndfome and 3 with complex health needs. You will be snapped up when the time is right for you. You have been warned 😜 However it has been hard but it has brought such joy to the all family. Good luck

I wouldn’t even think about this until your children are teenagers. I’m a foster carer of a child with asd/adhd not diagnosed until years of being with us. At assesment we said we weren’t sure about fostering children with disabilities as we had no experience. We have managed but at times it’s been hard, my children were very understanding of our fc behaviours and of the amount of time their care took me- my children were late teens- no way would we have been so fortunate if they were young.
Enjoy your children, they soon grow and leave, then it’s your time.

I second horseymum.

Currently kinship care for 4 yo with extremely complex care needs and his 2 yo brother. The 2 yo definitely has more behaviour challenges but that is largely due to age. That said 4 yo suffers sleep disturbance so it is very rare we sleep more than 3/4 hours a night.

We were advised that families with children with disabilities and complex care needs really struggle with respite as there is a shortage of places where we live that would take them.

Ours are due to return home soon and we are looking at going for approval to offer respite for other families with children with disabilities. Yes it can be challenging but also so rewarding.

Try offering respite first and you can always look fostering if you enjoy the experience

While it’s very noble of you why would you inflict that on your children? It’s bad enough when they end up with a sibling whose needs take Mum’s time and energy away from them. Why do it knowingly?

What areas are different due to trauma is it always the same area or can vary due to type of trauma /age at which it occurred or if it was prolonged ?

What Josette is saying is that all children removed from their birth parent's care, irrespective of disability, will have experienced some level of trauma (look up the 'primal wound'). So it's no good saying "I think I'd be capable of caring for a child who is blind because that's not associated with challenging behaviour" because that child's behaviour is still likely to have been impacted by their early adverse experiences.

That said, there is a chronic shortage of alternative carers for children with disabilities so whatever your circumstances/ level of understanding at this time, I think it's worth reaching out to your local authority to just informally voice your interest in becoming a carer in the future. They will probably send you some literature and you might get invited along to an informal information event. They will also help you to understand the difference between fostering and adoption (they are hugely, hugely different). I second what a PP said about looking into short break foster caring too.

The LA will absolutely agree that your children are too young now, but on the plus side that gives you lots of time to do your homework and to figure out what is right for you and your family. Best of luck.