Where do you draw the line?

Iseealittlesilhouetteofaman · 2024-05-05T13:31:57+00:00

Do you tolerate damage to your houses and belongings by the youngsters you foster? If so how much? Do you have an end point and say enough or do you carry on because they need even more love?

Nogodsnomasters · 05/05/2024 19:02

Gosh it's so hard isn't it? I guess it would be dependent on situation rather than a set rule of x amount of damage = end placement. I would take into consideration how is it affecting the other members of the household, am I helping or fuelling this? Do I see a glimmer of "I can get through to this kiddo". Hope that helps you decide.

Original poster

Iseealittlesilhouetteofaman · 05/05/2024 22:21

Thanks for your reply. The effect on the rest of the house is a huge factor in this. In the end, that will determine the outcome I expect. But its the disrespect that gets me too. I know when the red mist comes down they are out of control but it hurts when they intentionally damage my belongings and home.

OP posts:

Ted27 · 06/05/2024 08:20

@Iseealittlesilhouetteofaman

Very sadly I have emailed our SWs on Saturday to say that I'm done.
He has been with me 10 months is 13 and nearly as tall as me.
In the last month he has had 2 exclusions for assaulting a teacher. On Thursday I narrowly escaped serious injury. Ive had a ladder, a hoover and a box of broken glasd thrown at me.
He has started to steal money. He trashes his room regularly but the damage has started to leak out in the rest of the house. He kicked two doors off their hinges in a rage recently.

For me it's partly the increasing risk of physical violence. Bur what has really worn me down is the constant abuse he dishes out. He uses the most appalling sexualised language. He has no respect for adults. I guess I have been called a f××××××g ugly fat bitch once too often.
LA refuse to pay for an assessment- I suspect PTSD, FAS at minimum. CAHMs is a joke. He is in communication with his birth family and has told then where we live.
I feel very sad about it all and for him. There have been some significant breakthroughs but he is a deeply traumatised child and we are not getting the support we need.
I am here on my own most of the time. I've not had a days respite in 10 months. I'm basically living in a domestic abuse situation. I spend most of my time at home in my bedroom because it feels like the safest place. My mental health is going downhill.
I've given him my all but it's not enough without the support services.
I worry for his future but I am increasingly at risk. I don't feel I have much choice

Original poster

Iseealittlesilhouetteofaman · 06/05/2024 13:51

Ted27 · 06/05/2024 08:20

@Iseealittlesilhouetteofaman

Very sadly I have emailed our SWs on Saturday to say that I'm done.
He has been with me 10 months is 13 and nearly as tall as me.
In the last month he has had 2 exclusions for assaulting a teacher. On Thursday I narrowly escaped serious injury. Ive had a ladder, a hoover and a box of broken glasd thrown at me.
He has started to steal money. He trashes his room regularly but the damage has started to leak out in the rest of the house. He kicked two doors off their hinges in a rage recently.

For me it's partly the increasing risk of physical violence. Bur what has really worn me down is the constant abuse he dishes out. He uses the most appalling sexualised language. He has no respect for adults. I guess I have been called a f××××××g ugly fat bitch once too often.
LA refuse to pay for an assessment- I suspect PTSD, FAS at minimum. CAHMs is a joke. He is in communication with his birth family and has told then where we live.
I feel very sad about it all and for him. There have been some significant breakthroughs but he is a deeply traumatised child and we are not getting the support we need.
I am here on my own most of the time. I've not had a days respite in 10 months. I'm basically living in a domestic abuse situation. I spend most of my time at home in my bedroom because it feels like the safest place. My mental health is going downhill.
I've given him my all but it's not enough without the support services.
I worry for his future but I am increasingly at risk. I don't feel I have much choice

@Ted27 sorry you have been through all that it sounds horrendous.

Sadly some youngsters are so damaged that a family home is not an appropriate place for them. Your young man sounds like one of them. One of mine went into residential years ago. It was the only place for him.

Sending virtual (((((((hugs)))))))

OP posts:

Motherrr · 06/05/2024 14:04

Ted27 · 06/05/2024 08:20

@Iseealittlesilhouetteofaman

Very sadly I have emailed our SWs on Saturday to say that I'm done.
He has been with me 10 months is 13 and nearly as tall as me.
In the last month he has had 2 exclusions for assaulting a teacher. On Thursday I narrowly escaped serious injury. Ive had a ladder, a hoover and a box of broken glasd thrown at me.
He has started to steal money. He trashes his room regularly but the damage has started to leak out in the rest of the house. He kicked two doors off their hinges in a rage recently.

For me it's partly the increasing risk of physical violence. Bur what has really worn me down is the constant abuse he dishes out. He uses the most appalling sexualised language. He has no respect for adults. I guess I have been called a f××××××g ugly fat bitch once too often.
LA refuse to pay for an assessment- I suspect PTSD, FAS at minimum. CAHMs is a joke. He is in communication with his birth family and has told then where we live.
I feel very sad about it all and for him. There have been some significant breakthroughs but he is a deeply traumatised child and we are not getting the support we need.
I am here on my own most of the time. I've not had a days respite in 10 months. I'm basically living in a domestic abuse situation. I spend most of my time at home in my bedroom because it feels like the safest place. My mental health is going downhill.
I've given him my all but it's not enough without the support services.
I worry for his future but I am increasingly at risk. I don't feel I have much choice

I'm so sorry you've gone through this... its terrible that there are good people like you trying to help but that you aren't being supported yourself :(

alloweraoway · 06/05/2024 14:07

Ted27 · 06/05/2024 08:20

@Iseealittlesilhouetteofaman

Very sadly I have emailed our SWs on Saturday to say that I'm done.
He has been with me 10 months is 13 and nearly as tall as me.
In the last month he has had 2 exclusions for assaulting a teacher. On Thursday I narrowly escaped serious injury. Ive had a ladder, a hoover and a box of broken glasd thrown at me.
He has started to steal money. He trashes his room regularly but the damage has started to leak out in the rest of the house. He kicked two doors off their hinges in a rage recently.

For me it's partly the increasing risk of physical violence. Bur what has really worn me down is the constant abuse he dishes out. He uses the most appalling sexualised language. He has no respect for adults. I guess I have been called a f××××××g ugly fat bitch once too often.
LA refuse to pay for an assessment- I suspect PTSD, FAS at minimum. CAHMs is a joke. He is in communication with his birth family and has told then where we live.
I feel very sad about it all and for him. There have been some significant breakthroughs but he is a deeply traumatised child and we are not getting the support we need.
I am here on my own most of the time. I've not had a days respite in 10 months. I'm basically living in a domestic abuse situation. I spend most of my time at home in my bedroom because it feels like the safest place. My mental health is going downhill.
I've given him my all but it's not enough without the support services.
I worry for his future but I am increasingly at risk. I don't feel I have much choice

you have done exactly the right thing, your home is clearly not the right place for him anyway. xx

Ted27 · 06/05/2024 16:58

@Iseealittlesilhouetteofaman
@Motherrr
@alloweraoway

thank you for your kind words
Whether he should have been placed in a family home is debatable. But I think he deserved a chance.
I visited his residential unit, it was calm nothing was kicking off, but it was still chaotic, so many people coming and going. He goes to an SEMH school, the staff are lovely and doing their best but honestly its like a zoo.
He needs more calm in his life.

It has failed because of the lack of assessment and theraputic support.
The final straw for me was his SW trying to tell me I could not leave him alone in the house and failure to back me up over the birth family.
Ironically, I have respite this weekend, maybe I should have cried and left a meeting months ago.

SillySeal · 12/05/2024 17:54

For me it would be down to individual circumstances and support offered by SS. I have a little one at the minute I am really struggling with and behaviour is up the wall. My SSW hasn't been in touch for several weeks and is now on annual leave.
So much could help in terms of play therapy, speech therapy but we have had nothing.

I have had great support in the past and got through worse situations but my new SSWs lack of support for our family as well as no support for the little one is starting to grate.

Ted27 · 17/05/2024 16:54

@SillySeal

The lack of support is scandalous.

If I hadn't already made the decision, my family 'support' worker asking me today to reflect on why being called a f***g fat ugly bitch every day is so triggering for me.
I would also say that is the tip of the ice berg, I have been on the receiving end of 45 minute rants with the most appalling abusive language, often highly sexualised.
She seems to think that I should just suck it up and change my approach.