Advice on emotions of foster daughter

[Nogodsnomasters]

Hello,

I'm hoping for some advice from other foster carers on managing emotions of foster children.
We have a 9yr old little girl who has lived with us for almost 2yrs. Without obviously going into too much detail here - little girl is the saddest child frequently. I have tried so many things to manage her sadness, obviously comforting her being the first one, distraction (trying to engage her in playing), talking about the positives of the situation, giving her space alone, but nothing seems to work when she goes through these spells. The SW is trying to get counselling into place for her but you know what the wait lists are like.
Does anyone have experience of extremely sad children and any other tactics to manage this? Thank you

Honestly, your kindness, thoughtfulness and care is radiating through this thread. I think you’re doing so brilliantly with this girl.

Thank you for saying that it's very kind. It's just such a worry trying to do the right thing by her and help her navigate all these emotions, but there have been some great suggestions on here so I appreciate that and I will definitely look into take a counselling course and try aromatherapy too while we wait for her proper therapy to roll around.

It sounds like you find her sadness almost unbearable yourself, if so its a really important part of being her carer to know what her emotions invite from you. As some have already said she might be grieving her losses and she might need might be seeking to process the events she has experienced. You say you are not sure if the items or visits introduced by the SW is helpful or not - it sounds like you wonder how her life with you and her life before you can be integrated, but for her to enter your world, she needs you to enter hers. When she comes to you with tears about missing her old school and friends, maybe try to respond as you would if you were supporting someone in your own family who was grieving. Ask her about her school, her friends, see if she can remember the happy memories as well as the sadness of not being with them at this time. If she feels she can talk to you about her losses she may feel you are able to hold her pain as well as offer her space for happiness in the future.

Could you get her a small pet? Preferably one she can take with her when she moves. A hamster, bird, rat etc.

I've always found pets to be a source of great stability for children having a tumultuous home life. The pet needs them, the act of caring for it and making sure it has a stable life means that she is less focused on her own feelings of instability

Thankfully I'm already aware of what her sadness evokes in me as I have had a difficult life myself but not in the same regard as her, this was discussed at great length during our assessment as carers and the social worker felt my ability to empathise would help foster children and this is exactly what I try to do. I also absolutely hold my hands up and say I find her sadness heart breaking as I would if my own child has this level of emotional pain.
She has already entered our world for 20 months and is massively integrated into our family, she calls my sister "auntie" and my mother in law "granny" there is no issue there. I have asked those questions, trying to see if she can recall good times at the school or fun times she's had with mum in the past etc but this just brings on more tears unfortunately.

There is a full care order now granted and we have been approved as her long term carers now, obviously at any stage that could still break down but the plan as we see it is that she will live with us until adulthood (and I don't just mean 18). We have got her a pet, it's a bunny rabbit, she's had it since August and really enjoys looking after it, she has a very mothering nature. We also have two dogs who she is great with but the rabbit is just for her and was specifically picked out by her. We have tried so many things and we are always receiving good feedback from the SW about our therapeutic approach but I think after reading all the responses on here especially from the poster who was in foster care themselves that I am going to have to accept that nothing we do will ever take away her sadness. I just worry that if we can't find a way to help her feel less sad that in the future it could become depression.

I just worry that if we can't find a way to help her feel less sad that in the future it could become depression.

I think you are right to be concerned about this. It is so important to teach her self-compassion and self-care - to really look after herself when she feels sad, to acknowledge the grief but not let it consume her or dominate her. It can also help to teach her how to grow lots of different areas of her life so that the ones going well support her when other parts of life fall apart. I (as a long-term depressive) found that very useful. I taught it to my own DC and have witnessed them using it to keep them from sinking into deep depression at very sad times in their own lives.

You mentioned in an earlier post her question about her mum not coming to see her. Could you say something honest like: Some adults really struggle with life and that means they just aren't able to do things, even if they want to. Your mum does struggle unfortunately. And that's why she lets you live with us because she knows we don't struggle in the same way so we will always be here for you, and always love you. The most loving thing she can do for you right now is make sure you have a foster mum who loves you as much as any mum can love a child, and that's what she has done.

Thank you that's a really great way of putting it without having to go into any adult details as to why her mum isn't around.

I think it’s really positive that she can feel and start to articulate some of these losses. It’s so hard but probably better than her appearing to be fine or not being able to show vulnerability. It’s lovely that she has a pet. I suppose the other things that help all children, often without them knowing are group activities with areas of responsibility (cadets, helping at riding for the disabled, joining an inclusive theatre group - all things that are available near me but profiles might be different by you) so they see their progress, can mentor younger ones and measurably succeed and get the buzz from shared achievements, sporting activities, endorphins help and sport generally improves girl’s body image and a shared interest with you whether crafting, coffee shops are walking. I am sure you will do all sorts, I don’t mean that you don’t, but rather that by doing these things you address her mental health in the long term just as much as when you respond to her periods of low mood.