Would I make a good foster mum? Or am I barking up the wrong tree?

[OMalleytheAlleyyCat]

Trigger warning - child abuse, infanticide

I'm a married woman, early 30s with one preschool aged child.

Since I was a teenager I've thought that if I were to have a third child I'd adopt - just imo 2 biological children is more than sufficient (to have experienced "that") so if you'd like a brood you should open your home to those that don't have one.

The world is a very different place now to what I thought it would be 20 years ago, as I'm sure other millennials will agree. I thought I'd be earning more, own my own home, etc etc.

We'll never be able to afford 3 children. And actually, we're getting to the point where a second child would be on the cards but I just can't see how we'd afford it - MAT leave etc.

TW Around the time my child was born there were a lot of stories about children being abused and then killed in their own homes, situations exacerbated by the isolation of COVID and the poor state of most child social services after 15 years of austerity.

So, a little hormonal, I started seriously thinking about fostering. I wanted to help. The knee-jerk reaction has subsidised but I can't shake the feeling that it's something I'd like to do.

Also I feel like because of my history of child abuse and being labelled as a "badly behaved" child because no one spotted my trauma- I think I could meet that child's needs or at least want to learn how to (compassion, patience, consistency, providing a safe and loving home).

And here's the clincher - tell me if this is abhorrent - we could afford a foster child because we'd be paid to look after them.

I would like..no..love to give a child in need a home. Not just temporarily, but always. I'd like to do long term fostering. And I'd like to fulfil the role of that child's mum into adulthood and beyond. As in, if they ever need anything they call me. I'll be their safety net.

I understand that I would probably foster an older child long term because younger children are more likely to be adopted. Truly I'd prefer that. I know you're working with children with much more trauma and needs when they're older but at the same time you're giving that child something so important that they otherwise probably wouldn't have - a home.

The trouble is, I don't know the extent to which you can open your heart and home to a child in foster care before it becomes inappropriate and you should really look at adoption?

Am I barking up the wrong tree? Is the money too much of a factor? I just feel like I have a lot of love to give but I can't afford to give birth to or adopt any more children.

How would a foster child affect your own child?
They will surely have their own problems due to reasons behind needing to be in foster care?
Not sure about the money issue tbh

I think you need to really consider your own child. Foster children often have their own problems to cope with.
A lady I know who fostered, had a reception age child threaten to kill her. SS were reluctant to remove the child from her home despite the threat. The same child damaged her home before they eventually left.

I have thought about this - Im not sure whether I'd do it when my child is older and we can make the decision and prepare "as a family", or when they're younger and they know no different. There's merits and demerits to both so would love to hear experiencs/suggestions.

Although I'm not sure I'd like to foster in my 50s and start all over again. I'm sort of in "mum mode" at the minute and ready to be utilised.

The goal of fostering is always reunification with birth family.

Even a long-term foster child does not “become” your child. You have to facilitate weekly visits to birth family, etc.

Kindly, I don’t think it’s what you think it is, at all. These children will have much more difficult “issues” (for want of a better word) than you could begin to imagine. Good foster carers are trained professionals. Not people who want a “brood” of their own children, and think being paid to foster a child is a fun workaround.

The impact on your child will, most likely, be profoundly negative.

It's a good point- naturally I don't want to traumatise my child by turning a peaceful environment into a chaotic one!

Maybe then I should park it for a time when my child is either grown or at an age when they're less impressionable / more independent.

I would say I didn't mean to come across as possessive to my potential foster child. They of course have their own biological families to maintain a relationship with (as do many adoptees but that's a different topic). I just know they often fall off a cliff edge of support when they turn 18 and I couldn't imagine abandoning a child I'd raise once the money stops lol.

Fair play. Thank you for your cander. I'm here asking because I don’t have any experience and need to know.

I would say I didn't mean to come across as possessive to my potential foster child. They of course have their own biological families to maintain a relationship with (as do many adoptees but that's a different topic). I just know they often fall off a cliff edge of support when they turn 18 and I couldn't imagine abandoning a child I'd raise once the money stops lol.

I have fostered and adopted.I suggest you contact the local team and have a chat.You May be suitable to foster short term children including babies.Be prepared it is hard and you will need support.It is unlikely you would be offered a young child long term they would either be returned to family or adopted.There are many children and siblings who need homes many have severe additional needs.You need to speak with a social worker who will explain.

Is there any professional/financial leeway for you to work with vulnerable children? This is how I’ve worked around a similar desire to help and I find it really rewarding.

I think you should go along to a fostering information evening or open day run by your local council they will answer all these questions

I foster, I am approved for short term, long term and short break, I currently foster long term but that could stop at any moment for any number of reasons including the child returning home to parents so it is not a given that long term fostering means you will have that child until they are 18+. Family time (when the child sees birth family) is not usually weekly once there is a full care order in place, it is more likely to be monthly or six weekly and sometimes is even less but while you are in court proceedings it can be as much as 3-4 times a week. You never have full parental responsibility for a child on a long term care order, social services remain the parent in that situation.

While the impact on your own family can be huge not every child in foster comes with huge problems although it is undeniably not like having a birth child.

The money issue isn't as much of an issue as you think, it is OK to be paid to foster. In my LA you are paid an allowance for the costs of having a child live with you then you are paid a skills element on top of that, this is helpful as it is expected that there is someone at home for the children.

Social Services often prefer your child to be older by at least two years than any child you foster so that might be worth considering too.

The role of fostering is not always to reunite with family. I used to foster and many of the children were fostered long term as they could not go back to their family and were not up for adoption. It's really really hard on all of the family and a lot of children are angry and sad that they can't be with their family understandably. Please think long and hard if you and your family could cope with this.

It’s always worth a call to the LA or an agency to find out a bit more info before you completely dismiss the idea. They’d have an initial chat and talk you through the whole process and the sort of children coming through the system at the moment. See if you think it might work.

If you still want to go ahead, be prepared to have your entire life history and all your relationships and extended family history thoroughly scrutinised and family members interviewed. Plus your finances investigated. And then you’ll go to a panel who will interrogate further. It’s quite an intrusive application process that your whole family will need to be involved in.

You do realise that someone is expected to be at home i.e. not work and the allowance is about £250/week, so about £13k per year, up to about £18k per year for a child over 11. Unless you're earning very little it's going to come nowhere near matching what you earn now.

@OMalleytheAlleyyCat

Hi, I’m both an adopter and now a foster carer.

firstly its absolutely ok to consider the finincial implications of any child that you potentially bring into your home via adoption or fostering, just as you are with a potential second birth child.
As a single person, finance was a huge consideration for me. I waited several years before I adopted to make sure I was financially stable. I waited till I’d paid off my mortgage before going ahead with my fostering application.
You should bear in mind the benefits situation. Many adopted children will qualify for Disability Living Allowance, you can of course claim child benefit, you may become eligible for Universal Credit.
If you foster you cannot claim child benefit, but the child may still be able to claim DLA. Your fostering allowance is largely tax free. As far as I am aware most agencies also give extra payments at Christmas, birthday and summer holidays. You are also eligible for a Blue Light card which is saving me a lot of money at the moment.
Your motivations sound perfectly fine to me.
what I think you really need to think about is the impact on your existing child or children. Many people with birth children adopt successfully. But for most its a struggle as most adopted children will have some level of additional need.
To be brutally honest, I’m really glad I waited until my son was 18 ( and now away at uni) before pursuing fostering. There is no way I would want another child exposed to the behaviours I am dealing with my 12 year old fosterling.
By the way, there is no way this child will ever be returned to birth family. I hope he will stay with me until adulthood, at the moment I just want to get through the weekend.
But there are different types of fostering, you can make a big impact even with short term placements. A friend of mine fosters babies, those early months are of course crucial.
My parents provided respite care to a child, one weekend every month. Thirty years later they are still in touch and went to his wedding.
So have a good hard think about what you really want. Its a good idea to go to some information evenings. They don’t commit you to anything and its a great opportunity to ask questions.

@PuppyMonkey

yes the processes are rigorous, as they should be. But I was not ‘interogated’ by either my adoption or fostering panels. I only had to provide three bank statements to show I was solvent - I wouldnt call it an investigation
Nor was my whole family involved. I had to provide three referees, one of whom happened to be my mum. No other family members were involved.

A foster carer I know works while the child is at school.

I think you just need to start the assessment process. That will work out all your motivations, from your personal childhood to the financial rewards.

i foster and yes the pay is good - yes it helps me not work full time. Yes you miss it when you are empty. But I didn’t go into it for that reason- the guy on the phone at my first ever phone interview told me the wage I said omg that’s too much hr said it was the first time anyone has ever said that. But nearly 3 years in I can tell you that earn every penny. If you calculate the hourly rate per 24 hrs which is what you are “on duty “ for ut works out well under 5.00 ph
it costs between 6 and 12 k A WEEk to keep a child in a residential home. So foster carers are saving the government shed loads of money. whilst providing loving family homes and secure upbringings.
there are things they don’t tell you about in your assessment things I’ve learnt which had I been told yes I would still of gone ahead.
one thing I will say is this.
if an accusation is made against you for what ever reason your own children will be questioned and could be temp removed.
that said if you follow all the steps you are taught and go on the courses provided protect yourself by logging every incident fully you should have full backup from your social worker
if I was you I Would google someone like foster talk who are a body that helps foster careers with all manner of fostering and can give advice financial counselling etc etc. they are there to talk to and it’s all confidential. Good luck.
At the end of the day it’s still the best job I r ever done x

It is most definitely NOT TRUE to say that the goal is always reunification with birth family. Many foster children have no contact with birth family at all, and never will. Secondly there are many types of fostering eg holiday cover, respite , temporary fostering during court proceedings etc that are available options that you could consider. My advice would be to make contact with a LOcal Authority and a coupe of agencies and talk things through with them. There is nothing at all wrong in being paid to look after a child. The going rate is about £60 a day and from that you will be expected to meet the childs costs although there are usually extra payments for birthday, xmas, summer hols etc. There is a huge shortgage of carers and foster care providers will be happy to talk to you and explore ways things might work for your existing family members.

I have been fostering for 13 years. Personally I would wait until your child is a lot older. When you invite a child into your home they become your priority.
if they have a lot of contact you will be expected to transport them to and from, this could mean taking your child to a contact centre miles away whilst waiting around to transport the fc back home.
you are expected to do a lot of training every year, along with medical appointments, social worker meetings, reviews, school meetings it really does take up a lot of your time.
a lot of the children are traumatised, the fact of being removed is traumatic enough, never mind dealing with what they have been through.
The pay is not good! According to ofsted over 5000 carers left last year- I wonder why???
From the £60 mentioned above ( this is average I think) we need to give the child pocket money, savings of £10 per week too. We pay mobile phone bill, after school clubs, school drop off and pick up (10 miles round trip twice a day)
holidays, birthdays, Christmas all come out of the allowance, no extra from my agency.
school dinners £15 per week. So as you can see the £60 per day doesn’t go far.

We have one child with us, they’ve been here 11 years and will stay until they want to go as they are very much part of our family.

Most children I foster have little to no contact with birth family, and there is no intention to reunite.

Babies and small toddlers have the most contact, some have none.
Sometimes you facilitate contact, often at great expense to family time, and the birth family don’t turn up. Driving miles on a Saturday afternoon with your child and the FC to an unknown boring location to sit around waiting can really pee you off.

You could have an older child with direct contact via their phone, and they have a sudden and dramatic meltdown over something the birth family have just said or messaged them - that’s always fun.

And yes, when they fabricate a complete lie about you and you’re still racking your brain months later as to why they would say such a thing.

It must all be worth it because I still do it, but it’s not easy. And yes I work full time as a single parent too.
Start the process. If you DM me I can recommend a good agency.