What motivations are acceptable for fostering?

[Hamburger233]

If I'm honest that I'm mostly motivated to consider fostering because my only child (6) is regularly mentioning her lack of siblings, how she'd love a sibling, how she'd like to look after them (she loves younger kids, loves looking after them) etc. ...would that exclude us from fostering?

(Obviously children needing fostering in our area may not be younger, I'm aware).

[ABeautifulThing]

Get her a pet and then if she goes off the whole idea cos it didn't turn out the way she imagined in her 6yo mind, cos y'know young humans with emotional baggage don't match up to the image in her head, you can take over their care/find them a new home without adding to the trauma of their chequered history.

[Whataretheodds]

Hmm. I think you have to be primarily motivated to provide a (temporary) home and respite for children from troubled backgrounds. They are not first and foremost playmates for hire. They may not be able to or want to interact with or socialise with your daughter.

[Bobtheamazinggingerdog]

Fostering wouldn't be providing a sibling for your DD. These children have a lot of needs and their needs will have to be paramount. They can't be brought into your home to meet a need of your DD.

[AbacusAvocado]

My 6 year old desperately wants a pet cat. Talks about it all the time. Spends hours pretending to look after his cuddly toy cats.

I’m not getting him a cat because he is 6, has no idea what looking after a cat would actually involve, would not react well to a cat that was not affectionate or cooperative with his games, and it would not be remotely fair to a cat to bring it into the house because of a 6 year old’s interest which could then change at any moment.

So if it wouldn’t be a good idea for a cat, think how much worse an idea it would be for an actual human child who has already experienced trauma.

[BellaTheDarkOverlord]

It’s not a reason to consider. The foster children will inevitably leave again and your child will lose what they thought was a sibling.

A family member of mine fosters. They currently foster a child of 13 who they have had since a baby. It’s a long term foster until they are 18. We treat them as our family as we should. I don’t know how rare a long term foster placement is though.

[ScarboroughHair]

It would exclude you. Firstly, fostering is tough, you (as the parent) have to really, really want to do it. You need to be doing it in the best interests of the fostered child, not to meet your own family's needs. Doing it solely for your child suggests you won't have the resilience to keep going through the tough times. The dynamic is off from day 1 and I can guarantee things will go wrong very quickly.

Some things for you to consider:
-What happens if your daughter and the foster child don't get on or she loses interest? You won't be able to just end a placement on that basis. It's not a dog that you can give back to the shelter.
-Have you thought about how it will fit into your lives? Even if you foster a young child there can be significant disruption to family life as you have to support contact, sometimes 3+ times per week. If anything, birth children often make sacrifices themselves when their parents foster.
-You are unlikely to be fostering children who neatly fit into your home life and play nicely with your child. You will be looking after children who need a different type of parenting, with additional needs or at the very least dealing with the trauma of being removed from their birth families to contend with.

[howshouldibehave]

Friends of ours fostered a couple of years ago. The only children they were offered had significant SEN. The one they were allocated had significant SEN plus a whole host of other issues related to the care they’d had previously. The impact this had on their own child was immense. Each child was supposed to have their own social worker and counselling but due to budget cuts, this never happened. Their own child had their room trashed and belongings broken-it was really miserable for months. The placement broke down unfortunately which was very sad for everyone.

This isn’t something that you should do because you want a sibling for your child.

[CandyLeBonBon]

@Hamburger233

If I'm honest that I'm mostly motivated to consider fostering because my only child (6) is regularly mentioning her lack of siblings, how she'd love a sibling, how she'd like to look after them (she loves younger kids, loves looking after them) etc. ...would that exclude us from fostering?

(Obviously children needing fostering in our area may not be younger, I'm aware).

Op. It's an absolutely terrible reason and I'm surprised you can't see how awful it is to have not even factored the needs of the foster child into this thought process.

Children are not toys or pets to be brought in for the amusement of others.

[Hamburger233]

These replies are pretty much what I thought.

Just to say, however;

I'm surprised you can't see how awful it is to have not even factored the needs of the foster child into this thought process.

I had hoped that it would be a solution that would help a child, as well as meet this apparent lack for my dd.

I'm aware they are not being fostered because they have a wonderful, well adjusted background. My cousin has adopted a child and my acquaintance fosters two kids.

I had thought that some issues might not be as relevant if the child is a baby or toddler; though obviously I understand the child may not be that age.

[Hamburger233]

@AbacusAvocado

My 6 year old desperately wants a pet cat. Talks about it all the time. Spends hours pretending to look after his cuddly toy cats.

I’m not getting him a cat because he is 6, has no idea what looking after a cat would actually involve, would not react well to a cat that was not affectionate or cooperative with his games, and it would not be remotely fair to a cat to bring it into the house because of a 6 year old’s interest which could then change at any moment.

So if it wouldn’t be a good idea for a cat, think how much worse an idea it would be for an actual human child who has already experienced trauma.

Oh I agree.... My dd is only seeing a very narrow, rose tinted view of having a sibling or having a baby/toddler with us; not considering the demands and disadvantages. But that it is to be expected of a 6 yr old.

[Ratfinkstinkypink]

I had thought that some issues might not be as relevant if the child is a baby or toddler; though obviously I understand the child may not be that age.

As part of the court process the baby will most likely go and see birth family up to 4 times a week for an hour or more, they often come home confused and upset. That confusion and upset multiplies when a toddler has family time. Even babies and toddlers come with their own traumas, fostering a child is a completely dynamic to having a birth child. have you factored in to your thoughts the fact that almost every time you move a fostered child on it is like a bereavement?

[Hamburger233]

What happens if your daughter and the foster child don't get on or she loses interest? You won't be able to just end a placement on that basis

Clearly, from reading on here, placements break down, so people must end them early; presumably? No-one intends that, obviously.

May I ask how long placements typically are? (There is also "Kids in Kinship" in our region).

[Hamburger233]

@Ratfinkstinkypink

I had thought that some issues might not be as relevant if the child is a baby or toddler; though obviously I understand the child may not be that age.

As part of the court process the baby will most likely go and see birth family up to 4 times a week for an hour or more, they often come home confused and upset. That confusion and upset multiplies when a toddler has family time. Even babies and toddlers come with their own traumas, fostering a child is a completely dynamic to having a birth child. have you factored in to your thoughts the fact that almost every time you move a fostered child on it is like a bereavement?

My cousin and wife had to take their DD to see her birth family at significantly longer intervals than that, though they were going through the adoption process ...so I didn't realise it could be so often.

(They did not leave her there, they were there for the visit. So tbh it seemed like she was visiting relatives, with her parents/carers).

[baileybrosbuildingandloan]

A fostered child once said to me
"On your first night, you smash up your room.
If they're on the phone to Social Services next morning complaining about you, they don't care.
If they sit you down and want to talk it through, they do care. You apologise, and behave yourself.
Never been wrong yet"

[Hamburger233]

have you factored in to your thoughts the fact that almost every time you move a fostered child on it is like a bereavement?

I'd hoped there is scope for keeping in contact and meeting, even if they are no longer fostered with you.

[PinkRoses1245]

@Bobtheamazinggingerdog

Fostering wouldn't be providing a sibling for your DD. These children have a lot of needs and their needs will have to be paramount. They can't be brought into your home to meet a need of your DD.

This. They won't a sibling. And actually could be worse, if she gets attached and then they leave. Could you consider adopting?

[Hamburger233]

@PinkRoses1245

This. They won't a sibling. And actually could be worse, if she gets attached and then they leave. Could you consider adopting?

I certainly would be open to it.

My thinking was that fostering might be a half way house.

Maybe that's a totally fallacy.

[Dinoswearunderpants]

That can not be the only reason you foster.

I think every only child says at some point, they'd like a sibling.

Most foster children are coming from troubled backgrounds with a heap of issues which takes a lot of time to help with.

As others have suggested, get her a pet.

[Bobtheamazinggingerdog]

@Hamburger233

I certainly would be open to it.

My thinking was that fostering might be a half way house.

Maybe that's a totally fallacy.

No, it absolutely isn't. Fostered children by definition don't belong to your family, they have their own family identity and ties and relationships that are likely to always be more important to them than the ones they have with you. Foster care isn't 'adoption lite'

[Bobtheamazinggingerdog]

@Hamburger233

What happens if your daughter and the foster child don't get on or she loses interest? You won't be able to just end a placement on that basis

Clearly, from reading on here, placements break down, so people must end them early; presumably? No-one intends that, obviously.

May I ask how long placements typically are? (There is also "Kids in Kinship" in our region).

You either take a child whilst care proceedings are going on, which is usually 6-12 months (but can be a lot longer) and at the end you either transition the child back to family, to adoption or to a long term foster placement, or you could explore keeping them in your family too. Or you offer bridging placements where a child will stay with you for weeks/months while they look for a long term placement. Or you offer long term placements yourself. What you need to know about that is those will by definition be older children who are too old to be adopted. They probably wouldn't place a long term child with you who was older than your DD.

[Greenpeasnwham]

Do you realise any foster child is just as important as your birth child, and so are their (undoubtedly significantly greater) needs? How would that work for you?
it sounds like you are fundamentally missing the point. Don’t do this. This will not be anything like you are thinking. Get a hamster and book in some play dates.

[Hamburger233]

@Bobtheamazinggingerdog

No, it absolutely isn't. Fostered children by definition don't belong to your family, they have their own family identity and ties and relationships that are likely to always be more important to them than the ones they have with you. Foster care isn't 'adoption lite'

I meant in terms of seeing how we as a family cope with the process and implications.

[Hamburger233]

@Bobtheamazinggingerdog

You either take a child whilst care proceedings are going on, which is usually 6-12 months (but can be a lot longer) and at the end you either transition the child back to family, to adoption or to a long term foster placement, or you could explore keeping them in your family too. Or you offer bridging placements where a child will stay with you for weeks/months while they look for a long term placement. Or you offer long term placements yourself. What you need to know about that is those will by definition be older children who are too old to be adopted. They probably wouldn't place a long term child with you who was older than your DD.

Ok, thank you.

[Hamburger233]

I think if we fostered a child and there was an opportunity to adopt, there would have to be huge issues to not try to do so.

Presumably the child is aware that you have the opportunity to adopt and that you're not taking it, if you don't; I couldn't live with that.

[MidnightOnceMore]

This is your second thread on the topic?

This is an unacceptable attitude towards fostering. You are not thinking about the emotional needs of your own child or the fostered child.

The fostered child is not a pet, that you procure because your own child wants a sibling.

Your own child will potentially suffer serious impacts from living with fostered children.

If you do intend to foster, you must be completely honest about your thought process and motivation. And then you would be turned down. Correctly.