Questions about SGO and inlaws

[ChaoticCrumble]

Hi, this could be a bit rambly, sorry.

My SIL and her 4-yr-old son are known to social services. She's just been caught drink-driving twice in a month, has lost her licence and now my in-laws have signed up for an SGO to look after her son, which she has also agreed to.

I'm just wondering about the ramifications and whether this is the best thing - have they been rushed into anything? Previously SIL and son used to visit my in-laws a lot (eg Christmas and weekends) and often shared a sofabed in the spare room. Social services have bought my nephew a bed and now this will go in his grandad's room (it is a very big room), and my SIL will stay for a while in the spare room.

They want SIL to stay so they can keep an eye on her, and confront her drinking, but would it be better for the boy to have his own room? I'm not sure she will fully understand the SGO while she is there with her son everyday. Then again, it will seem normal to the son so maybe that's best.

Then I think to the longterm. PIL are in their 70s, they will not be in good health when this boy is a teen. Is the SGO an easy way for social services to tick a box, or might they pause and think he should be somewhere else til 18? Or are they hoping he will go back to mum soon? He has a dad but currently dad has limited access due to domestic abuse to mum. He hasn't actually taken advantage of contact for six months (!). We are two hours away and haven't been asked for anything yet, but I'm wondering if it's coming.

The mum (SIL) has not yet admitted she has an alcohol problem. Looking back we think it might have been an issue for at least ten years, but it has only been obvious in the last year.

He’s only 4.

if you’re thinking ahead to 18 you’re assuming that SiL won’t sort herself out. Is there any reason why this won’t be a temporary measure whilst she gets sober?

Social worker here. To get a special guardianship order there has to be a full assessment, that will consider all these things including the carer's age, their health, the relative age of the child, the wider support network, the capacity to continue support to the birth parent and child's relationship and a lot more. It is a very intensive assessment process which has to be agreed in court. It isn't an easy fix but where children can't live with their birth parent it can be a really positive way to support them to stay in their birth family. There is potentially financial and practical support offered, there would be an SGO support plan which stands for the lifetime of the order and sets out the kind of support needed. During the process your in laws should have opportunity to seek legal advice to consider the offer etc. All of that said they will normally also try and work intensively with the parents to try and support the child to be able to remain in their care.

This organisation is great (link below), it was established by parents who have experience of social care and it is really helpful in terms of advice and support in navigating this process. There's advice online and also a telephone advice line that you or your in laws could call to talk it all through. It can feel incredibly complicated and overwhelming so seeking support can be very helpful.
frg.org.uk/

I'm just the sort of person who likes to think about every scenario! I'm doing a 'what if' he is still with the GPs when he's 15. What if SS ask if we would take him?

I'd like to think she could turn things around but I would say she has been in a decline of bad decisions for 10 years minimum. It's very upsetting and she does NOT want help.

Thank you @Tinkeytonkoldfruit that's really helpful - as the daughter in law I am one step removed hence my questions! The family tend to go quiet until something so bad they can't hide happens, then they ring my husband for crisis chats expecting him to fix things from afar. Though I am removed, it is still a little stressful and we are worried about our nephew.

PILs have asked if Social services ring us asking if we will support them, we say yes. Of course we can emotionally support them, but practically we are two hours away (they recently chose to move further away to be by the coast and SIL went with them but has her own place). I'm worried saying the wrong thing could damage their chances which is why I thought I'd ask here about it! Even though we are two hours away, we are the only wider support network that exists.

What you say is positive and helps me think it could potentially work out, potentially they will keep working with SIL and even her ex.

Hello again - the SGO assessment is in now for our inlaws. Does anyone know if the social workers are likely to reach out to us about it? (as the only other immediate family and support for the inlaws).

And if they do, is it best to put 100% support behind them (e.g. of course they'll be amazing parents for him), or talk about our concerns (will they continue to get support from you, what happens as they get older)?

SIL is still drinking and not talking about it. My DH went to see her and tried talking to her face-to-face but she's not ready yet and shut him down. She turned up to school drunk twice this week. One time was parents evening. Poor boy. Really made me think for the first time he might be better off with a fresh start than staying in the area.

Yes I know and hope she could still turn things around... just feels increasingly unlikely.

I said the 'assessment' is in - I meant the full application.

Ok I know it’s weird to post a few times in a row, but in case what I said before is inaccurate, I’ve just heard the social workers are having a meeting on Monday to discuss whether they should put the SGO forward (I guess they will if they’re the ones who have pushed for it so for), and are doing a PLO thing next week too?

Hi, what happened in the end? Assuming all has bee resolved.

Has anyone suggested a Family Group Conference?

I think if you are the only other family the child has, you need to think about if you would be willing to take the child to live with you, if at any point the child's GP became unable to meet his needs and the child's Mother was not capable of caring for him properly. SS may ask you that question if they call you.

No, not yet resolved. Nephew is still sharing a bedroom with his granddad. Mum had shown up drunk at parents evening so wasn't allowed to do school pickups for a while. Then she was doing 'so much better' over Easter, she was allowed to again. Second day back she was drunk at school and verbally assaulted another parent. Head teacher had to get grandad to take nephew home. The poor HT walked drunken SIL to her house.

This is how it is. FIL is fed up and feels desperately alone (wants to get nephew a doctor's appt but can't get SIL to make one), but MIL says 'everything is perfect' on the weeks that don't have any incidents. When SIL doesn't drink (IMO) it's because she's run out of money. Still hasn't admitted to having a problem, so as much as it would be lovely for her to turn things around, how will this happen?

SIL now not supporting an SGO and MIL (who always puts SIL first) has decided to withdraw their application because they are 'too old' (which I actually agree with but don't think it's her real reasoning - SIL has asked her not to do it).

SS have never been in touch with us and if SIL won't support an SGO I don't think they will. They're very sympathetic with and supportive of SIL, which is nice on the surface but also means real change is hard to see. We're too far away to have any influence. All I can think of is this poor boy doesn't even have a bedroom and everyone at school must know his mum is a drunk.

On the other hand, he is loved by nan and grandad and loves living at their house.

SIL has a second court appearance coming up in a few weeks for 'failure to provide'; she's already on a suspended sentence for one drink driving incident, but this one was actually committed first, so will be interesting to see what happens. Has never quite got to rock bottom!

Sorry this is probably too much info or not enough!

Oh wow, that poor little boy.
How awful for him.
It's so sad it's not resolved yet.
I wonder what outcome mum is expecting from it all?
Has mum been offered or accepted any support to stop drinking?

Hi, I think you should speak to you in laws and request to speak to the social worker. Unfortunately, SGOs are sometimes used inappropriately because it overall, saves local authorities money and releases much of their statutory duty. Any assessment should look a the wider support network closely, especially if the proposed carers are older. Unless your in laws don’t consider you and your DH a part of their support network, it is concerning that no one has spoken to you. Also an SGO where the parent lives in the home is unusual and likely to be unsuccessful if the parent doesn’t accept their abusing behaviour. It doesn’t sound like a very child focussed plan.