Fostering with my own children

[EmPia]

Hi community,
I have a son aged 10 and a daughter aged 6 and my partner and I are looking at going in to fostering. We have discussed fostering children that are under the age of 10 years.
We would really like to hear from people that have been in similar situations and give some experiences that they have faced when it comes to their biological children being affected or how they managed to embrace the fostering experience please.
We look forward to hearing from you. Thanks in advance.

I don't think you can? That is a real question as I thought there was some restrictions if you have your own children?

Others will know more

Thank you Wandawonder, i have spoken to a couple of agencies and they are happy that we have children and are willing to start the process with us but i wanted to get a bit more information before we dive in.

My understanding is that you cannot foster children older than your own, so you would be under sixes. There will be variations in local authorities though, so that is who you should speak to for advice in the first instance.

Cathy Glass writes about her own fostering experience with two children of her own, I would have a read of them.

Adopter, not Fosterer.

I don't know what the restrictions are, but I would personally only foster children around 4 years younger than the youngest child.

Your BC need to be able to keep themselves safe from any violence that a FC child shows, and also you need to be able to meet the needs of your BC whilst also managing high needs of FC.

Remember most children in FC have been removed due to parental failings. It's not like having an extended sleepover of a well parented child.

In my experience there needs to be a minimum age gap of 3 years.
Given your youngest is only 6, I would be very cautious to do this.
I totally agree that fostering is an amazing thing to do for a child, but, these children can be very 'damaged' and it takes more than just parenting a child
I have been there when my DD was 5 with a little girl who was 2 ... sadly for all involved it was a living nightmare

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to respond and your knowledge in the area.

My parents were foster carers.
As a foster sibling, I found it a mixed bag, liking the excitement of never knowing who would be entering the family, interesting to hear from other children about their lives and great to have new people to play with.
It was very difficult sometimes, especially with damaged and sexualised children. I got assaulted and had my things stolen or damaged.
In those days, we sometimes shared bedrooms and it is important to have your own space and refuge. I hated having them along when I met up with my friends, too.
Sometimes, I resented the time my parents spent on them and not me, sometimes it meant I could get away with more…
In later life, as a social worker, my authority built in things like groups and awards for children who foster, and opportunities for them to have their say in reviews and assessments, ensuring children get time with their parents who foster, etc.
What are the views of your children about this step?

Thank you Giggoratta,
We have been very honest and had open conversations with them about it. I am a trauma specialist and work with children that have been effected by DV, experienced loss themselves or been a victim of abuse. Having said this my work is very separate from my home life and bringing the two together kind of gives me butterflies because of the opportunity i could give to other children.
My children are excited in some ways but we keep exploring the avenue with them.
May i ask, what help did you receive when you were assaulted?

I didn't get a lot of help, really. It was over 50 years ago and possibly the knowledge base wasn’t that well developed.
My quite disturbed and violent foster sister had weekly therapeutic sessions (I remember being jealous, as we would travel to a house and she would enter a fascinating room full of toys, into which I wasn't invited). Her attacks on me, thinly disguised as adventure games, lessened after a while. My parents did attempt to be vigilant, but didn't have eyes on us all the time, as we lived in a large house and garden, and we could disappear off and play.
I was groomed and groped by one boy, who was quickly removed after I said something, but there was no follow up therapeutic input, just a general feeling of horror. No one told me it wasn't my fault.
I think there was a certain amount of pressure from my parents to do the right thing with our advantages and offer less fortunate children a home, and it would have been very difficult for me to object, as it was so much the family culture. Church, charity, committees, etc.
Overall however, I think I gained more positives than negatives from the experience and the previously difficult foster sister became a loved and loving presence in my life until her recent death.

I foster and started when my youngest was 13.
I would not recommend any younger than that.
foster children take up a lot of your time. Some come with lots of issues. Babies sometimes need daily contact and you will be expected to provide transport. Who would care for your children then?
usually the rules say fc needs to be 2 years younger than your child but for me a much bigger gap is better.
ive heard so many carers who’ve have bad experiences when the children are close in age I wouldn’t chance it.
Of course all situations are different but I don’t think I could put the welfare of my own children at risk.
I would say enjoy your children while they are young, keep them as your priority.
Theres plenty of time in the future to revisit.

Giggorata thank you for your personal experience of being the child and for sharing.
Thank you everyone else. I appreciate your advice and it has shifted my thoughts. We are lucky to have family that will support us but I will do more research.
Does any one know how involved the social worker is with the biological children? I was told that they support them. Thanks again

Luckily we have never really needed support from our Sw as we have managed to sort out most things on our own. I’ve only asked for support twice and both times none was given so I’ve kind of given up on them.
fortunately my children have never needed any help as they were older when we started fostering and the Sw doesn’t really have much to do with them other than asking them to fill a form in every year before panel. To be fair the Sw are very busy so probably happy that they’re not needed!
I think it totally depends on the Sw. There are good and bad in all jobs I suppose.
I have heard of some bad experiences, usually around when allegations have been made. This is indescribable for all involved and happens far more often than you would imagine. I’m in a group of around 9 carers and 3 have had allegations made.
I know a carer who’s child was assaulted by fc and also one who’s life was made hell in school as the fc was in the year below and was causing a lot of trouble. The child felt unable to tell their parents and really retreated into themselves.
You know your children best but you must remember that the fc child’s needs may be great and your family time may need to take a back seat.

Cassimin thank you. They don't put all these things on the websites do they so I am glad I decided to ask these questions and be lucky enough to have people to respond. Many thanks

We welcomed our first foster child when birth children were 14 & 11. That child is still in our family. We didn't know that would happen to start with. She was 4 when she arrived. Age gap is good. Many ups and downs but good overall.
When we did initial training a seasoned carer encouraged us to be upfront about what we don't want to do. All us newbies were saying we'd take any child, but you have to be honest about what's not going to work.