Guilt

[Ksarge]

Hi I’m wondering if there’s anyone out there that has had a sibling live with you? I’ve had my brother for 1 year now he came to live with me as his dad wasn’t looking after him and our mam had passed away few year ago now so as he’s been with me I’ve had to change a lot of things I have 2 children one 12 the other 1. I feel like over the months me and my brother haven’t been getting on things are getting quite difficult he’s 15 I’m 28 we have no bond as my mam and his dad used to continuously stop me from being in his life from being a toddler then we grew apart and I hadn’t seen him for years but I agreed to take him in In November 21, I feel like I can’t do it anymore and I’m not feeling like me and I few like my family is falling apart because of the difficulties I’m having with my brother. We have been to court for an order so he lives with me permanent but I have told them I can’t do it any longer. Today was spoke about foster care for him and I feel so guilty, guilty that I’m doing this that he may think I don’t want him I just can’t have him living with me. Please if anyone has been in a similar situation I’d like to hear maybe it will help me ease the guilt
tia x

Hi. You have had so much to deal with. I wonder how much help and support you have received?The trouble is that if a family member is available , Social Services often just wash their hands of it. We took on a14 year old in similar circumstances, we’ve had her for 5 years but it has been really hard, and we are older with no other children to balance. We are glad we powered through and insisted on help though. We are doing ok now.
Do you have enough space, get any respite, any support for you?Are there additional needs and are they being supported?
Did they give you a Special Guardianship/ fostering allowance. We got around £800.00 a month for our niece, and specialist support. It really helped. Had to fight for it though!
What does he want? Does he know it’s not working? Do you like him? have anything in common? Or feel a bond could develop over time with some help?
if not then it’s probably better for everyone that alternate arrangements are made.
I would warn you though that foster placements are few and far between, and teenagers sometimes get shipped all over the place. That’s not to make you feel worse, you did a good thing and have really tried to help.
He may be feeling pretty crap too. Hard as it is, if you can tell him none of this is his fault, that you love him but don’t have the capacity to care full time, but that you are his big sister and want to be in his life, if you can always remember his birthday and so on, it will help him a lot.
There is a charity called Kinship Care. They are really good, they will support you. Pm me if you want. I’m on your side!

I think the most important thing here is that you can maintain your relationship with your brother even when he’s not living with you, don’t let him move and then contact lapse. Make plans to see him and keep on with it even if he’s a bit blah about it as that’s the typical teenage reaction to a situation like this. He may make out he’s not bothered as he wants to see how much effort you’ll make.
I would also say go easy on yourself; you tried your very best and sometimes you can’t do it all and you have to make hard decisions.

Thank you for your messages, I’ve had no help at all up until now when I’ve stated I can no longer do it anymore! I’m being pressured and persuaded to do what the social want and no one has even considered what my thought and feelings are even when I’ve repeatedly told them. I’ve been through hell and back myself over the years and I’ve taken in now 3 of my mothers children I’m only 28 and have a family of my own and just want to be able to have my time now. I took my brother in when I was 20 as he suffered from depression but sadly committed suicide at my home, I still find it hard to this day then I took my sister in at 23/24 then I managed to help her get a job and flat then I’ve taken my younger brother in we have no bond my mam and his dad always stopped me seeing him so I would say for the first few years of his life I was involved then nothing for years. I do love and care about him but not as much as I do and did for my other siblings. There is no other family other than my sister but she works night shift and has a 1 bedroom flat and she has also said she wouldn’t do it as she knows what it’s like as she lived with him and his dad before she came to me. Feeling like no one is listening to ME. nothing in me or my family’s best interests I’ve changed a lot I’m stressed angry upset and that’s not the type of person I am. I’m at a hearing today to determine what’s happening but I feel like nothing will be in my favour. I’ve been up in a position I didn’t want to be in.

Oh lovely, that is so hard. It sounds like you were badly let down as a child, and so were your siblings. It’s quite clear that you must have enormous resilience and character to be doing so well with your own 2 children, especially as you were only 16 when you had your eldest, and clearly got no support. I know you are doing well because otherwise they wouldnt have wanted you to take your brother.
You are a very special person and it’s ok to say no. It’s also ok to ask for anything and everything that would make things work for your brother, either with you or elsewhere. From everything you have said, it sounds like you should all have been removed from parents years before and given a chance to thrive. Stay calm with them, stay calm and clear and don’t feel guilty. I am absolutely breathless with admiration for all you have already done.

also , if there are hearings you should have been given Legal Aid and status as an intervenor. You would have you4 own solicitor to help you then. Ask the judge or magistrates!