Unexpectedly fostering - all sorts of advice please!

[Teaallday]

I’ll try to keep this brief!

A child in our youngest’s class (8yrs old) lost his parents when he was younger, and had been living with a legal guardian for the last 18 months. They can’t have him anymore, and he has no other family, so when we heard he was being put in the care system we offered to have him for the summer holidays to see whether he could settle with us before being handed over to children’s services. He has a lot of issues (attachment/abandonment difficulties, lying, controlling behaviour etc), but he is otherwise a lovely boy, he’s just had a hellish start in life.

We knew when he came to us that he would never be going back to live with his legal guardian, and that it would be up to us to then hand him over to his SW if we couldn’t make it work here. We prepared our DC for this by explaining that he was with us for the summer in the hope it could work, but that if the impact on them was too much/unworkable then we would advocate for him and work with social services while we found him a good home locally so he could hopefully stay at the same school and not have to face any additional upheavals.

We’re 3 weeks in, and it certainly hasn’t been easy. But it hasn’t been a nightmare either. So it looks like we’re going to be doing this for the long term.

Children’s services are currently in the process of transferring parental responsibilities from his ex-legal guardian to social services, and have asked us what we would like to do. Apparently we can apply to be foster carers, or apply for a SGO. I’m aware there are differences in terms of how much financial support you get, and how much agency you have with regards to making decisions for the child you’re caring for, but are there any other factors we should consider or need to know? We didn’t have a relationship with his guardian, and only know the boy as a classmate of our DS, plus I work as a TA at their school, so I’m known to the child in that way as well…

In my opinion, he needs years of therapy to process what he’s been through, and could do with all the support he can get from the school/local council etc - I’m not sure if the arrangement we enter in to with them would affect what support we can access?

Finally, how to handle the guilt? When things are going well I feel great about the situation, and really happy that we’re able to offer this child a home, but when things are hard, I feel so angry with myself for doing this to my biological children (8 and 13) and for changing the course and shape of their home life and family dynamic so drastically. They understand why we’ve done what we’ve done, and agree we should do everything we can to help this child, but the impact on them is massive and the thought it might never be the four of us ever again makes me quite sad.

My youngest is particularly feeling the strain. The child we’re caring for is in his class, and so when they return to school in September there will be no respite for him. He’ll be in the same classroom during the day, witnessing the meltdowns and helping to pick up the pieces, and then going through the same thing at home. I’m going to speak to the school about how we can create space for them (not being sat together or paired up/put in groups etc, as you would with twins) but I’m worried this won’t be enough.

Thank you for reading if you’ve got this far! Any advice to an unprepared newbie would be hugely appreciated.

Definitely definitely stay as foster carers, on the proper professional fostering scheme.
1- it keeps the child in the system and up the list when it comes to resources/support/services.
2- financially, it makes it much easier on you all. Pay for a cleaner, outings, as well as the actual additional costs the child brings (bigger car, extra tickets for theme park etc).
3- the support and training aspect. You will need it.

If after 6 or 7 years everything is running smoothly, you can switch across to SGO if you want rid of SS (make sure the teens have started as that brings regression).

My kids learned amazing things as a result of fostering. However it contributed to knackering my health.

There are risks.

I would really advise getting independent legal advice if that is an option for you, re whether foster care or special guardianship would be preferable. otherwise the family rights group website is a good source of advice, they used to have a helpline too. Do you know what his legal status is with you at the moment? I.e did the local authority formally take him into care from his former guardian, or are you counted as privately fostering currently?

In my view he needs immediate therapeutic intervention, and an independent advocate. Local authorities can be very messy in their handling of these situations and you are right that his legal status can affect the financial and other support you and he may be entitled too. Special guardianship entitles him to the therapeutic support under the post adoption support services (5000/year), but in the past depending on your circumstances meant less support including financial from the local authority. Recent case law has changed that somewhat.

Whereas local authority foster care payments historically were more, and looked after child status meant he had entitlement to support as a child in care. However if he is not currently a looked after child (subject to a care order) that affects everything, so find out. Usually special guardianship would be better than private fostering but not better than being a local authority foster carer.

Lol picklemewalnuts said it better than me. Also you are trying to do a lovely thing, but it is not your responsibility to make it work, the state needs to support you and this poor little boy. Have a look at resources around therapeutic parenting and PACE for help with some of this.

This is all so helpful, thank you! Yes, we were thinking legal advice would be a good plan, and I hadn’t heard of getting an independent advocate - I’ll look into it, thanks.

I did speed-read some books by Sarah Naish re therapeutic parenting in the week or so period that I had before he came to us, so I’m trying to incorporate that as much as possible and he’s responding well to PACE stuff… Some of it is common sense but the rest is going to take me a while to master I think!

I managed to get him in with a counsellor starting this weekend, I think because of Covid and a lack of engagement with his pervious guardian there just hasn’t been anywhere enough therapeutic help made available to him. The school told me he’s had a course (8 sessions) of bereavement counselling but nothing more than that. Lots more needed, I think.

Has anyone in a similar situation had family therapy to help everyone else at home adjust to the change? I’m wondering if that might be a good plan?

I would definitely foster. I work in a related field (education team at the LA for children in care) and you get a lot more support if you foster. Ultimately you can go for an SGO further down the line if you’re confident that he’s with you for the long term and you want to have PR, but for now I would stay as foster carers.

I'm an adopter.

Usually with adoption they want the placed child to be at least 2 years younger than the other children in the family. I'd be quite concerned about your own 8yo in all of this, and really wonder whether you fostering this boy is the right thing long term.

I second the vote to remain as foster carers for now. You may well be pressured to agree to SGO but hold out. Some councils will fund legal advice for you so you can get to grips with what both options entail. SGO would mean less interference from the council but also risk less support, or at least time limited support. There is better recognition that children subject to SGOs are in need of additional support but it’s still patchy. Thank you for stepping up for this boy, even if it doesn’t end up being for the long term.

From experience don’t subjugate the needs of your own children especially if the younger one is feeling the strain. It is also relevant why the guardian placement broke down. Be prepared for there tonne little practical support for you from SS as well.

Did you have an existing close relationship with this child before this?

This sounds somewhat irresponsible given what you've said so far but of course there might be more to it

The LA should provide a set amount of legal advice and then your solicitor will set out the pros and cons of both.

Part of the assessment (whether its SGO or connected persons) should look at that effect on your children and your feelings about that and you need to be honest. Lots of SGOs or connected person situations break down and there are particular risk factors to those breakdowns which often people dont want to recognise or they try to minimise.

Re therapeutic parenting, try and get some family play therapy. There's something called theraplay which helps you bond as a family.

But be aware your 8 yr old could feel that he's losing something special in allowing someone else to share his parents. I would avoid rushing. Extend it 'for a while'. Give yourselves time to adjust.

There are some great books-
'Parenting the child that hurts' is great. Caroline Perez maybe?

Anything by Dan- argh, can't remember his name. It'll come back to me.

Try and find out about his early life. If he had a good family life it makes things easier. What about the guardian?
What happened to cause that to break down? It will influence how he settles.

@picklemewalnuts Dan Hughes

I agree with this. I know you want to help, but I really don't think your home is the right environment for this child.

That was my first thought too sorry. I think it's potentially very damaging for your 8 yo. Particularly as they're at the same school and you're a TA there as well.

I'd strongly suggest you put them in separate schools. But moving your foster child could be detrimental to him, moving your bio child away from a school he is settled in, and where you work, would feel like you're trying to get rid of him.

You also seem to have involved your children in the decision - how guilty are they now going to feel if you/they decide it's not going to work.

Letting him go to an trauma-experienced long term foster carer who doesn't have any other children sounds far better all round. You could presumably offer occasional respite at weekends to keep in touch?

If you are determined to do this then definitely foster. However I agree with those suggesting this whole relationship may not be best for anyone concerned - truthfully I am surprised you were allowed to take him into your home.

Can he and your DS be placed in different classes, so they each get some space?

Do you think you’re making the right decision op? It sounds like you’re throwing your own child under a bus to help this boy. A child’s home is meant to be a haven. You’ve provided a haven for this boy, but at the detriment to your own children. It already sounds like it’s having too much of an impact on your son, and it’s about to get even more intense without a respite even in school

The two paragraphs you have written about impact strongly suggest your home is not the best long term solution, however willing you are.

Another adopter here- please think about your own child's needs first and foremost.

My DC are both adopted (siblings) but one is very high needs and one is not. My poor DS doesn't get any respite from my DD (same school, same home, same days at ex-DH's) and it really takes a toll on him. I genuinely don't know how he copes some days as I couldn't do it.

Are you doing this to avoid the boy being "in the care system"? Because to be honest I don't know if that is worse than being the odd one out in a potentially overstretched family and it will also impact on your own children.
There aren't masses of resourses availablewhereverhe is, if he's with you a lot will fall on you. And impact your relationship with your partner if you have one, your extended family, likely you work at some point and so on. People who Foster normally either have a training first and social work support or they take in a family member in a time of crisis, not just a child they know.
If you foster there will be regular social work visits and meetings, this will impact on your kids too having social workers round every few weeks.
I don't rate SGOs hugely as they break down a lot and I think a lot are manipulated to fit to get the child "out of the care system" but you do get the adoption support fund access.

FWIW, I fostered a very troubled child, a bit older than yours. It worked well for her - she largely recovered from the trauma, and stayed with us till she went to Uni. But it was incredibly hard work, and it did make parenting my own kids much more complicated. If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I’d have said ‘no’.

Hi Teaallday, I am late to the replies.
I hope things are going well. Those first few months of fostering are very stressful, even if you did know the child first. Its very stressful when you suddenly become responsible for them.
The "guilt" part jumped out to me in your OP and I wanted to empathise. I am sorry to say that for me, its never gone away. When I started fostering my children were 10 and 15. My 15 year old (girl) managed it very well but my 10 year old, not so much. I would say to your credit, you are only taking one child and I took 3. I think that will make a huge difference to your ability to make sure they are not overlooked. I never intended to overlook him of course! I love him so very much. However, as he has just gone off to Uni this year, I feel so much regret. I would still have fostered but I would have taken the chance of respite for the foster children (as much as the fostering service advise against it) in order to calve out some special time for "just him". Whilst it has given him a wider outlook of what the "real" world is like, I wish I had considered him more from the outset.
You can do it though and sucessfully, I am sure of it. Its just about getting the balance right.
Don't do what I did and and tell him he should be setting an example for others to lead. That was one of my mistakes. Let them just be themselves.
Best of luck. A fellow FC.

You can get an SGO with a strong SGO support plan - it means you are entitled to support etc but if you don't want to access it then the child won't be subject to social work intervention constantly which won't help him feel the same as others x