Left feeling put off by initial phone call

[DosmammasTTC]

My wife and I (36 year old married lesbians) have recovered from IVF and our only ever pregnancy and loss. We made contact with our LA to adopt in 2021 but when we told our family they all "donated" money to give us one more go at IVF (this wasn't a don't adopt try again!! It was more like we wanted to try again after a complete disaster of a first round to settle our minds and make sure there were no regrets)

We told the LA at that time, that for now our adoption plans are on hold, not ended because adoption/ fostering has always been a goal of ours no matter how many biological children we had from IVF.

Anyway our last round ended up with two embryos, one failed transfer, one successful transfer that sadly ended in miscarriage and a diagnosis of severe endometriosis with a recommendation to not do anymore fertility treatments.

We were upset but got through it. In that time we thought a lot about adoption vs fostering and thought that right now in our life we just want to care for children, doesn't have to be permanent, we have a nice new modern home that's empty and we want to offer it and our boring lives to children as we can give them so much uninterrupted love and attention. We really want to find our feet as parents through a fostering, despite our initial adoption enquiry.

Today the LA called to talk to us about fostering and start the process, she asked us twice why we went from wanting adoption to fostering, why did we change our mind, we explained our situation that we just want to offer a safe place for a child at the moment to care, nurture and support them until they go back to their normal lives (or whatever is their normal) and not entirely ready about the permanence of adoption. She gave us a sense of skepticism and that she didn't really understand, that we weren't telling the full story, that we would foster a child and expect to "keep them" because we have had a loss. My wife and I after was confused..what did we say wrong?? Are we wrong? Should we go back to adoption? We were left a little bit reeling like we aren't what a LA has in mind or that we have wrong idea about what fostering is and it won't meet our needs therefore we won't be able to meet a child's needs?

I don't know....we thought the phone call would be positive as last years the adoption was so positive and supportive.. but now we have been left wondering if the LA will assess us in a negative way because we changed from adoption to fostering?

Maybe she was exploring (badly) if you have had conversations around how you would deal with the very real feelings of loss when you move a fostered child on and how that would impact on you both?

Fostering isn't practice parenting though. If you are assessed to foster you may need to consider long term placements not just short term. Caring for children who are subject to care proceedings is likely to be even more challenging than caring for children long term as they will often be dysregulated and highly anxious. Most children in foster care don't go home, they will either stay with you or move on to long term placements and that's not an easy thing to do.
it seems to me that you are viewing fostering as a practice run or temporary parenting which it really isn't.
that's not to say you should be put off, but really have a think about what you want to offer. If you want short term placements have you considered teenagers?

I had two bad phone calls with fostering agencies in a similar ‘jumping to false conclusions about me’ kind of way. It put me off honestly and I didn’t persue it. Maybe it’s some kind of test to see how dedicated you are and you have to get past the first meetings and phone calls gatekeepers.

I wouldn't necessarily be put off at the first hurdle. You will meet some very lovely, supportive, encouraging people along the way and you'll also meet some challenging, intrusive, borderline aggressive people too. Keep talking amongst yourselves and if you're clear that you want to continue and you're clear about your motivations, tolerate the difficult people, use them as triggers to introspect harder and keep going!

Thankyou, this comment is very helpful, we have been re-exploring what we want. And maybe her scepticism serves a good purpose because it's caused us to re-evaluate. We need to really think now.

Fostering is a job, or perhaps more broadly a vocation, adoption is a form of building a family. As such, pople usually come to each because of different desires. Perhaps they wanted to make sure you don't see fostering and 'adoption light'. Seeing it as something that is easier to withdraw from if you don't like it?

Perhaps they are concerned that you have not had much time to process the losses that you have experienced and thus maybe the timing isn't right?

You applied to adopt, you had one last bash at IVF and now seeking to foster. It could be that the SW fears you see fostering as the " very last resort".

Temporary care of children is a very different relationship from permanent parenting and she may be wondering how much you appreciate that.

I’ve been through the adoption process, not fostering, but I think that social workers do their best to put you off. They only want the most resilient and committed people going forward. My sw said to me that they are looking for people who can advocate for themselves, because they will need to advocate for any child that gets placed with them so they are looking for people that don’t give up as soon as things get tough.

So keep at it, keep reading and learning about it. Go and meet people who are doing it. Don’t give up if it is what you want.

A few points to make.

Firstly it is wrong to say that you might have to consider long term placements. If you only want to do short term placements then that is perfectly possible indeed my own authorisation to foster is short term only.

Secondly there are plenty of poor fostering assessors out there so dont let one person's opinion run your life. We were told by one assessor that they were recommending to panel (final meeting to get authorisation) to not authorise us and therefore we shoud withdraw. We refused and were duly authorised.

As in most walks of life there are awful social workers who might just take a dislike to you and let that affect their professional judgement (there are also brilliant social workers). If you are going to foster you need to develop a thick skin and be prepared to challenge authority to stick up for you and your foster children.

Thirdly just because you would have preferred your own biological children or to adopt doesn't mean you cant do a fantastic job fostering and you need to make that case strongly.

If the LA don't want you then no problem speak to some agencies. Be up front about the issues you have encountered. If two or three agencies agree with the LA assessment of your situation then you need to take that on the chin but don't let one opinion on such an important decision put you off.

@f0stercarer thanks for this! The duty worker sent us an email with loads of info on both fostering and adoption with the local council. My wife and I talked for days about both and have decided to go down the adoption path. So I guess the phone call was a positive for us in the end as it got us to really talk about what we want. We spoke to the same duty worker again and she referred us to the LA adoption duty worker and she was so welcoming, understood where we were coming from and has booked us onto the next info evening where we will meet her there.