Personal life/Foster care

[Sammymommy]

Good morning,

I have been feeling a calling for foster caring for quite some time now and I think I want to start in the next 12 months.

I just read that SW ask for references of past relationships. The problem is I have never been in a long term relationship and I don't want to try and contact someone I dated for a few months 2/4/10 years ago to ask for a reference. So to be clear, I would not provide any reference from ex partners.

My lifestyle is a choice, I am not desperate to live with skmekne, I enjoy my independance.

I have been a nanny for over 10 years now though. I have a child related diploma. I have dozens of glowing references from people I have worked for (most for over 2 years). I have been with the same family for over 7 years. Sure enough all these references are good enough to prove that I am not a child abuser.

I understand the need to be thorough in checking a prospective carer, but that information made me feel very uncomfortable and actually doubt I can be a foster carer (which would be a shame). I am a bit worried to go through the whole process to be humiliated then rejected because of my personal life.

Anyone could give me their opinion/experience on that?

It is people you lived with who usually get contacted and especially any you might have parenting children with. Someone you casually dated for a few months and didn't live with would not usually be contacted. If there is anyone you would be particularly concerned about being contacted talk to your social worker about the reasons why.

Just a clarification, I don't have children (my user name might be confusing)

So if I never lived with anyone (well flatmates a few years ago, that I would not mind giving references for), would that be a problem?

dont worry about it. if an applicant has been in a long term relationship then it is relevant to contact them but if not so what ? Good luck with your application.

If you haven’t had any significant relationships then I doubt they would bother to ask anyone you have had short relationships with.
I had a child with ex partner, hadn’t seen him for years but they wanted to see him.
They will ask to speak to friends hopefully that will be ok. This is to check you have a good support network.
A long work history that can be checked is required. They don’t like to have big gaps as they like to know that you’ve been doing and that it’s legitimate.
They will also check your finances. Ours was quite intense but other carers not so much.
With all of your experience you’re already off to a good start.
Good luck.

Its to rule out domestic violence. They also do background checks on anyone who likes with you currently.

I can't see the lack of a long term relationship ruling you out being a Foster carer.

*lives

I know a woman who fostered following being widowed. She's not had another relationship. Background in teaching so had worked with children for years.

You can only start from where you are.

It is perfectly acceptable for life-long single people to foster.

Our referees were 2 friends and a brother.

If you want to foster, just get started on the assessment process. Don't try to second guess it.

It's people that you have been a SIGNIFICANT relationship with!

It's not just about "proving your not a child abuser" or "domestic violence" it's also about getting a good picture of your and your life. The assessment may feel a little intrusive but the purpose is to give you a better understanding of what fostering involves and give them a good understanding of the type of foster care you would be good at and would suit you.

You can enquire at the LA you live in for a conversation before the process would start either way and you can iron out the things that you think they might ask.
I don't think they would contact short term ex's but they instead may ask you to give a long term friend as a reference because as I said they want to know more about you.

Good luck!

Sounds like you have loads of relevant experience. I am a foster carer and I was worried sick as they wanted to speak toy ex h and we had horrendous divorce only 2 years earlier. He told them I was a bitch to him but agreed I was a good mum. My 2nd dh had not lived with a woman before and so they did not worry about his past more casual relationships. He got a reference from Scout Leader and another from friends with children he had known a long time. I was a teacher and got reference from my school, from a past Sixth Form student I maintained a close relationship with as I was on several local committees with her and she had been in my tutor group for 5 years before going to Uni, graduating and talking a job. I also got a reference from a friend.

There are so many children who need a good home. Every year more children go into care. Please don't give up. The assessment process is quite long, ours was 2 hours once a fortnight for 4 months but it is worth it.

Our assessment process was 10 2-hour sessions, weekly. The first five were getting to know us (you might not need 5 if there is only one of you). This involved describing our families, early childhood, later childhood, education, early adulthood etc.

The second five were about the experiences you might get in fostering - understanding the child, safeguarding, record keeping etc.

In addition we had about 3 evening sessions with other potential foster carers (on Zoom last year). These were called Skills to Foster.

When sign up with the taster sessions and start the assessment process, there is no barrier to fostering. As time goes on, they may not think you are suitable, but that should be early on. For example, when we were exploring our support network (mums from school, neighbours, family, church), our ASW described a candidate who knew literally no one in her community. She was swiftly (and kindly) dropped.

They asked for contact info on my ex boyfriend. I'd been married 20 years ! No idea where he was.

I pointed that out and it was fine.

It's partly about assessing your judgement, I think.