Adopting a foster child

[Pegs11]

Hi, my husband and I are thinking about fostering, but also considering adopting... we are weighing things up and trying to arm ourselves with as much information as possible.

Just wondered… Is it possible to adopt a child you're fostering? Let’s say they’ve been with you for years and there’s no chance of them returning to their birth family. Is this something that happens… and does it happen a lot? Thanks

Yes, it’s very possible, though it would not generally be a child you had for years, but could end up that way.

Usually when a child is placed in foster care there are various investigations and legal proceedings but it’s decided within a few months whether a child will be returning to birth family or being placed for adoption. Then the foster family could put themselves forward as potential adopters and they would be considered and either approved or not. Sometimes the birth family can appeal and get the case brought back to court, or a suitable relative could turn up last minute, making the proceedings drag on. A friend of mine has just adopted a 4 year old she’s fostered for over 3 years because things dragged on so long.

It is fairly common among foster carers I’ve met. Often on courses we’ll introduce ourselves and about a third of the carers there will say something like ‘I’ve got 2 adult birth children, 1 adopted and 2 in foster placement.’

You also can do ‘foster to adopt’ which is when you take in a child on a foster placement already knowing that the child has a plan for adoption in place. Usually this is babies removed at birth where it is already decided the birth mum won’t be keeping the baby. You foster them for about 6 months and then the Adoption Order is granted. You do have to be aware though that during the foster period there is always a chance the mum will successfully appeal the decision or another relative will come forward to offer the baby a permanent home and be approved over you.

Hi @AmyandPhilipfan, thank you for your very comprehensive answer 😊

We would be reluctant to foster an infant, we don’t feel we could give them the level of care they need. We feel that (at least in these early stages of research) we might be better suited to an older child, perhaps over 10 years old or even a teenager.

We don’t have any children of our own though, and something that frightens me about fostering is that we’d get super attached to the child, who then at any point could be sent back to their birth parents (or a relative who steps forward) and we might never see them again. This would potentially be devastating for us.

The fact that it could potentially take years, after making an application to adopt a foster child, is also off-putting. I can’t imagine a child being with us for years, effectively becoming part of the family… and then having to give them back.

It’s good to be armed with information though, so we can decide if fostering is right for us. At the moment there are too many ifs and buts, but hopefully things will become clearer as we continue to research fostering.

Tbh, I’d seriously look at what it takes to foster an older child. Yes, babies need your time and attention, but a 10 year old that’s probably had a great deal of trauma in their lives will be much more challenging for a foster family.

@Soontobe60 that’s another thing we will have to weight up. I personally know one family who fostered a 14 year old girl and they think she’s amazing and fits in with their family really well … but I’m aware there are going to be a range of traumas and subsequent behaviours. I guess I’m thinking that with fostering a teen, you might gain some idea as to their character, needs, and behaviours before they join you. If a child has shown a propensity for violence then we would not be able to cope with that, and I imagine by age 14 you’d have some idea as to whether they’ve demonstrated this.

I admit to being totally naive though, these are all just assumptions I’ve made at the start of my journey and I keen to have people with real experience to either challenge or confirm my assumptions.

I agree that a child over ten who has been in care is bound to come with a multitude of complex issues. Your friends sounds like they’ve been very lucky. I used to work with our kids in care. It is not uncommon for children to be fostered and for it to break down more than once because the family couldn’t cope. I think you would need to be very experienced with children and very well informed. Also it isn’t always the case that families are informed of the full range of issues which a child may have.

The way fostering works is many cases are not long term but during court proceedings, so six months to a year. You really need to find out about how fostering works and what the role actually is. Some proceedings end up long term fostering as the care plan so then you could offer long term to the child but just as often the plan after court is adoption, reunification or living with another family member.

If you offer long term to an older child they will come with a range of challenges because they are default traumatised in some way, at the very least due to being removed from birth family and then usually of course for the reasons they were removed.

You should get in touch with your local authority fostering department and they will be able to help you understand the role properly.

I work for a local authority fostering service and we don't accept people who see fostering as a route to adoption. Sometimes established carers do end up adopting but they have to have a separate adoption assessment, be approved as adopters and then have the match with the child approved. So it's not a case of becoming a foster carer and then deciding just to 'keep' them because it's too hard to let them go. No child can be adopted unless their care plan is adoption anyway.

If you do decide to go down this route they will want you to have experience doing volunteer work with children. So something you could do is look for volunteer placements to see how you find it. It will support your application and give you insight into interacting with children that you aren’t related to.

Think about if you want to foster or adopt because they are different routes. Yes you can have a child placed in a “foster to adopt” basis, but that is for those on the adoption route and only for children social services are 90% sure won’t be returned to birth family. Usually in case where other children have already been removed and birth family hasn’t made any changes but have just had another baby.

Contact your local council as they usually run information sessions where you can go and ask questions.

We adopted a school age child and it’s been hard work but brilliant. Sadly children over age of 4 can be considered “to old” to adopt so I think if you wanted to foster / adopt an older child social services would be keen to look at your application.

You should read Attachment, Trauma and Resilience by Katy Cairns she is a social worker and has also fostered lots of children. It provides an in depth look at fostering children in all age ranges from difficult toddlers to self harming teens, it is both funny and heart wrenching at the same time.

You could apply to be a permanent foster carer. Then you would be matched up with a child who has already had a temporary carer and it has been decided they need to stay in foster care. Sometimes if children are older it’s decided they still need to keep contact with birth family, or are considered too old to be adopted as it’s much harder to find adoptive families for older children, so they move into permanent foster care. Sometimes this is because the original carers don’t want to, or can’t, cope with the child’s issues long term so you have to really look into why a new permanent home is being looked for. But sometimes it is just a case of some carers only wanting to do short term care so when a child needs long term they move on so the carer can take a new short term placement.

I’m a permanent carer for two children who originally were going to be with me short term but when it was decided they needed permanent care we said we would keep them. It is as much like adoption as it can be. They call us mum and dad, we make all decisions about what schools to send them to etc. But they do still have contact with birth family. For us that works quite well but I know some long term families struggle with the birth family contact. With long term fostering there is the added bonus of a paid fee to the carer and a paid allowance to be spent on the child. This allows me to have foster caring as my job so I’m home every day when the kids finish school and I’m there all school holidays etc. Whereas if I’d adopted I would have had to have had another job as well.

I work in this field. It is possible to adopt an older child you are fostering (say aged 10+), but it's much more likely that you would be looking at Long Term Fostering, which is where it is agreed that you will look after the child until adulthood but they remain technically in the care system. The reason for this is that adoption means completely severing the connection with birth family and older children usually won't want this (I know this sounds counterintuitive but older children often do want to remain in contact with parents, siblings and wider family and adoption is not usually the best way to promote this).

I would encourage you to go for it though - it's true that older children can be really hard to foster but I also wouldn't say your friends situation is super rare either, it can be really rewarding.

something that frightens me about fostering is that we’d get super attached to the child, who then at any point could be sent back to their birth parents (or a relative who steps forward) and we might never see them again. This would potentially be devastating for us.

A frequent goal of foster caring is that the child will go back to their birth family. You are not their parent, just a temporary carer.

Thank you all your sharing your thoughts with me. @HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime that sounds like a useful book, I will download it! Thank you