The struggles are tough at times being a foster parent.. Exhausted

[Youngfostermumx]

Hi everyone

Just needing to let off some steam and wondering if any others are foster parents? The little one I have is 6 and its looking likely to be long term (which were happy about) been with us for approx 7 months. However the 'meltdowns' have made me completely exhausted today, 6 yo. Nothing ever seems good enough, cant do right for doing wrong, pushing boundaries, attempting to cause a rift between myself and partner, being really unkind to the pets, throwing self on the floor, hates the word no, attitude of a 17 year old, will not take on any advice/guidance in regards to 'naughty' behaviour.. I could go on and on.. Just back from a 5 day caravan holiday and it was the most stressful break we have ever been on 😂 can be settled for a prolonged period of time them boom out of no where were back at square one again.. I can actually tell what sort of day were going to have just from the tone of voice they greet me with in the morning 😴

However the goods are amazing believe me.. And im a mental health nurse so I know about trauma ect. I think im just exhausted today to be honest :( anyone else have similar experiences??

My daughter's psychiatrist recommended that she worked with her therapist using DBT therapy. My daughter was 14 at the time so a totally different scenario to yours.

I started to read up on it. It was interesting to read that children who have experienced trauma in their lives, for my daughter it was her dad dieing they spend more energy in the alert stage. So instead of exploring, enjoying life as they feel secure they always feel like they have to be alert. An example could be that they could have an amazing day at the beach, swimming, playing with other kids, building sandcastle, eating icecream. They got sunburnt despite having suncream on. They explode as they knew it wasn't safe.

A book that is highly recommended is this one

www.amazon.co.uk/Explosive-Child-Sixth-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0063092468?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Also this one, www.amazon.co.uk/Connective-Parenting-guide-connecting-Approach/dp/1546718702?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

[quote butterfly990]My daughter's psychiatrist recommended that she worked with her therapist using DBT therapy. My daughter was 14 at the time so a totally different scenario to yours.

I started to read up on it. It was interesting to read that children who have experienced trauma in their lives, for my daughter it was her dad dieing they spend more energy in the alert stage. So instead of exploring, enjoying life as they feel secure they always feel like they have to be alert. An example could be that they could have an amazing day at the beach, swimming, playing with other kids, building sandcastle, eating icecream. They got sunburnt despite having suncream on. They explode as they knew it wasn't safe.

A book that is highly recommended is this one

www.amazon.co.uk/Explosive-Child-Sixth-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0063092468?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Also this one, www.amazon.co.uk/Connective-Parenting-guide-connecting-Approach/dp/1546718702?tag=mumsnetforu03-21[/quote]
Thankyou for the reply.. There would be no way she would be able to engage in any DBT therapy at the moment due to her age your theory does make sense though x

I always thought I wanted to be a foster parent until I had my own kids and found out how hard it is being in a relationship with untraumatised children, I just couldn’t do it because I’d struggle so much getting frustrated with them and feeling guilty. Sounds like a tough day

I’m 7 years in with my two boys and spent the first 5 dreading the summer holidays because I found being around them constantly so draining! They were 5 and 6 when they came and are 12 and 13 now so, although still hard work, they don’t need to be watched constantly.

I found the period of them not knowing what was going to happen to them left them very unsetttled. The eldest was very emotional and screamed the place down at times and the youngest had an issue with soiling and would also constantly misbehave in school. Once they knew they were staying with me things did get a bit better.

The 12 year old still constantly pushes boundaries and I am quite exhausted from dealing with him for 7 years with no break but he is more manageable than when he was 5 and most of his issues stem from being the middle one in a household of 3 kids. Ultimately I think he would have enjoyed being an only child but he has to deal with the fact he’s not.

I am a foster carer and FC has learning disability and ADHD. The child never slept more than about 4-5 hours each night. I followed the advice of consultant and got him into sport. Once I have physically exhausted him by trampolining, cricket, running, swimming lengths etc he sleeps so much better. Then he is not crabby and bad tempered when he is awake in the day time. His behaviour improved massively. He is no longer bored. The bonus is he now swims for our town and plays cricket at county level. The team sport has brought on his social skills too.