What do I need to know before making a crazy decision?

[zedders]

NC as very outing.

A year or so ago, DH's SS and BIL fostered and then adopted the BIL's now 14 yo niece. I'm not well informed about the circumstances but I believe the mother was an addict and the girl was frequently left to fend for herself for entire weekends.

DH's SS has always been a very cold, hard person, so the adoption really changed our opinion of her. However, we've just found out that they have handed the girl over to social services a few weeks ago and she is with a foster family. Again, details are unclear but the ones we have been told just seem mostly like normal annoying kid behaviour, plus some more worrying issues like sexting. We know she was in a psych ward recently and ended up having to stay there until a foster family was found as the SS wouldn't have her back.

We've only met the girl a few times and she seemed nice enough, and literally starved for affection (trying to make up for it by never letting her uncle/adoptive dad go). She's spent time with our own 14yo DD and they get on well.

DH, I, and MIL are all appalled at this situation. Step FIL supports his daughter and doesn't see the issue--the girl has "ruined" their family life. We know that BIL is extremely upset and are meeting him tomorrow to chat.

Both DH and I independently wondered if we should try to foster this girl. Our DD is horrified by what's happened and has asked the same thing.

We're not in the UK so I don't need legal/financial details as such, but what do we need to think about family-wise before even suggesting this as a plan? As well as DD we have three DS, 12, 10 and 5. We both work full-time but are quite flexible (I'm self-employed). DD and one DS are autistic, so we already have experience of MH issues and attending many appointments.

She has four more years of school, starting high school in September, same as our DD, so presumably that's the maximum length of fostering. (I do wonder if her uncle/adoptive dad might separate as a result of this and take her back in, but that's just conjecture.) I just feel so bad for this poor kid, having such a shitty start in life, thinking she then had a stable home, and now being quite cruelly rejected yet again. We could do something to help--but would it harm my own DC? Could I handle it?

We have no real relationship with DH's SS and family except seeing them at Christmas so don't care about treading on toes or upsetting people.

For context, we have an ex-stray cat that I am allergic to and whose presence causes our other cat (who is DD's and therefore has to stay at any cost) to shit all round the house, and we can't even bring ourselves to rehome her, so clearly we often let heart rule head...

I would appreciate any thoughts.

The starting point is whether your home and family are the best option for the child. Given the circumstances I would say that someone experienced in therapeutic parenting will be needed. Yes you could feed and shelter her, and you would be able to convey your feelings about her but I mean this kindly, you’d be out of your depth dealing with her emotions and trauma.

Think about how you could be a positive adult influence for her, in other ways.

I think probably not

Your analogy re the cat is distasteful and doesn't illustrate what you think it does.

Your outrage and indignation re SIL is misplaced. You have no idea what this experience has been like for her or how her health may be suffering. I strongly suggest you don't use tomorrow's opportunity to 'chat' to BIL as a bitching session. It would be very sad if a relationship broke down because a couple tried and failed to do a kind thing.

You have no idea of this child's needs. They will almost certainly profoundly affect your own children. If you go into this, you will probably look back at this thread and give a hollow chuckle. You also don't seem to have thought about how a deeply troubled child could affect your autistic child. It would be unfair to the fostered child not to consider this now. You also need to consider if she's been admitted because of reasons that would cause danger or trauma to your own children.

Unless you plan to show her the door when she's 18, there's no real reason why this would ever end, once it begins. So no end point.

They’ve fostered and then adopted a clearly very very troubled teen and that adoption has then broken down. You both work full time, you have 3 children, some of whom have additional needs.

You would be completely mad to take this on, in a misplaced sense of “I can do it better@.

Also, I do feel that it’s important to highlight that a lot of adoptions break down, and it’s due to a lot of complex factors. You are judging this on a very limited amount of information, quite rightly you have not been told everything as your relationship to her is not close enough to warrant your awareness of her health situation and other information about her.

You describe the situation as though you are looking at it in an idealised Hallmark movie way. Sorry. You really don’t know enough to even be considered as a suitable person to care for her.

I know that’s harsh but it’s better that you think about this differently for all the people involved most of all the child.

Thanks for the tough feedback. I certainly wouldn't be taking it on in a sense of I can do better than SIL, and have no intention of meeting BIL for a bitching session. So far we just know that it was very much not a joint decision and he is devastated and staying elsewhere. I am certainly in no rush to jump in with my eyes shut, and would discuss it long and hard with all involved before taking any steps.

I like your idea of trying to be positive adult influences, @Rainbowshine. We have actually talked about fostering a lot but had intended to wait until the DC were quite a bit older. My gut feeling is that that is still the right thing to do. My heart just breaks for this girl, having seen how love-starved she was/is, but perhaps we can find ways to give her love without being FPs.

@zedders that’s good to hear - she is going to need a lot of support, unfortunately for a lot of children love is not enough and they need specific help from those who have had training and experience to cope with the situation. This board is a really good source of no nonsense advice so it’s worth having a read through the threads if you want to consider fostering.

This is extreme fostering. She has the potential to turn your lives upside down.

I don't think this should be attempted by a first time fosterer with vulnerable children of their own.

@Paddling654 I think you might have misread my admittedly ambiguous post. I meant that my gut feeling was that the right thing would be to wait to foster until our DC are older as per our original plan.

I think that's a wise decision.

Please don't encourage the BIL to think badly of his wife, even if you do think she was cold and unfeeling. An adoption can fail with very empathic and warm people. If she was so desperate for love, she may have played them off against each other in a way that created unbearable dynamics. Not a judgement of her. Trauma is not easy to heal. It's often nobody's fault.

I agree with PPs, it sounds like you are a nurturing person - it's really not enough to make something like this work. If you fostered this poor girl, your nurturing instincts could well swing towards wanting to protect your own children 'from her'.
For context I am half way through a three-week respite fostering placement. I have one almost adult child still at home. I haven't been able to give my DC anywhere near the support I would like to. The foster placements need loads of input, time and boundaries.
I work PT as does my husband. We have a fair bit of trauma experience, but I still find placements hard and question myself.
Also - your cats. When we were assessed, we had to commit in writing to never letting the dog poo in the garden - even if picked up immediately. So you would probably be a non-starter from a social worker point of view for this reason alone.