feeling despondent after 1st 'real' visit

[postitgirl]

So I applied to foster and didn't think they would be interested as I'm single and work. But the first SW said I could work part-time. But today, this SW seemed to think it wouldn't be possible, that I needed to be free for the whole summer hols. I usually take xmas and easter and the mid terms off anyway for my kids, but in the summer I had just assumed the foster child would be able to go to camps, or "after school" (like a camp in school), and then I could take some time off work for some of the weeks. I'm feeling very despondent about it. And she said I didn't have enough friends and family locally. I see she is right in some ways; I'm torn now whether to keep going or to abandon the idea now as the workbook and stuff she has given me is massive, and is there any point if I can't take enough holidays. Feeling massively disappointed.

Just some background I suppose I'm very unfulfilled in my job and I was thinking during covid what could I do that would be fulfilling, something for the future as my kids are older and don't need me as much and I really love kids so I started thinking about fostering.

In the kindest way, have you researched the kind of experiences the children are likely to have had before being fostered, as this might inform you why they can't just access lots of different care providers like their peers might do. Have you thought about offering respite care which isn't such a long commitment?

As kindly as possible but I can re-iterate the poster above, not wanting to stigmatize all foster kids but they almost always have significant additional needs. I've never heard of a main foster carer who has any other job. It is a full-time commitment (and paid for assuming this).
You won't be free 9-3 as you may have been for your own dcs- they may refuse school, need you with them in school, have loads of meetings during the day etc. They may also have behavioural issues which prevent them being around other DC's.
As a FC you do get respite for your 'holiday'. It's probably best to start as a respite carer first.
Try to take a sibling group. They really need carers and it's so good you are interested.

I think you need to research fostering much more than you have

Its really not straight forward at all

Would you not consider giving up your job then to be a full time FC? Like the others have said, kids who have experienced trauma are not always (often) going to be able to cope with alternative or flexible care like this. Respite care could be a way to get a feel for what it would be like - but I agree that a bit more research around the impact of trauma and how kids may be presenting would be a good idea.

OK, I had originally thought that I would have to be a SAHM but the first SW I had was so positive that I could work part-time. I'm applying with the LA and the pay is very small so I couldn't afford to give up my job completely. But I see what you're saying. I read about respite care, but I don't know if that would work and reading between the lines the children who come into respite might be extra-challenging, I don't know if that's true but I don't know if I would have the experience and ability to cope as I don't have enough experience. I probably need to walk away. I've invested a lot of time though, and gone through so many checks and refereress and medicals and everything I'm very sad about it really.

I would love to give up my job and become a full time foster carer. It just seems very uncertain - I might not get a placement for ages, I don't know how I would survive financially.

I have done loads of research and talked to loads of people, and done training, and read books, and watched videos, and read blogs. I mean I won't be working 9-5 every day, I'm looking at 20 hours a week, which would give me lots of free time I had thought.

This is going back a few years now but I did foster carer training with 3 women who were all single and working. They all got told that they could complete the training but would only be considered as respite carers due to their jobs.
They all passed training and all discovered that once they got going there was actually a fair degree of flexibility because the need was so high.
One was allowed to foster an 11 year old long term.
Another happily did respite but did take a couple of longer term emergencies.

So that would be my advice too, put yourself forward for respite as a first step (which can in itself be very fulfilling and much needed) then see where it leads you.

Oh Tiddlezelephant that gives me hope. I know I'm too emotional about it, it's just something I've always wanted to do. Maybe I'll keep going and see if they will approve me for respite and take it from there. The problem now though is they want me to reduce my hours before I get approved, but I said today I don't want to do that because if I don't get approved, then I will have lost half my job IUKWIM. Chicken and egg situaton I suppose I'm not sure how it will be resolved.

Unfortunately most Foster children will struggle to settle or be unable able access regular summer camps and holiday clubs. The impact of trauma and attachment issues they come with makes moving settings extremely difficult and often traumatic for them. Social work may have some specialist provision or programmes they can access over holidays but this is sporadic and might be for example 10-2 rather than a full day.

Also term time with all their appointments, meetings about their care, transporting to different schools often miles away from your own home, contact arrangements with family will make holding down your own job incredibly difficult.

thanks for your message invisimamma. Are you a foster carer. It seems a massive commitment which is not really rewarded financially, probably only possible for a SAHM with a husband realistically. I understand. I live next door to a school and they seem to stay open during the holidays with like sports and art activities, so I thought the foster child could do something like that while I work, but probably I'm not thinking propertly.

I was a foster carer until recently (he's now 18 and on a Stay put agreement). He was 13.5 when he arrived and I worked all the way through but I'm self employed so I managed my own diary. I got him to be independent quite quickly - which was a novelty for him as he'd been mollycoddled up til then) and it's paid dividends for his confidence. I was very very lucky though as he was a fairly well balanced child. He did/does have his issues but on the whole it's been a hugely successful placement. You might find the money is better with a private agency - but the kids are often more difficult - but the support will be better.

Hi Postitgirl,

You sound like you would be a great foster carer and hope you can somehow work it out.

My husband and I have been fostering for many years, and it really would be almost impossible to work even part time, unless your hours were very flexible. There are so many meetings and if the foster child has contact with their siblings you are expected to transport and that can be several times a week. I will give you an example of this week. On Monday one of the foster children had a medical (yearly). On Tuesday morning we had a LAC meeting and after school we had to take one child to a contact session with their siblings. Today we had a visit from one of the children's social workers and on Friday a visit from our supervising social worker. Over the weekend there is more contact visits and on Monday another meeting. So although this is a busy week and it's not always like this, when you have several children there is usually something each week. This wouldn't be a problem if meetings could be arranged to suit you, but I have always been aware that foster carers come last in the pecking order when a multi disciplinary meeting is arranged (we usually aren't even asked if we will be free, it's just expected). Also there is always another training course to attend - only thing that was good about covid was that was done from home - and then children attending therapists and appointments. And every term there will be an EPEC meeting with their school. Over the years we have had children refusing to go to school, so had them home and others that have been excluded. So it would be very difficult for you to be able to do all this whilst working, unless as I have said you can be extremely flexible. I hope you can work something out.

Children in foster care may have attachment issues or behavioural problems meaning that a holiday care type of club won’t be appropriate for them. They are likely to need much more support than some of their peers might.

Respite care is a good idea, and it isn’t necessarily true that all children having respite care are extremely challenging. Most of the young people I met through respite care were sort of middle of the road, having a hard time but not necessarily very difficult behaviourally.

Thanks so much for replying. I will only be having 1 child so only 1 set of meetings, but I see what you're saying. I don't know why it's hitting me so hard, I think I just had my heart set on it, and it's been going on for months so I had really gotten used to the idea, and had it worked out in my head.

Selfishly, I'm so bored in my life, and in my job, I'm desperate for something meaningful. Maybe respite would be a possibility. I guess I'll see what they say. I'm thinking I shoudl just withdraw my application now rather than put myself through the arduous assessment. It's silly I can't stop crying I'm so disappointed. Probably just not meant to be. I've looked at lots of different things - going back to train as something else to work with children, I looked at teaching and different things, but it's impossible financially. Feel like I'm jsut working to put food on the table and that is my lot in life until I die/retire

How old are your own children, OP?

I think they should have been a lot more clear about you working part time, from the start.

fwiw, we fostered for a while. But had to stop[for a different reason]. Again, there was an aspect of the training that should have[and now is I understand] been more thorough.

I understand that not everything can be covered in depth in training, but some things, like your issue and ours, needs to be covered better, as they far from unique issues.

We do respite through the children with disabilities team so it is one child, once a month for a weekend. She is from a loving home, it just gives her a weekend away and her parents a break. She is not high needs, just needs lots of supervising when out and about. Maybe look into that avenue as a way in.

There’s other ways that you could make a meaningful difference to a child’s life that isn’t fostering, if that’s not going to work. Look at mentoring care leavers, supporting them into adulthood, perhaps? You can still do something that meets the needs you have. Fostering is very much putting the needs of the children first quite rightly, and as others have said the majority will have complex or significant needs from a foster carer.

This is why most foster carers don't just take one child. It's not that financially viable. If you can take multiple you get the full time income and are less likely to have any gaps.

Im a foster parent who works 37.5 hours per week as a mental health nurse, my partner is a social worker who works 37.5 hours a week. It can be done however we have alot of extra provision support such as after school club, holiday club if needed. X

My friend works 30 hours a week and fosters a now teenager on a long term placement. It can be done.

It can be done,It’s all about the matching, We have 2 brothers with no contact, enjoy their PGL holiday every summer (when allowed) and i work albeit term time

If you are able to manage your own work diary, you should be able to find a solution.

A completely unpredictable, compulsive child will not be for you, but there are lots of other children that will fit. As a PP said, it’s all about matching.

I work full time and we foster a 13 year old girl- we have for three years. Holidays can be challenging but I believe it’s possible for fostered children to attend summer school, you just need to find the right school and support. Fostering takes a lot, but you can do it !!!