I’m so tired

[Rachie1973]

I just need a little rant really. Or a cry. Or something. I feel awful for my mixed emotions but I feel like my life has been turned upside down.

I’m a mum of 4, stepmum of 2. My husband and I raised them all together, residency with us. The youngest is 19 now and we have 9 grandchildren from them. I LOVE being a Nan. I’m only 49 so I’m young enough to really enjoy it.

My son and his wife have let their children down badly, resulting in them being taken into care. It took me 7 months to extricate them from the system. I tried to get both children but the eldest one was my sons stepson and was placed with his biological family. Disappointing but he is thriving and is very loved. I get on really well with his carer and we maintain the sibling relationship very well.

We finally got our granddaughter from the system in July of last year. Then in September her sister was born and was placed with me 2 days later. SGO on the elder one was granted in Nov, the younger one is still subject to proceedings with a possibility of reunification with her parents. I can’t support this. She’s 5 months old now and this is the only home she’s known, and her sister has lost so much and faces the chance of losing her baby sister now too.

Please don’t get me wrong this is the best decision we ever made. I wouldn’t change it for the world,

This is where it gets weird though. I’m almost grieving for the retirement we had planned. At last we had 2 full time incomes as I was finally able to work full time. We had plans of a lot of travel. We were sporadic, we did things when we wanted to with no need to explain our movements to anyone else. I’ve had to cut my work hours because no way I could work a 40 hour week with a newborn, and I miss it.

I feel guilty for feeling this way though. I have my beautiful granddaughters with me, safe and secure. I feel bad for mourning our plans. I don’t think lockdown helps as I can’t really do any of the things I would normally do with toddlers.

I’m also so tired! I get up at 5ish, when baby wakes. They run me ragged until my husband comes home, then I go to work til 11pm. We hardly see each other really. I then irritate the hell out of my husband because I can’t sleep until 1am ish. It’s just that 2 hours is the only time I have to myself. I can read or watch rubbish tv or post on mumsnet etc.

Please tell me I’m not completely hideous for being so tired and disappointed for my future. I know I’ll get over it and the majority of the time I just feel pure joy in having these little girls in my life,

Sorry. Had my vent lol. I think I feel good for getting it off my chest.

I think you’re very brave and clearly an amazing woman so keep venting as I’m sure others will be along to join in too.

You are amazing for taking on your two grandchildren, especially after all you've done for your children.

I'm an older mum to your younger one, 43 with a three, five and six year old.

Its bloody hard, and was harder when they were a year or two younger.

Of course you can moan and even feel sorry for yourself! You've done it all inde and are doing it again. Go easy on yourself. This stage is hard at the best of times, let alone in your situation.

I don't think you're selfish. It makes total sense that you both totally think you're doing the right thing and also feel the loss of the things you've given up in order to make those choices. It does sound like you're not getting enough sleep though!

You won't actually be getting your pension til you're 67 or so, therefore talk of retirement is a bit premature. Yes it is exhausting with babies and toddlers, but this will improve. Try and enjoy them.

Thank you both so Much! The girls are 19 months and nearly 5 months now. The older one definitely has some trauma issues we’re working on.

They’re beautiful and adored. Just so energetic lol.

@Changethetoner

You won't actually be getting your pension til you're 67 or so, therefore talk of retirement is a bit premature. Yes it is exhausting with babies and toddlers, but this will improve. Try and enjoy them.

Lol my husband is 10 years older than me. We’ve been planning a long time.

I think you're incredible and your babies are lucky to have you. It's very natural to mourn your life not following the exact path you'd planned.

@Rachie1973 of course it's ok to grieve the loss of your planned future. I'm in a similar situation, although not as full on as yours.
Whilst I absolutely don't regret what I'm doing for my GC, I do feel sad for the irreversible effect it's had on my life.
And I have hidden resentment of my AC who put me in this position. I'm also a young grandmother and had so many plans!
But what can you do but step up? I never considered not doing that, and I bet you didn't either.
We will do anything to protect them.
All power to you

[quote Eekay]@Rachie1973 of course it's ok to grieve the loss of your planned future. I'm in a similar situation, although not as full on as yours.
Whilst I absolutely don't regret what I'm doing for my GC, I do feel sad for the irreversible effect it's had on my life.
And I have hidden resentment of my AC who put me in this position. I'm also a young grandmother and had so many plans!
But what can you do but step up? I never considered not doing that, and I bet you didn't either.
We will do anything to protect them.
All power to you[/quote]
You’re right, and I know that resentment! I love my son, but oh my god I’m so angry too!

Mourning the life you expected isn't selfish at all, its part of the letting go and readjusting your expectations thats all. Perfectly healthy!

I'm so pleased you were able to get your DGC out of the system and bring you home, and I'm also so sorry about your son. Whatever has happened, it must be so difficult for you as his mother.

You're doing brilliantly, BTW.

I really feel you and your exhaustion, I don't suppose reducing your hours is an option? You can't run on 4 hours sleep a night forever so I hope things get easier sooner than later - perhaps post covid you'll be able to make use of childcare?

You know, that travel may not be off the table, you just may need to rethink it. When your girls are a little older and the eldest more settled, look at taking them with you? Lots of families do it, and on a budget and maybe you can get make it work - the best of both worlds!

You are brave and amazing OP

Treat yourself to something and get some sleep