Kinship, caring for DB's children - anyone any experience?

[brightertimes123]

Desperately trying to seek support/advice/stories regarding a potential kinship I find myself in.

SiL has severe MH and addiction issues, she refuses to get help. DB has had an emotional breakdown as a result and is in hospital.

TBH I have grave doubts whether he will ever recover enough to parent their DC (10 and 7). The DC are temporarily staying with GParents as they are local and close to the DC BUT they are elderly themselves, and have health issues. Realistically there is no way the DC can be cared for by them long term.
That being the case the DC would need to come to us or SiL's sister. There is no way those children will go into care.

How and where do I go to start exploring this option? How can I get advice on all the implications of taking on someone else's children?? I have no clue where to start and am wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position?

Are the family known to Social Services at the moment? If so the SW involved with the family would be the first point of contact if your DB or SIL is willing / able to ask for help. Is this arrangement with the grandparents an informal arrangement at the moment.There should be a kinship team in the Social Services dept of your local council. Phone and ask to speak to someone they will be able to offer advice about the process and any help that you may be eligible for.

@Itsonlymakebelieve

Are the family known to Social Services at the moment? If so the SW involved with the family would be the first point of contact if your DB or SIL is willing / able to ask for help. Is this arrangement with the grandparents an informal arrangement at the moment.There should be a kinship team in the Social Services dept of your local council. Phone and ask to speak to someone they will be able to offer advice about the process and any help that you may be eligible for.

Yes the family are known to SS now although this has all been very sudden and tbh I'm still in shock. Interim placement order for DC to stay with GPs in conjunction with a prohibitive steps order. Next hearing mid January.

DB is seeking help for his MH issues, SiL refusing to. As things stand DB not capable of engaging with any agency so I/sister of SiL/GPs would need to do the research

There will be a kinship team in the SS department of your LA, contacting them would be a good first move, or, grandparents ask for a joint meeting where you, childrens social worker and grandparents social worker attend to discuss the immediate future (6 months).

There is support available, you do however have to ask for it, it won’t be offered to you which is frustrating.

Don’t discount their Dad, most people recover from breakdowns, he needs to be supported and SS will likely want to know how you are supporting him, as you need to be trusted by him to maintain contact as his health improves.

Research trauma and the impact it has on developing brains. Children who have experienced trauma need different parenting, it is also common for children who have suffered trauma to regress, not just after the trauma, but continually.

Are you in the same LA as the children? If not it can be a pain, my son was living in a different LA to me. The LA the child is from is responsible for the moneyside of certain things, his LA would not organise theraplay etc but were ‘happy’ to refund my LA. My LA were not willing to pay for anything up front as my sons LA may go back on their word and withhold funds.

You can receive ‘pay’ for providing care, but only if you have a residence order and they have previously been looked after/at risk of being a looked after child or the LA placed them in your care. Otherwise you just claim usual benefits you would be possibly entitled to if the child was legally yours.

@SimonJT

There will be a kinship team in the SS department of your LA, contacting them would be a good first move, or, grandparents ask for a joint meeting where you, childrens social worker and grandparents social worker attend to discuss the immediate future (6 months).

There is support available, you do however have to ask for it, it won’t be offered to you which is frustrating.

Don’t discount their Dad, most people recover from breakdowns, he needs to be supported and SS will likely want to know how you are supporting him, as you need to be trusted by him to maintain contact as his health improves.

Research trauma and the impact it has on developing brains. Children who have experienced trauma need different parenting, it is also common for children who have suffered trauma to regress, not just after the trauma, but continually.

Are you in the same LA as the children? If not it can be a pain, my son was living in a different LA to me. The LA the child is from is responsible for the moneyside of certain things, his LA would not organise theraplay etc but were ‘happy’ to refund my LA. My LA were not willing to pay for anything up front as my sons LA may go back on their word and withhold funds.

You can receive ‘pay’ for providing care, but only if you have a residence order and they have previously been looked after/at risk of being a looked after child or the LA placed them in your care. Otherwise you just claim usual benefits you would be possibly entitled to if the child was legally yours.

Thank you that is really useful information.

I am praying that DB will recover and be able to step back in but I envisage that taking a very long time. I also feel that he will probably need to move away from the area. Due to SiL's massively controlling behaviour he has very few friends and the only support he has his SIL's family. That support in itself is fragile and dysfunctional. They have enabled SiL's decline and are still in denial. They still believe it can all be swept under the carpet abs happy families will resume.
DB is mentally and emotionally unsafe around them.

Also to complicated things we all (including SiL's Sister) live in different LA.
All live approx 3 hours from each other

I agree with PP that it does make the process a lot more straightforward if you are in the same LA area as your DB’s family.
Kinship care is usually seen by SS as a very positive option but these children may be very affected by their experience at home and SS will need to be sure that this type of arrangement best meets the needs of the children. It will not just be down to potential kinship carers deciding which one of you will take the children. It may cause frictions in the family as well, which you would need to be prepared for, you may be asked to facilitate contact for the children with one or both of their parents, you may be told that contact is not permitted at this time/ only to be supervised contact, and so you may get one or both parents turning up at your house and you having to refuse them entry. Also how will you feel if/ when the children are returned home, usually this is the aim of SS if at all possible. You may have an opinion as to whether home is suitable or not but will have to let SS return the children if they deem it to be appropriate.

Are the children subject to care orders? You need to contact their SW and ask for a viability assessment, which leads onto a full form f (fostering) assessment. You could either become the children's kinship foster carers or apply for special guardianship orders, which would mean that you would have the over riding share of PR for the children but parents retain some. As foster carers you wouldn't have any PR, it would be shared by parents and the placing local authority.

2nd hand experience but close friends acted as kinship carers for one of their young grandchildren for over a year, they had previously been very close to the child and had provided a lot of practical and financial help to the parents. They had all lived in the grandparents home for a period of time.The parents were young, inexperienced and had made some bad choices but were not intentionally neglectful. SW worked with the young couple and after a period of time, judged that there were able to resume care of the child. The grandparents objected to the child returning to the parents at meetings as they felt there were still issues, SW felt that home was now acceptable if not ideal for the child to go back. Child was returned, parents cut off all contact between themselves and the grandparents and the grandparents have not seen their grandchild again 2 plus years so far. Grandparents are distraught.

@hadesinahalfahell

Are the children subject to care orders? You need to contact their SW and ask for a viability assessment, which leads onto a full form f (fostering) assessment. You could either become the children's kinship foster carers or apply for special guardianship orders, which would mean that you would have the over riding share of PR for the children but parents retain some. As foster carers you wouldn't have any PR, it would be shared by parents and the placing local authority.

GPs have interim placement, prohibitive steps and shared parental responsibility with DB and SiL. I'm not sure whether that is different to a care order.

Are you sure that they have shared PR? Is it an interim care order (sometimes referred to as S38) or is it an interim child arrangement order?

@Itsonlymakebelieve

2nd hand experience but close friends acted as kinship carers for one of their young grandchildren for over a year, they had previously been very close to the child and had provided a lot of practical and financial help to the parents. They had all lived in the grandparents home for a period of time.The parents were young, inexperienced and had made some bad choices but were not intentionally neglectful. SW worked with the young couple and after a period of time, judged that there were able to resume care of the child. The grandparents objected to the child returning to the parents at meetings as they felt there were still issues, SW felt that home was now acceptable if not ideal for the child to go back. Child was returned, parents cut off all contact between themselves and the grandparents and the grandparents have not seen their grandchild again 2 plus years so far. Grandparents are distraught.

That is so sad. What a bloody minefield this all is

I’m sorry you are in this situation, best of luck. A friend went through similar but was turned down solely on the basis that she smoked, I just wanted to mention this in case it’s relevant to you. She was very far through the process before they told her!

We are in the same position. If you have any particular questions feel free to message me.

The first step is to contact the social worker and put yourself forward for viability assessment. Ask for a family group conference if this hasn’t already happened. Also look up foster care standards to get an idea of what you’re taking on. It isn’t as simple as caring for them, there are lots of assessments, training, paperwork etc. You will be fostering them and upheld to the same regulations as any foster carer. The assessments are really invasive so be prepared for what is involved if you decide you want to go ahead.

@Madwife123 have PM'd you