First stage of process of fostering, have had my own troubled past

[anxywait]

Hello everyone! I was advised to post on here after my thread in an aibu post. I had a traumatic childhood (in hindsight i think i would have been much better off placed in care myself) at 17 i fell into working as a 'dancer' in a gentlemen's club, i worked there for 8 years and during that time i saved, bought property and over all managed to escape my miserable upbringing. I met my husband during this time and eventually stopped, we now have a family, our child is 5 and im so thankful that for all the misery i had in my childhood i seem to have the same amount of happiness in my adult life, feel really really blessed. We have recently bought our dream home and have 3 spare bedrooms, we have a settled life and we are just a really happy, loving family.

At the moment i dont work, i just finished studying, after studying i started a job for a start up company but it didnt work out because of lockdown restrictions and with it being start up the owner couldnt afford to pay wages. I dont NEED to work but the extra money is of course helpful, my partner has a well paid job and between us we bring in an additional £900 per month after paying the mortgages on properties we rent out.

I have always wanted to foster or adopt, it breaks my heart thinking that our child is so loved, cherished and wanted and other children who deserve exactly the same as her (like i was as a child) are just given the worst hand of cards in life. I have the space in my home, the stability in our lives and definitely the love in our hearts to give a child that sense of unconditional love that they so deserve.

My husband recently after years of discussions came on board and thinks it is the right time.

Id like to have a permanent foster placement with potentially adopting further down the line, the money from fostering would allow me to give the child an even better life in terms of holidays/experiences but i would treat the child as if they were my own and absolutely wouldnt be for the money but being paid for it would allow me to stay at home with the kids and dedicate all my time and energy to being a mum.

Things im worried about are- my past employment in the gentlemans club, i suffer from anxiety as a result of my childhood which is medicated (200mg sertraline daily) i feel absolutely fine and stable, we have 3 small well behaved dogs (would this be a problem?) and i dont have much family support.. NC with both parents because of abusive childhood and siblings live abroad although great relationships and always in contact, i have a fantastic network of friends and good relationship with in laws who are always on hand to help.

You posted this yesterday. Didn't you get the answers you wanted?

@Sparklfairy she was advised by many people to post on this board, which I presume is why she has done so.

@anxywait you definitely need to be completely open and honest about this part of your life - they’ll want to know all about the job, the impact on you (good and/or bad) and your views on different areas of the sex trade.

There’s absolutely no way you’d progress through the assessment without discussing it in depth. But it’s not necessarily a reason to stop you being a foster carer.

Is your husband fully on board now? Or just kind of agreeing to go along with it for you? Because he’ll need to be fully assessed alongside you and show that he is completely on board.

I would consider carefully when is the right time to do it.... your child is only 5 and may really struggle with the impact of fostering. I would strongly suggest waiting until they’re a lot older.

There’s a lot to consider about raising a foster child alongside a birth child.... you will be expected to have many house rules such as no children in your bed and I know that my 5 year older would struggle with that as she loves weekend cuddles & tv in our bed.
Also you say your child will go to private school, so consider how a foster child may experience it if your child goes off to private school every day but they don’t.... it could be very hard for them.

All this would be explored in your assessment of course but it’s good to start thinking about it beforehand.

Agree with everything Gillian has said.
There’s no way I would bring a foster child in if my child was 5.
When the Sw does the assessment they need to know all of your work history. They need to do this to ensure there are no gaps.
I’m sorry, I’ve no idea if your past employment will stop you from fostering. There’s no hard and fast rules, it can be dependant on Sw and their superiors
Although you say you want a long term placement you should be aware that the child may have very strong links to their family, they may have lots of contact with parents/grandparents/ siblings so they will may never be fully ‘your’ child. Not all children on long term placements become available for adoption.
In a nutshell, you won’t know if you will pass until you try but if I were you I would enjoy your own child for a few years, read the other thread about the birth child not coping with the foster child and the replies and you will see that it doesn’t always go to plan.