Can’t cope anymore

[Newfosterer]

I’m a brand new foster parent to 3 relatives. They were removed last week and we had a same day approval under regulation 24, now need to complete the full process in the next 16 weeks.

It’s been less than a week and I’m not coping at all. We had no notice whatsoever it was court hearing and and off to collect them straight after.

All the children have additional needs. One is extremely violent and has injured the others multiple times. I have my own 2 children also. I have to get 5 children to 5 different schools every day.

It’s non stop. I haven’t eaten in 2 days. I haven’t showered. It’s at least midnight before I finally get them all asleep as they will not stay in bed, they swear at me, one hits me. Then we have to get up at 6am to do the long school run.

No one has managed homework. No one has managed reading books. My child fell asleep in school today after being kept awake most of the night. I’ve spent £1000 in a week, thankfully all on the credit card as they arrived with nothing but the clothes they were wearing. Every night I have to set up a blow up bed in the living room and put it away in the morning as I’ve had to give my bedroom up to fit them all in.

We’re not trained for this, we didn’t plan for this. I’m off work right now and not coping, what happens when I have to go back?

The social worker has suggested moving 1 or 2 elsewhere but there is no other family to step up so it would mean a foster home. How am I supposed to pick who I keep. How could I ever explain that to them! The mother of the children keeps calling me selfish for struggling and saying I don’t love the kids if I don’t keep them all but this can’t continue.

@Newfosterer

I'm going to hazard a guess that the 3 kids are your sisters kids however that's not important right.

Firstly ignore the mother;she has no room to talk.

Secondly;what an absolute shitshow you've been dropped in.

What are the social services doing to help you?

1.Ask for School transport to be provided.If their SEN then you should be entitled
2.Ask thé social worker if there are any grants available to help
3.Have you been offered a support worker or respite care?
4.There are online courses available to teach you coping strategies and to help manage their behaviour
5.Can you seek support from the kids schools?

Hugs OP what a shitty situation. But it’s still a new situation so be kind to yourself.

Definitely look into school transport as a matter of urgency, if kids aren’t entitled outright call your SW and ask for help with it. It’s not sustainable what you’re doing.

Definitely ask your SW about money, child benefit, pip etc as although I’m sure you don’t grudge the kids anything it’s still an added pressure you can do without.

Using kinship carers saves local authorities a shit ton of money so don’t be shy about demanding support, yes you’re looking after your family but you’re also saving the SW dept a load of hassle and they know it. They’d rather keep the kids with you, remember that, they will support you if you ask.

And depending on circumstances kids mother should perhaps not be contacting you.

Take no notice of the mother; she has off-loaded her responsibility for her children, so she doesn't get an opinion on what you should/shouldn't do.
And please don't feel guilty if you decide you can't manage; you have your own children to consider and this doesn't sound good for them longterm. Would it be possible for the three to be fostered together, with regular visits and contact with you?

You're doing an amazing job. Things will settle and in the mean time demand help and support from ss - as a pp says youre saving them a huge amount of money and hassle so they need to give you all the help you need. You should 100% get school transport and you probably need some kind of respite care especially for the one who's violent. Ignore the mother she doesnt have a leg to stand on and if she is making things worse I would stop contact with her. You're doing something absolutely incredible and should be getting nothing but support and praise not grief.

An emergency foster placement would probably be a good option so that everyone can draw breath and proper arrangements and support put in place. You will then become a priority for the social worker. At present you are not because thekids are safe, warm, fed and you are not costing the LA money or resources. Your number one priority is your own family and nobody is going to benefit from you breaking down under pressure. Kinship carers are routinely exploited by being promised support which doesnt materialise. Take an early stand. The longer you leave things the less likely you will get the support you need. For example you need taxis to collect and bring home the kids from school. Finally I am guessing your decision was made in haste under enormous guilt pressure. Well done for stepping up but that doesnt mean it is sustainable. You need to chnage things fast.

Thank you everyone.

Decision was made really quickly. We found at at 10am it was going to court next week. Mum then threatened to abduct children so it went to court at 2pm and we had to go and collect from school at 3pm. It was very much panic stations.

When I say additional needs I don’t mean SEN but they are all traumatised children who have been abused and are showing the effects of that.

A fostering placement for them all together is not possible I have been told due to the age range and the fact they are high needs children who don’t get along. There has also been some sibling abuse so it isn’t deemed appropriate long term.

I have had a long chat with the children’s social worker today and she has suggested that the aggressive one goes to a specialist residential care placement, the teen one goes to foster and the other stays with us. This feels like we are ‘choosing’ between them though and I know they will be heartbroken that they can’t stay with me so I don’t know what to do.

Part of me thinks taking none is fairer but then isn’t it better that we help 1 then none?

You need to tell the SW loudly and clearly that you are not coping. Family is not always the best for some children who have been removed from their birth families. Some need really intense one to one reparative parenting. It doesn't mean you are not a good parent to your own children but these children sound emotionally damaged and you are too close to them to give them the care they need. Please seek support. You are not doing yourself or any of the children any favours trying to struggle on.

As a former social worker/counselor and a former foster mother, I say Take The Advice Of Your Social Worker. Family placement isn't always best.
You say these are traumatized children. They need special care. If they came to you with broken legs, would you set the bones or get them to a doctor? Emotional breakage is the same -- it needs special help.
Let the SW do the placements. Focus on the youngest child, enfolding him/her with love and support within your family. Ignore your sister and other members of your family. It is better to succeed with one than to fail with three.

Thank you @GeorgiaGirl52 that has really hit home, you are absolutely right. Succeeding with one is the better option. The youngest is the same age as my child and they are very close which is why it was suggested that was the better option. I think we will take that option and ask for regular contact with the others. They said they will put sibling contact into place anyway so at least we can ensure we see them all and stay part of their lives.

Mum is unlikely to get the children back. It’s under interim care order so not long term as present but knowing mum well I sadly can see only one outcome. We could cope if mum was likely to get her act together and have them back but realistically we are likely expecting this to be permanent.

@Newfosterer if I can give my thoughts, from the perspective of a child in sibling foster care, many —many— years ago!

I have around 12 half siblings and 3 full. We all were subject to care orders pretty much from birth and lived in a majority of foster placements. The majority of us were in single placements as sw couldn’t find carers who would take more than one - except for my sister and I. We were kept together from being toddlers until early teens, and I can honestly say I wish they’d split us. We each had our own needs, but as my sister was more dominate more often than not it was her needs that were deemed important. It was only when I was 14 that I finally found my voice and actually insisted on moving into a residential placements - which suited my needs more than a family placement.

However, my sisters foster carers were excellent at encouraging us to stay in touch, even when they moved 300 miles away. I only had very sporadic contact (think 2-3 times in 18 years) with another three of my siblings, and none with the rest.

What my —essay— post is trying to say is please don’t feel guilty if you decide on separate placements- it definitely sounds like it could be a good idea in your case

Oh, strike out fail

sounds like a good resolution. Good luck.