Foster process query

[MJ1995]

Hi! Hoping someone can maybe help me... Myself and my partner are currently going through the fostering process to become foster carers. We have had a few visits and on our latest our sw discussed her concerns with us.
Firstly we do not have any child experience as we do not have our own, have never worked with children and our friends are either older with grown up children or younger and not ready to have their own kids yet. We do have someone who is happy for us to look after her little boy so thankfully we will be getting some experience but I dont know if itll be enough? We have tried many places but with the current COVID pandemic its becoming hard to find places who can take us due to their own staff not currently working.

Secondly our social worker advised shes a bit worried about my own past, I grew up with a mother with mental illness and substance abuse and a few years ago had to cut all contact due to her becoming increasingly more unstable and refusing help, I am very open about my childhood as are my sisters because we know it was not our fault but the sw keeps saying she sees a vulnerability there as I was bullied at home but also recently left my job because I was being bullied by a manager (for 5 years I was being bullied for but this year felt enough was enough) anyways! She thinks Ive put all of my trauma in a box and sees vulnerability that might be a problem if Im fostering... I have dealt with my past and can openly talk about it I dont get upset infront of strangers instead il get upset after when Im in a safe environment with my husband or family or friends... I think I just need to know has anyone else had a sw worry because they had trauma in the past? I dont get upset with my past as Ive accepted it was how it was and nothing can change this, I only get upset when a past that I had no control over still stops me from living a life that people who have no recieved trauma... had anyone got any advice? I feel like my childhood has made me resilient as I never just give up I always do my best for everyone I think the fact I was bullied shows that esp when I went to my job every day for five years but she sees that as a negative...

The good side is she has said our home is suitable, our course work is better than alot of carers she works with, We do so much of our own research, our pets are all loving and safe and my husband is "safe" as he had a loving secure upbringing. I know even though I have a colourful past it was never my own doing but from that I have a great relationship with my sisters and husband and live a very full and happy life... any advice would be appreciated!!

Hi. Just thought I'd give you our side of fostering. We were approved over 2 years ago and both my partner and myself have had interesting families - parents who drank and fought, alcoholic and addict siblings. It all adds to your life experiences. Our SW was brilliant and said we would have empathy with families who were drinkers and would understand how difficult their lives are and the reason their children are in care. As long as you are honest and open about everything. Good luck

Just hearing about other people is a great help! Our SW at the moment feels my history is a vulnerability but I dont have contact with most of my family because of the past but its something I have dealt with and hasnt affected my life for a few years and have dealt with everything from the past so I dont know what shes seeing that no one else does! Just felt a bit deflated after our visit because everything else is suitable apart from my past which was outwith my control... I am very open and honest about everything. Part of me thinks the fact im young as well shes struggling to see that Ive been able to cope with the cards Ive been dealt! Its just good hearing other people didnt have problems due to family history!

I understand exactly how you are feeling. My partner went through domestic abuse as a child and there job is to make sure there isn't any long term damaging effects of it.

Even though you know it isn't personal, when someone is picking apart your life, it feels like it is. It wasn't my partners fault and naturally it has lasting damaging effects, so to be questioned on that also seems unfair.

They pick at everything, even going through every bank statement we had because I put a £5 bet on occasionally when out with my friends watching the football (maybe 5 times a year).

However please do not give up on the process. It is better this way than they let anyone foster. If violence to children had become normalised for my partner, we wouldn't have been suitable. Equally if I had a gambling addiction and could spend the money for a foster child on it, I wouldn't have been suitable either. They have to check everything to make sure the children are safe.

The process doesn't last long and the panel meeting/approval is nothing like this and very friendly. Once you are approved you work very closely with social services in fixing everyone else's problems and it is a completely different relationship. There are no more intrusive questions and you get to see what a difficult job they have.

We have been approved for a while now and the approval process made me question if it was right for us so many times, but I'm so glad we kept going. We got approved by everyone at panel in just a few minutes and at out annual review a year later was told we were doing an amazing job and a credit to the role. More importantly we have changed children's lives for the better, including using my wife's experience of domestic violence to get a foster child through the same thing.

Second that Tacco. Don't let it put you off because fostering is amazing and when you see the difference you make to a child it is all worth it. The whole process is very intrusive but we actually enjoyed it all!!! It was like a free counselling session!! And don't worry about Panel - I was terrified but they made you feel at home and they were all lovely.

She's seeing that your childhood experiences can be a trigger when you are in the thick of fostering. Children come into foster care with a huge range of problems and if you have experienced similar yourself it can be very difficult (I am a foster parent and I had an abusive childhood) so the social worker is right really push this during the approval process. It is worth sticking at the process, good luck.

Thanks everyone! I knew this process was really intrusive and Im more than able to speak about my past but our sw kept saying she thinks my past has been put in a box and not dealt with (we havent actually spoken anout my past in any detail as she hasnt read my information form) simply because I call my parents by their names and not mum and dad and its frustrating me as I know my past is dealt with as do everyone who knows me, When everything came to a head it took alot of support from my husband, family and friends for me and my sisters to start to open up and actually talk about what we went through. Now we can talk about it very openly as we know it was not our own doing and even the bad memories we can make jokes about. I know a child and fostering could trigger previous experience we done alot of research before we even applied for fostering. I just dont know what shes seeing when we havent spoken about it. I have never let the past affect my life even during the time I was at school I was a top student, My sisters and I never had a wild phase, went out and got a job before we finished school and I stayed in that job for 9 years until I decided to leave this year because of the situation with the manager. But she sees that as a link to my childhood trauma the fact I stayed there when being bullied for five years but I was resilient and wouldnt let it affect me the only reason it finally did this year was because after the manager cornered me in an area with no witnesses or cameras I finally felt unsafe and if he was doing this what else was he capable of doing in a place where I often work in an office alone early in the morning so I raised a grievance which came back "he said she said" as there was no proof even then I felt I would just keep my head down and power on but this year I was taken in for a grievance from that manager for raising a grievance against him (this manager has been to 6 tribunals in the last year and a half all for bullying) When I told the company they could not raise a grievance against me because I raised one against him (and my husband who is a manager who once worked with this guy before he left the company because he didnt like their bullying tactics told me that it was ridiculous a manager was even raising a grievance against a member of staff lower than him) the reason I decided to leave was because I felt the company were not supporting me so not the actual bullying itself. If that grievance had not come I would probably still be there to this day Since I lefr the companies CEO has also been taken to a tribunal for bullying so its very well known it is a bullying company and has happened to many people not just myself who has previous childhood trauma... but surely the fact I never missed a days work during the 5 years of work bullying shows I can manage during a stressful situation?

Ive also managed to use my past to stop someone from suicide someone who is older than me but has a very similar childhood experience and is now one of my best support networks as I have helped him go through and deal with his own trauma, When he was off sick with his mental health I was the person who was there every step even when his wife and family just left him, I also supported him when his wife and children up and left him because of his health so I know I can use my past to help....

Thanks everyone I wont give up im going to keep going, I knew my past would need to be thoroughly checked out but I got really worried that it was going to stop me from being able to do something I really want to do especially when she said everything else is perfect and our course work is better than they have seen for a long time

The thing to show is that you have learned from your experience, and know yourself and how to cope.

One worry is that you will be preprogrammed to see things in a particular way (it's the boy's fault). Another would be that you are retraumatised by the childrens' trauma. You may feel bullied by the child or their parents, or be unable to separate their trauma from your own. You need to be quite self aware to separate yourself and recognise when your feelings are actually not your own or are a reflection of the child's.

Take it slow. Take plenty of time off between placements so you can reflect.
Good luck!

I can understand why the SW is concerned, I have witnessed carers who believed that their past had been resolved and in reality living with a dc with specific issues triggered significant unexpected mental health issues and the placement breakdown.
The carer has not expected it at all, it had a huge impact on the dc.
It does happen sometimes.

Thanks guys, Im very self aware thankfully and for example I never get angry or just lose it even in circumstances where people without trauma would. There is a part of my brain when something bothers me that asks "Am I over reacting like my mum would? Or is this a genuine reason to be annoyed" and normally when that happens I dont react I normally speak to one of my sisters explain the problem and they will tell me if Im over reacting or not, IF i am (we all have our moments) they let me moan how annoying it is and thats it but if they tell me im not over reacting by the time weve discussed it I can tackle the problem calm and level headed.

I know they have to check everything and have concerns but I dont know why the sw has come to this conclusion when we havent actually talked about my past in any detail shes just heard bits then told me she thinks I haven't dealt with it which is frustrating me as even when Ive been under alot of stress it hasnt affected my mental health or my life.

My husband also didnt like the fact she said he was a safe choice for fostering when he has never dealt with a child let alone one with trauma, He even admits to our sw itll take a while for him to relate to a child with trauma as even when he witnessed my trauma it took a long time for him to understand how I was still fully functioning and making sure it didnt affect anyone else (if that makes sense)

I have told her if I felt I was being bullied or under stress It wouldnt affect my ability to care but I would speak to her in the first instance and ensure I keep it in my notes!

I know past trauma can cause problems with placements but for all the research Ive done I know a lot of people who have no had previous trauma struggle with fostering and can result in a breakdown as they cant understand or relate to the child....