Kinship care situation

[purplechairandcat]

Apologies, I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this. This is a long one!

I've been supporting a friend over the last few years, let's call her A. A is incredibly vulnerable and has relied quite a lot on the support of myself and social work.

A gave birth to her first child a few years ago. They both lived with me for the first month of baby's life and then moved out together with A's partner (baby's daddy). They lasted two months before baby being taken into kinship and being looked after by A's mum. Less than a year later, baby had passed away in kinship- I'm not going to delve into that because the details are horrible, but suffice to say it was the end of A having any family contact.

Fast forward to now. A is heavily pregnant. Has no family support on her side, partner (same partner) is on remand in jail for a violent crime and A refuses to speak to her partner's family because of issues in the past. A has other friends however they are very unstable themselves and I would probably be classified as her most stable and longest friend.

I have been supporting A through emotionally, financially and practically for years but really have stepped it up when she got pregnant again because she needed it. Social Work identified me as a place she could stay on weekends so that she has a regular contact with a safe person other than social work, as well as potential respite if needed. There was also talk of me being 'The Person' that does Kinship if it all goes wrong again.

Last night A decided she no longer wants me involved. This is due to social work knowing who I am- I think that scared her. Since then I've been up worrying about what happens next. Who will support her? If it goes wrong will baby go into foster care rather than kinship? Given I'm a friend rather than family I'm not really expecting to hear from social work again. Will they be ok? I am really really worried about them both and could do with some reassurance.

As a side-note I'm also feeling pretty upset and used, however I understand her reaction and I'm dealing with my own feelings on this.

Try not to feel used. She's dealing with some difficult things and I think the idea that they may place her baby with you will cause all sorts of mixed feelings in her. She may (wrongly) believe that if she cuts you out she will get to keep baby.

I was assessed as kinship carer for family members two children and known it brings up a lot of stuff.

Stay available in case she needs you. As they have your details on file
Social care may still ask you to do an assessment. They really do try and keep children in the family and if it comes down to her baby staying with you and her having contract or being adopted she may change her tune.

The thing you need to consider is that it's basically a life long commitment to the child akin to adopting. Is that something you're up for

Thank you @stillfeelingmad, I really appreciate the reply.

Yeah I agree on trying not to feel used- I more mentioned it at the end in case someone asked how I was actually coping with the situation. But I am working through it.

I think that she really does think if she cuts me out she'll get to keep the baby. But that's not how it works

I'll stay available thank you. Social work have my details if they need to contact me. As we are not family though I'm not expecting to be contacted? Or is this incorrect?

Yes we are absolutely up for whatever comes our way. My partner and I moved to a larger place solely because of this situation, I wanted to be the best support possible in the way she needed me. I would do kinship in a heartbeat if it meant the baby was safe.

They know you're a a safe person and they may still conduct an assessment depending on what's going on for her and what she says abojt the reasons you're not speaking.

During the time I was assessed family member briefly tried to discredit me, I believe with the same idea about it meaning they would just leave the kids with her but social services saw through it.
Happily in my case she really worked with them and two kids remained at home with mum which was of course best option.

The one thing I would say is that if you end up with baby in your care you essentially have to choose between baby and your friend.
She will likely only be allowed certain amounts of contact, limited to ensure child feels safe and settled with you. The contact may be supervised especially if she remains with violent partner.

If she asked you for extra contact on the side you would need to say no and likely strain your friendship, you would probably be able to support her personally a lot less. Just something to consider

@stillfeelingmad

Ok thank you this is helpful to know.
Yes ultimately I really hope it works out between them both. With partner in jail maybe there is hope- last baby was taken away primarily because of their relationship. She does plan to stay with him though and live with him if he gets released which is concerning and doesn't fill me with hope as you may imagine.

Yeah, I would expect the friendship to become incredibly strained if full-time kinship ever happened. The whole situation is stressful!

You’ve been through a lot with your friend and you sound like an amazing support. I hope you have some support for you too.

I’m an adoptive mum. As PPs have said, she may well think she’ll get to keep the baby if she cuts alternatives out of her life (which isn’t the case, obviously).

I think it would be absolutely fair enough for you to contact SS and ask if you’re still in the frame as a potential carer for this baby. They’re so busy that they’re sometimes just not that great at communicating and you have to give them a nudge along. Do you have the details?

I think there are some kinship carers/people with SGOs on the adoption board (under Becoming a Parent) so you could try posting there too.

@Rainallnight thank you so much. I have some support and if I end up being kept in the situation I'm going to invest in some therapy. The last 8 months have been really hard on me- not to make it about me but it has.

Okay thank you, I'll give contacting social work some more thought- what's holding me back is the fact that I'm friend not family. I have direct contact with a couple of her workers.

Thanks, I'll have a look at the adoption board.