Failing SGO

[5toomany]

I really need help. We have had an SGO for my husbands grandson for over 2 years. I don't think I can carry on any more. He suffers from attachment disorder. He's 7. I already have 4 children, ages 5, 8, 10 and 11. We have had no help whatsoever from any family members, no training, no support and no respite from social services. He threatens to stab my children, stab me. Says he wishes my kids would die in a car accident or get run over so he could have a party 😭 He is in the same class as my 8 year old, but my son is dyslexic whereas my foster child is classed as gifted. He is constantly laughing at my son's attempts at reading and writing. We are home schooling due to lockdown so this is very very difficult. I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown or taking my own life. I've told social services how difficult I'm finding it many many times, all the offered was a bundle of paper thrust in my face listing training courses. We have been on several courses over the years, the most recent was how to deal with violent foster children. His mum is a crack addict, his dad killed himself in prison where he was in for murder. The school , when I've told them how difficult he is, simply say ' ahh hes so lovely, you can't let him down' I'm losing my mind. I can't take any more. I know it's not his fault, I know that. But all he talks about is how amazing his nan is (she's seen him 5 times in 2 years) he criticizes our home, not big enough, our garden, complains if I give them the same meal twice in a week. It's like living with a little dictator and I'm drowning

You're very brave for admitting how this is impacting on you. What does your DH say about all this? I would be banging in the door of social services and be asking them for respite care to be implemented. Tell them that the situation is untenable and unless they provide practical support the child will have to go into foster care.
It's incredibly hard on the child, but it's also hard on your own children. He sounds like he needs a placement with no other children, so that he can get the support and attention he really needs.

Thank you for replying Soontobe60.

It;s clearly not working. Its not a good match. What you did in taking this child into your home and your family unit was a wonderful thing but its not working and it sounds as if there is every chnace that a good match could be found with foster carers. Start the process asap. This week a group of siblings who were with family on anSGO for nearly three years arrived with us for a long term placement. Looks to be a good match and the pressure is off the previous family who were suffering under the strain. This is no time for misplaced guilt, it's a time for good decisions for everyone in the household. Good luck.

Thank you for replying. We have told social services that he will have to go into foster care but they said that there are no homes available. We were promised a loft conversion when we took him on as we didn't have the room, this never happened. My 5 year old now lives in my bedroom. I feel like this was doomed from the start by the total lack of support from social services ☹ He has an older brother who lives with his paternal grandparents (his dad died too) there is resentment from them as we dont allow our foster son to visit their home-they have gun trafficking charges against them 🙄 Mum went on to have another baby during this 2 years and he has been adopted. It's all such a mess. I was adopted as a child and it's brought so much pain up for me, I can't see a way out

How are you doing now OP?

This sounds incredibly hard. I hear so many stories of social services just failing to provide any support once a child is placed, and relying on the goodwill of the foster parents to make it work.

Does he have any SEN support at school? Attachment disorders can cause huge support needs. It sounds as though he needs significant social and emotional support which he might not be getting because he is academically gifted.

If you haven't already seen it, try the SEND VCB Project: www.facebook.com/TheSENDVCBProject/

and their support group: www.facebook.com/groups/SENDVCBProjFamilies/

Social services won't do much unless they really have no option. Try the magic phrase "the placement has broken down" and point out that if you leave the child at a police station they will have an obligation to find a home for him. Tell them that if you do not have contact and immediate support you will have no option but to do this for the wellbeing of the whole family.

Hi, well we've come to the decision that we cannot go on. We've told social services that he will have to go into foster care. They made all the right noises and gave us the impression that things would move quite quickly, but now we cant actually get hold of anyone, straight to answer machine 🤦‍♀️ We will keep trying obviously. Think I needed to get to the point where it was black and white, before now I've been up and down over the decision. It's a relief to finally know it's the right thing, for him as much as us. Thursday in this house is dedicated to him, each child has their day, his behaviour is wonderful on a Thursday, which shows me that it's the one on one attention that he needs, which I simply can't provide. Thank you all for your sympathetic ears and your advice 😘

Hi OP, just wanted to reach out and check how you and your family are getting on? It’s clear how difficult your journey has been. Well done for being able to process your situation and make a decision that is obviously a very difficult one. I hope that you got the responses from the local authority that you needed.

The timing is good. There are a huge amount of "empty" foster homes at the moment caused by the current situation whereby schools are not making referrals as so many children aren't at school. Ironically vulnerable children are less likely to attend at present.

Hi, well on 15th of May we made an emergency call to social services asking them to remove him that day. They said there was no place for him but they would ask his brothers guardians to take him. They agreed, he has been there for 6 weeks. They initially agreed to keep him long term but they have been struggling. The grandmother has been crying every day because she can't cope with his behaviour. Social services still say that he would be better with family 🤷‍♀️ We have filled in paperwork to go back to court to dissolve SGO, but where he will end up is still not definite. It's a mess ☹