Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Fostering

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on fostering.

Original poster

I grew up in Foster care - ask me anything

76 replies

NoYoyoToday · 26/09/2019 22:36

I was removed from my birth family as a pre-teen. I spent the next 8 years bouncing round the care system. I had lots of different families, placements and experiences. Some good and some not great. I'm now an adult in my 20s. Ask me anything and I'll try and answer it (as long as its not too personal or likely to out me). I'm doing this in the hope that it might allow some of you to see your foster children in a different light and perhaps explain a few things that might not otherwise make sense.

OP posts:
Mrschainsawuk · 01/10/2019 16:57

I think it's going to be hard when my child starts asking about my side of the family as no idea what to tell him I don't even know where they are not seen them in over 18 years

TrainspottingWelsh · 01/10/2019 20:46

mrschainsaw I know it unfortunately isn't unusual, but it's so sad that you feel you didn't fit into their lives, when imo any parent should be coming at it from the point of fitting in with the child's life, even more so when it's a foster child that needs more support, not less.

Mrschainsawuk · 01/10/2019 20:57

My first foster carer I never wanted to leave but I had no choice and neither did she that placement was the best foster placement I had she had 11 foster kids over the years and I will never forget her we ostrich touch 14 years ago. I think I always compared foster family's to her and looking back didn't give them a chance to love me. I was a very hard teen to deal with at the start I hated rules ect

themouldneverbotheredmeanyway · 01/10/2019 21:14

If the problems in your birth family were present from early on, would you have rather be taken into care earlier at an age likely to be adopted? Do you think social services have the balance right between trying to support kids staying with their birth parents and removing kids before they suffer harm and when they might be adopted?

Sorry if too personal.

lostonadustyrock · 01/10/2019 21:15

Thank you for posting this thread.

Fostering is something I've considered. Unfortunately for now it isn't viable - we're not in the UK - but we're hopeful that when we return, having lived abroad won't stop us from being considered.

When you moved to a new foster carer, did you move long distances? Sorry if that's been covered, my wifi is playing up so its hard to check back over the thread.

I'm sorry you were moved at short notice, that must have been so disconcerting as a child and teenager.

Mrschainsawuk · 01/10/2019 21:44

Ss got involved a year before I was removed after I kept running away from home walked 15 miles in socks from my mams to my dad's late at night I told police I didn't want to go home but I was still taken home. If I was removed ear lier the worse abuse would not have happened.
Normally foster placements were close to each other one was 20 miles away

cygnus1000 · 05/10/2019 22:09

Thank for your thread. It has been very informative, and it's really nice to hear good things in regard to people's experiences with foster care.

@NoYoyoToday May I ask, what were you like as a child, and what are you like today? What is your MBTI type, if you know it?

Looking back, what type of family do you think would have been a good match for you?

@Mrschainsawuk Feel free to answer the same questions :-)

Thanks again

6OfUsAndCounting · 10/10/2019 09:41

Could you tell us about something foster carers did that made you feel special?

6OfUsAndCounting · 10/10/2019 09:42

Do you have any tips for making the foster home or the foster kids room more welcoming?

sparkly40 · 10/10/2019 18:34

I am a foster carer and have followed this with interest I'd just like to share that each time a young person has left my home they've taken a bit of my heart with them x

I'm not on it for the money I think it works out as £2 per hour.

I'm with an independent agency and there quite good.

I've been doing this for eight year and have had my present kids for 3.5 years .

Original poster
NoYoyoToday · 10/10/2019 23:54

@ThighThighOfthigh

I can't really give an opinion on children's homes because I never lived in one. But what I will say is that their are very few (if any) of the stereotypical large children's homes left in England. The majority have been replaced with smaller residential units (usually standard houses on ordinary streets) that house small groups of 2, 3 or 4 children who either can't manage the demands of being fostered (sometimes it's very hard to manage living with a bunch of strange people when you've lost your own family) are unable to be placed in a Foster family (for whatever reason) or simply prefer residential care. Usually these placements are short term whilst the kids receive help and support to allow them to move onto a longer term placement. Obviously these homes are staffed 24/7

OP posts:
Original poster
NoYoyoToday · 11/10/2019 00:02

@Cassimin

Thank you for everything you have done and still do for your FC. I think the majority of Foster carers are amazing people are you (and your family) are definitely one of them

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 11/10/2019 00:16

I was fostered and now foster myself, I currently have a very young child and I waited until my birth children had grown up before I set out on the fostering path. Our little one has a home here as long as they need it, they are a part of our family but I hope they eventually move on to a loving family as I will be well into my 60s by the time the child is secondary school age. My experience as a fostered child back in the 1960s wasn't great and I hope the system, although not perfect, is better than it was. I don't know how to know if I am a doing a good job. Is it wrong to foster knowing we won't be the forever home?

Original poster
NoYoyoToday · 11/10/2019 00:19

@themouldneverbotheredmeanyway

That's another difficult question. But I think I would have been far more distressed if I'd been removed at a younger age and not understood what was happening. Despite the difficult circumstances, I was really clingy and attached to my birth mother when I was young. I can't even begin to imagine the distress it would have caused me to be taken away, told I wasn't going to see her again and then adopted. Obviously things (and our relationship) had totally changed by the time I was eventually taken into care.

As for getting the balance right - in my case I think they gave my birth family too many chances. To the point thar both myself and my siblings suffered.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoYoyoToday · 11/10/2019 00:27

@lostonadustyrock

No. I was lucky that I was able to stay roughly in the same area whilst I was in foster care. I had to move away as I got older and left foster care though and that wasn't easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoYoyoToday · 11/10/2019 00:37

@cygnus1000

I won't talk about my personality (then or now) in case I get outed.

But I didn't want a new family. I wanted a new Mum more than anything else in the world. I think (looking back now) that I needed to be with a single female carer. That or someone (a couple maybe?) who could spend time with me. Unfortunately I never got matched with that special carer

OP posts:
SunflowerSuit · 11/10/2019 00:39

When you knew you were about to leave school was it scary for you and what kind of support did you have or wish you had at that time?

cygnus1000 · 11/10/2019 00:40

That's fair enough. Thank you for your response, it has given me some food for thought.

cygnus1000 · 11/10/2019 00:41

Also, I'm really sorry that that didn't work out for you.

Original poster
NoYoyoToday · 11/10/2019 00:48

@sparkly40

Thank you on behalf of your Foster children. The stability (and everything else) you've given them is priceless and you should be so proud. They are lucky to have you

OP posts:
Original poster
NoYoyoToday · 11/10/2019 01:01

@bloodywhitecat

No it isn't wrong at all. Short term carers (like you) do just as important a job as long term carers. The only thing I would advise (depending on the age of your Foster child) is that you are very honest with them from the start that this isn't forever. In one case (I think I touched on it earlier in the thread) I wasn't told that it was only a short term placement. I only found out by chance after I'd been with them several months and it caused a lot of distress.

The other thing is please, please keep in touch with them if your Foster child wants to. I can't even begin to tell you how upsetting it is when someone you love or have become close to (like a foster carer) promises to keep in touch then doesn't bother

OP posts:
Original poster
NoYoyoToday · 11/10/2019 01:13

@SunflowerSuit

I was very scared about leaving school. The school had been my only source of stability whilst I was in care. Bad timing meant that I also moved to another set of carers that Summer. So I moved in with a new family and started college (for the first time) in the same week. In hindsight it was far too much to cope with and my behaviour and mental health went downhill very quickly. I was very unhappy and I hated it. I wanted to go back to school and back to my old carer's (even though I didn't really like them very much). I didn't tell anyone how I felt. I just bottled it up and then let it out as anger when I couldn't cope anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoYoyoToday · 11/10/2019 01:15

@SunflowerSuit

Posted too soon - I didn't really get a lot of support. I wish I had, maybe it would have helped

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 11/10/2019 01:18

@NoYoyoToday I absolutely intend to keep in touch. We do talk about moving on but it is difficult to do it in a way that a toddler understands, no questions are asked at the moment so I am trying to seek out children's books around fostering.

One of the first things I did was start a memory box, I have no photos/mementoes of my childhood and I want different for the children we foster.

ponytail84 · 16/10/2019 02:20

Hi all, reading with great interest.

I am a 35 year old single woman with quite a traumatic background. I lost two members of my immediate family (mother & brother) in distressing, separate circumstances. To be honest, I have felt I have been drifting for the last 5 years or so. I have had various unsatisfying jobs and I seem drawn to relationships where I feel needed and like I can ‘fix’ the people involved. I recently had my social work assessment and I worry I came across as emotionally quite unstable - the assessment meant I had to talk about my own past in lucid detail.

I am fortunate in so many ways - I have a lovely home, no mortgage, a dog cat and horses (I live on a small holding in the countryside)

I’d love to be able to be a mother figure for a young girl growing up but I worry about my emotional resilience and also wonder am I selfish for wanting this? I don’t have much of a support network myself, and I do worry I might inadvertently put my insecurities onto a FC. I don’t want to mess with the emotions of an already vulnerable person - but at the same time, I do think I have a lot to offer and I would be willing to work thru any issues. Like the child, I think I’d worry about being rejected or causing a negative impact.

I’ve found reading all your stories interesting, sad, and also see moments of joy. I can’t have biological children for health reasons - technically I could, but it would be high risk and seems selfish when there are kids out there that need safe homes.

My question to the two brave FC posters - do you feel your foster carers were selfish or egotistical for trying to be fosterers, or do you appreciate that they tried at all, even where they failed? Do you feel they put any of their negativity or negative qualities on to you, accidentally or otherwise?