I grew up in Foster care - ask me anything

[NoYoyoToday]

I was removed from my birth family as a pre-teen. I spent the next 8 years bouncing round the care system. I had lots of different families, placements and experiences. Some good and some not great. I'm now an adult in my 20s. Ask me anything and I'll try and answer it (as long as its not too personal or likely to out me). I'm doing this in the hope that it might allow some of you to see your foster children in a different light and perhaps explain a few things that might not otherwise make sense.

There's a bag company called Madlug who donate a bag to a foster child got every bag that is bought. It does backpacks, luggage etc. But I agree with deadringer you can get reasonably priced suitcases and it's a disgrace kids have to haul things around in bin liners.

I did buy myself a suitcase when I was 15 using my teenagers to work money I earned every holiday I did find that I never had any choices where I moved to I missed alot of school nearly a year and a half's worths

Not the same as moving between foster placements, but I adopted from foster car and we were told categorically not to use black bin bags to move stuff.

In fact to make sure we got it, as part of our training course, we had to bring in an item that was precious to us and tell the group why. The trainers then put all the items into a bin liner and pretended to throw it away.

So at the very least, some placing authorities have got that message and are acting on it.

Yes as a foster carer I can say that in our LA black bin bags are definitely not allowed. Madlug are brilliant. We have bought lovely bags from them knowing that we are also giving a bag to a child in care. Any carer can have free bags for their foster children.

I'm following this thread with interest.

Do you think some are just in it for the money ?

What is your life like now? Are you happy? Do you have a nice home, job etc? X

@silly248

I've been lucky enough to never meet any foster carers who I believed was just doing it for the money. Unfortunately I'm sure they're are some unscrupulous people out there. I once heard a story (via a third person) about some foster carers who bought their foster children nothing but a selection box for Christmas and proceeded to confine them (the Foster children) in their bedrooms on Christmas day so they could enjoy the day downstairs with their birth child. This was despite having received Christmas money to buy them gifts. I can't tell you if that story is true but unfortunately it wouldn't surprise me..

@SpecialKRocks223

Yes I have a home, a job and a future ahead of me. I count myself as one of the lucky ones

I had one set of foster carers who never bought me anything and I had to walk 5 miles to school every day as they did not give me any money .

I am also married with my own child and have my own business and no contact with any family on my side so also one of the lucky ones 3 ofor the kids in lived with last are in prison

What would have stopped you bouncing round homes? Not just things the carers could have done differently, but anything you think ss could have done differently.

Dp and I would like to foster preteens/ teens in the future, we would take a short term placement, but really we want to give a long term family and home, and everything that goes with it long into the future. Fostering rather than adopting purely because of the age group.

Also, do you think it would have been negative or positive to go into a home where the similarly aged birth dc had a very different life experience to yours? We're waiting till youngest dd has finished sixth form so we can concentrate entirely on supporting/ any problems a foster child will have, but to a lesser extent have pondered whether having dc similar in age but with very different life experiences could also make things harder for a teen. If that was to be the case we'd either wait so the age gap was bigger or limit the age to preteens.

We say preteen/ teen simply because they are least likely to get a permanent or even long term home. But because of that we aren't sure that any agencies opinion we get on how the child may feel about the difference will be entirely unbiased due to the limited placements available for older children.

Ss should really only move you if it's to a permanent place once you are into the system also I think it would have helped alot if I could have met them before they moved me in as it's overwhelming athe the time.

On the kids in liked living with other kids my age birth or foster I felt more normal and if it's a new area it helped me settle in better but remember if your own child is not happy with you fostering it's down hill from there I hated it when I was not treated as a normal kid just because I was in care one thing I would say is don't push for there history from them let them come to you trust is hard

NoYoyoToday I'm sorry that your foster care placements didn't work out that you could stay forever.

My first and only foster child we ended up adopting. She was 11 when she came to us after 8 foster places. We were told Alice (not her real name) had a lot of problems
and that's why she was moved from one family to another. No all she needed was safety, rules and lots of love. It took a while for Alice to settle but after 18 months she opened up and even if I say so myself she is part of the life in our family. We already had a son and daughter of similar age to Alice. They are all very close to each other.
This was 20 years ago.

That's brilliant I am happy you added to your family i was finally happy when I moved into a children's home I was 15 so spent the last 3 years of care there is was and am still close to most of the staff they are my family in all they are always at the end of the phone when I needed them I was the first kid to complete a college course from there and that is thanks to them

There is a child in foster care at a club where I volunteer, atm there is the possibility that they will move placements or return to birth family- is there anything we should be aware of to help them with this transition? I’m mindful of avoiding the standard “ask mummy/ daddy to do xyz when you get home”

Thank you for answering.

I'm thinking about doing voluntary work with children that are in care.
I have two children of my own but instead of having more I really want to offer what I can to children in care.
Fear is holding me back because although it's something I'm passionate about I'm worried that the kids are going to think I can't relate to them.
Would it have helped you if someone was around to be able to listen to you and support you/encourage you when you were going through this?
Thanks.

@TrainspottingWelsh

It's difficult to say because none of my placements broke down for the same reason. In the first placement (I'd been with them less than 3 months) it was mainly because they had a very young birth child and I couldn't cope with him. I'd never lived with a toddler or a young baby before and had no idea how to behave, interact with or react around him. I'd only just come into care, and it became obvious as my needs became more apparent that it wasn't going to be the right placement (for myself or the carers).

As for the rest - somebody else hit the nail on the head above that the best chance of success is careful matching with the right family. The bigger the pool of Foster carers, the more chance of getting it right on both sides. I'm not sure what else SS could have done in my case. I think I was just unlucky to never find that good match that could have changed everything.

As I said in a previous post - I lived in a placement where the FC's had two birth daughters who were similar in age to me but had very different life experiences. In that case it was a negative experience for me because we had very little in common. Both daughters became very jealous of the attention me and the other FC were getting from their parents and started to resent us because of it. In hindsight I think those carers should have waited until both of their daughters had grown up and moved on (like you've said you are intending to do so with your own dd). One idea that came up was possibly a support group for birth children of FC's. But never came of it (in that LA anyway). Maybe talking to other people in the same boat as them would have helped?

Good luck in your fostering journey if you choose to persue it. Do as much research as you can before applying and don't be afraid to ask questions

@Burlea

I'm so glad that things worked out for "Alice" and your family. Its good to hear a happy ending and just proves what I said in my last post that a good match can change everything for the better.

@Sardinesandmangochutney

I'm unsure from your post how old this child is and how much of their background you are aware of already. If you don't know why they were taken into care then please don't ask them. That was and still is my golden rule for meeting other foster kids and care leavers. It's the one the question that you don't ask unless they volunteer the information themselves. Otherwise a good, confidential listening ear is always helpful if they want to talk (about anything related to being in care)

@fluffynotebook

Absolutely go for it if its something that you want to do. I was lucky enough to have someone who didn't foster me or work for SS but I saw her regularly and could talk to her about anything. She was my rock when I was struggling, a shoulder to cry on and the Mum that I never really had. We're still close all these years later. I don't know where I'd be now if fate hadn't bought us together.

Thank you. To some extent dsd has some experiences from the earlier years in common. Without going into detail if dp had been an absent or weekend dad, the first half of her life would have been very different, and when it fell apart it would have been care, not living officially ft with us. Dd's entire life has been secure, but their different experiences have never been a problem, but I suspect that's because they've known each other most of their lives and have spent most of them as sisters.

I'm not remotely concerned about jealousy, more that if for example we had a teen that had violent rages, or had a crisis the night before dd had an exam, we don't want to be in the position that we can't both fully support the fc 24/7 when it's needed. Plus on a practical note, it wouldn't be right to eg let one go to whatever parties they like because we know they have the maturity to make the right decisions, and put the other through the fifth degree because we wouldn't have a history to judge on.

I so agree about finding a good match for the child though. The scarcity of homes was our initial motivation. And the lack of ongoing support as young adults.

I had an out side support person who would take me out once a week we are still close and she later had her own child who is brilliant and she also adopted a child.

I would love to foster myself but no space at the moment. Anyone can pm me and I will answer all questions I can about anything

The secondary school i went to had a large children's home in the catchment area and my mum worked there. I still know some of the boys 30 years later and they all say their happiest childhood memories are of the children's home.

Do you think children's homes are better than FC?

I really think it depends on the child is found it better I did not fit into my fc lives I felt like I was just taken from one family and was dumped on the next in the children's home I was close to alot of the staff in was more comfortable there that's why I helped to fight for it to remain open the council's keep trying to close them down due to funding

I am a foster carer and I have 1 child on a long term placement.
They came at the age of 4 and will stay with us until they chose to go, just like our birth children.
Luckily we are not dependent on the fostering income but a lot of cares are and they have no choice but to move the child on when they are no longer getting any financial support.
Our child has been diagnosed with autism and ADHD since they have been with us and sometimes it is very difficult. I get screamed at, hit and our home regularly gets trashed. Luckily I waited until my birth children were older to start fostering and they are able to understand these behaviours.
I am so sorry that you never found your forever home, but glad that you are doing well.
Hopefully our child will do as well as you have.