Tentatively looking into fostering

[minmooch]

My partner and I have been together for nearly two years. We now live together. Both have children 21 years and above, all left home. We are in our 50's.

We would both feel like we would like to 'give back' and my partner would like to look into fostering.

Whilst I think this is a wonderful thing to be able to do I have doubts about my abilities.

My eldest son died aged 18 from cancer nearly 5 years ago. I'm
Not sure if that alone would prevent us from fostering. I'm not sure I've recovered from the exhaustion of looking after my son and subsequent grief following his death.

I worry that as I was not able to 'save' my own son could I look after another child? Does my experience make me a better person to do this or not?

My mum died the following year and I looked after her during her short illness. My dad this year has had to go into a Care Home with dementia. I took on most of the responsibility of looking after him until he went in.

My partner wants to be less selfish (his words) and give back. As in he feels he has had a privileged life and wants to give back. His words less selfish are aimed at himself, not me, as he is aware of all I have been through and done. I want a year to be totally selfish and only think of us as I've had so much responsibility looking after others for the last 7 years.

We both work full time but could afford for me to give up work to stay at home.

We have three dogs. I don't know if that would preclude us from fostering.

I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or just getting my thoughts clear. My partner is not putting me under any pressure to do this. We would both like to give something back. I'm trying to explore whether I am ready or if there are other areas we could help.

I have told my partner to give us a year together with no added responsibility and then we will look into it. Yet I find myself researching and reading up.

Hi,

The process to become Foster Carers is very in depth and all of the life experiences you have mentioned would be explored in depth with you. At face value there is nothing there that should prevent you from fostering, I actually know several Foster Carers who have sadly lost birth children. Your dogs would have a ‘dog assessment’ but providing they are friendly and not a banned breed this shouldn’t be a barrier either.

You and your husband sound lovely. At the risk of putting you off I think you really need to think about your motivations. Whilst your altruism is to be applauded there are lots of ways to give back foster care is a profession, vocation and a life style it is something you have to really want to do.

I love fostering but it can be incredibly challenging. It turns your lives completely upside down and there is no ‘end of the day’ where you can go home an unwind. I would liken it in someways to having a new born, there is no way you can prepare, you don’t know if you will have an ‘easy baby’ or if you are in for a tough few years, there is a lot of joy but also a lot of hard work, you are shattered all the time, sometimes you and you’re partner feel more like coworkers than a couple! Obviously in most ways it is nothing like but given that you have had children I am trying to give you a flavour of the impact fostering has on your lives.

There are lots of types of fostering and I don’t know if you would consider respite foster care? This is where disabled children come and stay with you for a short break to have fun and give their families some rest from caring. Caring for disabled children has its own sets of joys akd challenges but this would be a way to give back but also giving you somebody time as a couple.

If fostercare is something that really interests you then go for it! Approach a LA or an agency and have a chat with them. It can take 8 months to get approved and longer to be matched so nothing happens terribly quickly.

All the best

I am sorry to hear of your recent losses, it sounds like it has been a challenging few years. Having a bereavement and life adversities will not exclude you from fostering. In many ways, it makes you a stronger person to manage many of the adversities that children in care suffer. This often includes trauma, abuse and loss. We need carers to understand this and drawing on their own experiences can only help.

That said, the assessment process is detailed and any agency will want to explore these issues further with you. Part of this is to ensure you have made sense of these losses and your life journey. Grief and loss is a personal journey and my advice is to make sure this is the right decision for you and your family before processing.

Perhaps some discussion with LA’s or IFA’s to get their view or even speak with a foster carer to get an idea of the role and how this may make you feel.

Good luck!

Sorry for your loss,
When we were going through assesment my father got sick.
We carried on with the assesment and the week after we passed panel he died, that was in the September, we had our first child placed in November.
Our youngest child was 13.
We are now in the same position as your family, in our 50s with grown up kids. I also looked after my Nan until she died.
We have a child with us, aged 10. With us long term.
If I were you I would take a couple of years out for yourselves, enjoy doing thing without the kids, take holidays then reasses in a couple of years.
The things you have experienced have given you patience and resilience, they would be seen as positives.
I just wish I would have had a bit more me time before we started.
I would also recommend respite and short term, maybe mother and baby as this would give you breaks so that you can still do your own thing.
Good luck.

Thank you all for your words.

I think I will take the year to have no responsibilities (other than to existing family members) and re-assess in a year.

If we do this I owe it to any child to be in the best place possible.

minmooch, I think that is a sensible decision and goes further to demonstrate that when you are ready, you will make great foster carers. Good Luck and best wishes, J