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Fostering

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on fostering.

Obtained emergency care and can't deal with it anymore!

17 replies

Bostiemom · 24/03/2017 19:46

First of all, let me begin by saying I can't explain every little thing because that would take me a couple days to write.

So, a little backstory on these two boys.
They are 11 and 5, currently.
2 years ago, their father (my brother) became incarcerated for 4 1/2 years. 2 years ago, their mother (brothers ex gf), who had the children in her primary care, became incarcerated and both lost full custody of the kids. They needed to go to family or the system, so they went to family. My mother. Who happens to be grammy.
Now, you would think that would work perfect. Negative.
Grammy has had a brain surgery and a grand mal seizure that has negatively impacted her life. She can barely take care of herself, let alone 2 children. I am only 23 and recently going through a divorce, I can't take care of 2 children either.
Now, on to the trouble here.
We don't want to give them up to the state, because this isn't their fault, but we're running out of options. The oldest boy is and has always, been trouble. He's constantly fighting with kids in school, being suspended, being kicked off the school bus. He has a bad attitude, and the mouth of a sailor. AT 11.
The 5 year old just doesn't listen at all. Everything we say goes in one year and out the other. But he isn't anywhere as bad at the 11 year old. YET.
There is a long history of drugs and violence from their parents. So, we know they are mentally ruined. But, we're at our wits end with providing care for this unruly and hateful child. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 24/03/2017 20:01

I'm so sorry. That's a tough situation. You may need to resign yourself to the fact that the parenting they need isn't possible within the family.

daisygirlmac · 24/03/2017 20:05

Mentally ruined? Unruly and hateful? OP I'm sure it's hard but they are just children who've had quite a shit life so far. If your family can't cope I hope you do get some help but it really isn't their fault

Bostiemom · 24/03/2017 20:47

Maybe those weren't quite the correct adjectives. But, these children have seen worse than we could ever imagine in their short lives. The oldest one was homeschooled for 2 years because he pushed a teacher, who was wheelchair bound, down a flight of steps after biting her. He broke a teachers nose with his lunch tray. He's tried to harm his brother, to the point of it being fatal. He's been caught doing horrendous things to the family pets. The list goes on. He's been in and out of therapy since he was little. I don't want him to go down the same path that his parents are, but at the same time, he's putting everyone at risk. I just don't think he understands that he's running out of people to help him. I do understand that he is acting on what he's been taught his entire life. But, where do you go after you've exhausted every possible option for them?
And, please, don't get me wrong. I love these kids more than anything. I really do. They have their moments of being the sweetest kids you will ever meet. But, those moments are gone in the blink of an eye.

OP posts:
Poorlybabysickday · 24/03/2017 20:50

He's fatally hurt his brother? He's killed him?

Atenco · 24/03/2017 20:56

Oh, that is so hard, OP. NO advice, but I just wish people wouldn't nitpicking about the words you are using, when what you want is some advice.

My dn was pretty awful in his early years, but in his case my dsis was able to get family therapy that worked.

picklemepopcorn · 24/03/2017 20:59

So the eldest has severe behavioural problems, likely caused by neglect/abuse/substance misuse in pregnancy. You are not qualified to help him. Only extremely experienced therapeutic foster carers in a suitable environment would be able to.
The second boy may be manageable, but again do not underestimate the level of trauma he has experienced. I would recommend leaving this to carers with experience and training.

picklemepopcorn · 24/03/2017 21:01

The five year old will be extremely challenging still, and may well benefit from being separated from his sibling.

LevantineHummus · 24/03/2017 21:08

Would it be terrible if they went into foster care? Would you still be able to see them? I'm just wondering if there was a way that they could get the proper care they need, but also get to see you guys at your best (I.e. Not frazzled by trying to take care of them full time)?

Bellebullerebelle · 24/03/2017 21:10

I think you would be doing both children a disservice to keep them. With the level of violence and aggression shown by the eldest he needs an experienced Carer, which you or your grandma aren't-either by illness or lack of experience. then again I couldn't guarantee they wouldn't have a succession of carers, worsening their mental health. If you do keep them you are both going to need a hell of a lot of help. In your shoes I would likely admit they needed more than I could provide and hope as looked after children they received substantial therapeutic input. Best of luck and well done for having already done so much for them both

flapjackfairy · 24/03/2017 21:14

You would still be able to have contact if they were in foster care if it was in their interests .
I agree that you need professional helnow
What are the boys soc workers recommending at this point?

Judbarian · 28/03/2017 22:05

They obviously need a level of care that you (like most people) cannot provide. That level of violence needs older, experienced foster parents who who know how to deal with them.

Mammytomany74 · 31/03/2017 18:30

I am really sorry to read this you are only 23 and going through a difficult period yourself. I agree with a lot of the other posts the best option would be fostercare and it might be better if they were separated as they both sound as if they need a lot of attention. It would be in their best interest to have contact with you and their Grammy as you are both positive influences in their lives. Please don't blame yourself this was the result of poor parenting all you have done is your best. I hope everything works out.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 31/03/2017 18:42

It sounds like the older child needs specialist therapeutic residential care, either in a therapeutic foster placement or therapeutic residential school. I assume he has an EHCP? If not, that is the route to go down. In theory Health, social care and education should work together in that process to find him the package of care and education that will help him heal.

The younger DC might then be able to manage in family or regular foster care.

HecateAntaia · 31/03/2017 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bostiemom · 31/03/2017 21:19

We have begun taking steps towards finding an open foster.
I'd like to take a minute and say thank you to every one of you for your feedback! It's greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
familyloveforever · 06/05/2017 20:34

I'm thinking separating them seems like it may be the best option for the 5year old to stand a chance. I think fostering for both looks like the best option with the hope they allow contact with the family if the ss agree. It must be such a hard decision but having their best interests at heart is what is needed. Good luck

Hulder · 06/05/2017 20:45

I think experienced foster care might be the best thing you ever did for them.

Through no fault of their own they have had a terrible start in life. Both of them need highly skilled help which although it's admirable you thought about taking them on, you don't have. They are both going to need a whole team of professionals around them to help them cope with the multiple traumas they have experienced in their lives.

Get Social Work involved and work with them as hard as you can.

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