Advice needed on entering fostering.

[featherandblack]

I would like to know if we are likely to stand a chance of being approved to foster. I'm going to put it all on the table. If anyone is kind enough to read it and share their knowledge I'd be so grateful!

DH and I are in our mid-thirties with children of four and 10 weeks. We rent a 4 bedroom house on a long-term basis. Our older child is home-schooled at the moment and doing well. DH is in a steady, good job and I'm a SAHM. DH works from home most of the time. We have fostered through the friends and family scheme in the past and it has gone well.

I am mildly disabled on a long-term basis and can't run or walk long distances. DH is hands-on and does a lot of the housework, leaving me free to focus on childcare. However, I do have to take medication at night so DH is in sole charge then for a 6/7 hour period. This isn't a problem for him at all. In the past, I've suffered from intermittent depression and anxiety. A decade ago, I was a voluntary inpatient in an open psychiatric unit for 12 weeks. My mental health hasn't been an issue for some years, apart from the very occasional 2mg diazapam - perhaps 6 in a year.

In terms of family support, I have siblings who are close but not nearby. No mother around but my father lives locally. We don't see my DH's family at all and haven't done for a number of years due to a long history of bullying behaviour and threats of violence. Recently, FIL managed to cut short some (up to that point, successful) overseas children's work that DH and I were engaged in by speaking to the project administrators and making some false but serious allegations about my mental health and the nature of the relationship between DH and I. Without the means to find out which story was correct, the administrators had no choice but to take appropriate safeguarding steps. Naturally, if social workers spoke to my PIL about our suitability to foster, there is no doubt that we would not be approved. This is complicated by the fact that my husband has a purely professional relationship with his father working together in a family business; technically, his father is his boss. To make matters more complex still, PIL foster some the teenage children of a friend and have been recently singled out for some kind of award. However, they live an hour away so we would be dealing with different social workers.

In terms of existing family support, there are siblings, cousins and aunts on my side who would be delighted to vouch for us and talk about their role in our lives. But we don't know if that would be enough.

Thank you so much to anyone who has got this far! We have been wanting to make a difference for some time and really enjoy working with children. We don't want to make an emotional investment in potentially being approved unless we have a good chance of making it. If approved, we are aware that we could only take children who are younger than our baby, who would probably be about a year if this goes ahead.

There are a lot of negatives in your post. Each one individually is unlikely to be a problem (apart from you will likely not be able to apply until your baby is 2) but taken all together would be an uphill struggle.

The medication and sole charge at night would be a problem I think the most. An unenlightened local authority is not going to get further than your mental health history.

You will be told if there are any issues early on though.

I would have thought that if you could get a face to face meeting with whoever makes these decisions, that although they cant give you a definite yes, I would have thought they could give you a definite no.

Its a hugely emotional process (and costly for the authority) so Id hope they wouldnt give you false hope.

Really Jeff? I have read about adoptive parents who have suffered full mental breakdowns in the past so thought that would be the least significant thing as it was so long ago. Is there a great deal of difference in policy from area to area?

My DH has pointed out that he would foster if he were single, in which case he would have sole charge at night

Sunny, we did call and discuss it but they weren't able to tell us what decision they would come to unless we'd gone through the process. Thanks for your comment though!

There's massive differences in policy from area to area.

Single fosterers are welcome but that's not the same as a couple. For example in my area there's a 'primary carer' in a couple (very old fashioned) and if the primary carer isn't available due to drugs/sleeping pills? and being out of it there's no automatic default to the other carer because it's too often at 'every night'. Hard to explain but me as primary carer couldn't work away during the week on an extended basis as they would not like the second carer doing everything. Not long term.

I'm not saying it could never happen, but long term they are very cautious and want stability.

I'm not trying to put you off either, it's just that some local authorities are very unenlightened. There is no standardisation.

You can only find out if it's a problem by starting the process, they have a duty to telly you if it's worth continuing.

Also, who did your PIL make these allegations to? Did you prosecute for slander? Were they dismissed if he complained to police?

Thank you Jeff, you've been so helpful. I think DH and I probably do the same hours childcare altogether and would struggle to pin down a primary carer! In terms of the allegations, we eventually warned that we'd go to the police if it continued but it stopped there. There were pages of it that did end up being read by two independent parties who both decided FIL was abusive, slandering, lying etc. I don't know if they could say that because it was in a counseling context. However he is well known for being like that when crossed.

Oh right, I thought you meant they'd been reported properly. You really want to avoid them being asked for a reference for you.

Or indeed SS finding out about it at all. It doesn't make sense your dh continuing to work for him when he's gone around slandering you both.

If SS do find out you're going to need to explain it

Jeff Please could you tell me if social services have standard practice regarding which family members they talk to? I'm sure we're not the first family who are not in contact with some of their wider family. I know it doesn't make sense for DH to do the job he does but it's a good wage, he's not qualified to do anything else and would never be able to walk into another job like this in the current climate. Because it's mutually beneficial for them to work together, FIL is outwardly civil and they don't need to speak to each other much, it seems just about manageable.

DH and I have been chatting about how we could explain the estrangement to social services. I would really appreciate it if you could look over this and give me your reaction. It's true, but the bit about the bullying and false allegations has been edited out. Thanks so very much.

DH was physically abused as a child by his father. This was glossed over as he grew up, but when he became a parent himself, it became more of a problem to him. At the same time, in the first few weeks of our older child's life, FIL would not bother to turn up when invited to see the baby but would ring up and be very aggressive if we didn't agree to bring the baby to him, wherever he was. It was impossible as I couldn't walk at the time. Under that pressure, we explained that things had to change if we were going to stay in touch. FIL reacted by getting more angry and abusive. He also said that he didn't want to see our child if there were 'conditions'. Taking all the different factors together, we decided the best choice for all of us as a family was to draw a line under things and walk away, and we're still happy with that choice.

Your reasons for no contact are of course perfect. However, you're not 'no contact' with him with your dh working with him. What SS will want to know is if you can continue to protect your children and any you look after. Explaining your boundaries are really important.

There are so many things for them to consider. How your dh has processed his past abuse, how he will ensure he doesn't parent in the same way, how he copes with seeing the person who abused him at work. It's very, very intrusive.

The bottom line is that it's your job as a carer to protect children from further abuse and there's a valid question (which you need a good answer to) about how your dh doesn't protect himself by continuing to work for his abuser. I'm not saying there isn't an answer to the question or that you can't justify it, it's just it's very intrusive and very difficult to.

They won't automatically contact everyone, lots of people don't want past partners contacted etc or people they are no contact with (for good reasons). But you're not no contact with them and they will ask about his parents, particularly if he works for them.

You say in your op that you were a friends and family foster carer. Are you applying to the same LA that approved you for this? Did they discuss all this on your assessment when you were approved then?

Jeff Again, thank you. I take your point about DH continuing to have professional contact with his father. He had counselling to process the abuse and, as part of that, identified the parenting tools he wishes that his dad had used (empathic listening, anger management techniques etc.) and those he knows that his dad shouldn't have used (blaming, shaming, threats, violence etc). He read up on good parenting skills and even did exercises to learn to put them into practice. He does comes across as very gentle at all times. He was able to work through feelings of hurt and anger and reached a point where he really understood that he isn't a vulnerable child any longer and doesn't need to feel 'powerless' or resentful around his dad. He accepts that his dad is flawed like the rest of us and acted out of his insecurities in very damaging ways. I would say he's very sorted about it all and agreed with his counsellor that he didn't necessarily need to run away from working with his dad in order to come to terms with things. In terms of boundaries, it's simple and has always worked. DH and FIL never talk about anything other than work and only during office hours. Those are the conditions set by DH and observed by FIL because he wants DH to continue working for him. It's the kind of business where a father-son connection means a lot to clients as FIL gets older. We know nothing about their lives except what anyone might hear on the office grapevine and vice verca.

wonder We've moved house so it's a different area. To be honest, the assessment for that was a non-event. We heard about the child one Saturday and received her the following Saturday. We were approved over the phone and visited the day before she arrived. I believe it was us or a children's home and the last home had set a deadline.

featherandblack I'm just at the beginning of the assessment process...the way it worked for me was I went to an information evening, they then called me and a SW spoke to me on the phone for about 30 minutes to decide if it was worth sending a SW out to see me. Then the SW came and spent about 2 hours here asking me lots of questions and having a look at the house, and then she went back to the office to discuss with the manager whether I could 'proceed' or not with the assessment. Only then was I booked onto the training course and assigned an assessing SW. So, I think in your situation, it's worth just calling them and laying it all on the table. If any of the things that you're worried about are an issue for them, then I guess they would just make a decision within that first phone call or first visit that you couldn't continue with your application. Like you say, you don't want to invest too much emotionally in the process, but I don't think they would invest the time or money if they thought any of the things you talk about would prevent you from being approved.

Re age of children, I have a 2.5 year old and am being assessed for children aged 5-12, so it might not be the case that you could only take children younger than your birth child...although I imagine this could be different depending on the LA you're with. Good luck. :)