Vising our son's former foster carer's home

[Italiangreyhound]

Our ds has been with us over a year now! Hooray!

We have a very good relationship with his former foster carers, particularly the lady, who I shall call Betty. Betty has birth children and also currently has new foster children.

We have maintained a very good relationship with Betty and the wider family, and in the last year have met with her on about four occasions, plus sent her photos and drawings etc, which ds is aware of, and he has spoken to her on the phone two or three times, at his request.

We are due for our next meeting with Betty soon and at some point in the past someone suggested coming to her house. I am not sure now if it was me, our son or her! It might have been because one family member was unwell and we would not have been able to have the visit but in the end all was well and we met out somewhere. But it got me thinking! Might it be a good idea to go to her house with ds? However, I had heard it was not good for children to go back to the foster family home for a visit. Maybe because they may think they are going back there or maybe as it may trigger thoughts or memories and might make it hard for the child etc. We have no wish to make it hard for our son and I just wondered what other adopters or foster carers might think. Could it be a positive experience for our son?

The bedroom he was in is now occupied by another child. Could this be distressing for our son or could it be helpful in knowing the woman who cared for him for about a year has a new foster child/children? He knows she has and has met them as they were already in her home at that first meeting within a short while of our ds leaving. So this would not be new information.

I am torn between thinking this may be a good thing or bad thing for ds. The only reason to go would be if it would be good for ds. We can easily meet elsewhere.

Ds was very attached to Betty, and sometimes seemed to confuse her with his birth mum (who he only vaguely remembers and who he has photos of). When he looked at his life story book, with dh the other day, dh said ds was more interested in the recent photos of him with Betty and with us and not so much of the photos with birth mum and dad.
I want ds to know that his foster carer is not birth mum and to ensure that foster carer (and their family) continue to be in ds's life as a positive force and memory bank and hope she will be someone he might love and be interested in- much like an auntie. I know I can't determine how he will feel about Betty but I guess I just want him to have a fair assessment of how things are (truthful) and now he has been with us almost as long as he was with Betty (perhaps longer depending when you read this!) and he really does see me and dh as mum and dad and our dd as his sister.

So it seems that having a house he cannot go to because it may trigger memories or whatever might be a possibly negative thing.

I am happy to bow to a wider general opinion if people have any wisdom on this.

(I am also posting in the adotion section here.)

Thanks all.

My gut feeling is that seeing his "replacement" in his old home, wouldn't be a positive thing.

How old is ds?

I think it depends how good he is at expressing feelings and how up to dealing with the you feel you are?

Better safe than sorry perhaps?

I think it would be better to meet away from the house (also a foster carer).

It may not be too much to see the new kid, it probably will be too much to see his bedroom newly decorated and turned into this other lads room.

Thanks so much guys, he is 4, almost 5 and pretty good at expressing his feelings. I think I am good at dealing with his emotions too, but take your point about the bedroom. This was my main concern. No idea if it has been decorated or not.

Just feel that it may be helpful but of course it may not.

Hi Italiangreyhound, I have name changed, but you would have known me from the 40+ thread years ago, galwayg. It is great to know that your adoption has gone so well. You might or might not know that I am now a fostercarer.

My experience of one fosterchild of ours who was age 5 when he was with us, after they moved to longterm care, it was hard for him knowing that he had been "replaced" by us. Not in our minds obviously, but it was hard for him to see another child with us. We have not brought him to our house, not because we don't want him to come, but because it will be hard for him to see "his" bedroom, with another child's things in. I think that meeting and spending time with the fostercarers for him to know that he is still loved by them is great.

I am sure there will come a time when you know that he is ready for some sort of closure on that part of his life, but it is tricky, as you don't want him to subconsciously think that you could move him out and get someone else too. Perhaps with time as Betty has more foster children come and go with her, and he sees the pattern that she has with loving children and them moving on, and the longer he is with you, the memories of time with her will fade more, and the bedroom he was in and her house will have less potential for effect on him. I think bedroom, more than any other physical part of the house is the area that can be emotionally hard for foster children to leave/return to.

It is great that he has so quickly become a part of your family, and you are a great mum.

Thanks willitbe that is so kind.

All good advice and you know your son best so how he may respond. At his age (if he was hitting all the 'normal' developmental milestones) he is too young to understand the concepts. Try at 8 or 9 and he might be happy to know that the person that loved and looked after him until his family were found for him. Photos are good as well, I drew a house and put people in it to tell a story of what the carer is doing now (pretend children obs). There is a sound reason contact of any kind is on neutral territory, it would be very easy to destabilise a little one. Probably just not worth the risk.