Advice please, dealing with problem with a fostered child

[Psipsina]

I'm not sure what I ought to be doing here and thought there would likely be a great deal of wisdom on this board, so I hope you will forgive the intrusion.

We recently moved, there are about a hundred kids in our street, many the same sort of age - 10, 11, 12. Lots of boys.

My eldest is nearly 12 and he's very sociable and has been playing with several of them.

One of the boys is fostered by a couple up the road. According to ds he has had significant problems in his own family and has siblings still at home, but he is not. He says to ds that he is happy to be here.

Anyway he is always very chirpy and friendly to me - a bit cocky even - but seems alright. The last few days he has been causing all sorts of mayhem with some other children, who are a bit younger than him (he is 12/13, they are just 11 and quite 'innocent')

he has been daring them to go into gardens and take things, blaming them when they are told off, and then this morning he got into a row as they went somewhere they shouldn't, and one of the littler ones got upset and he was really horrible to them - and towards ds, who stood up for them.

He phoned ds after ds came home, told him he was a 'massive retard' or something like that which took ds by surprise so he told him to f off, which wasn't great but he was caught off guard. Then there came texts telling him to pick up the f-ing phone, then several more calls one of which I answered, and he asked who it was and I said 'ds's mum'. He hung up. Ds has blocked his number.

I don't really want to get involved after speaking to them once already yesterday (very nicely - not in a cross way, assuming innocence all round at the time) but am not certain how to handle it in terms of whether I let ds play with him or not. Ds is inclined to play with everyone, but I feel this boy will create drama and problems again and I want ds to be safe from verbal abuse at least. If it was an adult treating me like this there is no question what my response would be, ie, block, ignore permantly, but with a child I feel he deserves a second chance as he has had a lot going on and may just be struggling.

WWYD? allow play to continue, regardless, or keep ds away from the kid till he apologises properly/whatever?

Thanks if you got this far.

I would let them mostly sort it out themselves

I don't think he's in much danger from verbal abuse since your son responded with fuck off

You could have a word with the pair of them about treating each other with respect and you don't want to hear the word 'retard' or 'fuck' from either of them.

Have you told their carer he's encouraging younger kids to steal? I would really appreciate it as a carer if you did that.

Ds is really unlike that normally - it totally blindsided him as he is always treating everyone as his friend. He swears in the house sometimes but never, ever outside it. So faced with a sudden onslaught he couldn't think how to respond. I have Had Words.

Do you think I ought to speak to his foster carers? I am a bit scared to tbh. Also he's been told off by the other kids' granny already. I think they may be aware of what has happened.

I just don't want to be too harsh as I know he's had a hard time but OTOH if he is getting them into trouble and then swearing at ds when he stands up for them, and this isn't the first time - I don't really want ds involved.

Maybe see if he behaves better in a few days/weeks? I'm not happy for ds to unblock him though as it's making him very nervous already so I think I'll maintain that one. (it was ds's reaction, not my idea)

I am a foster carer too. I would really, really want to know if one of my youngsters was behaving as he is. they cannot take steps to correct it if they don't know about it. I am sure they will appreciate the information. I have moles who keep me informed as to what mine are up to.

you have to tell them

Oh crap. Thanks - it's a bit awkward as I don't really get on with his foster dad. I haven't met the mum.

When we first moved in the dad kept suggesting ds come over for a sleepover before I had even met any of them, (was given this info by ds) and I said no to ds as it is something I tend to work up to over a period of months, never without knowing the parents. Ds said to his friend, my mum says she would have to have met your dad, at which point the friend turned up at the door with his foster dad so I could meet him...

We didn't get on though were both polite - very different ways of talking, humour, references. He thinks I'm odd, I think he's odd. So I would be wary of a misunderstanding. I'm not even sure what the lad has told them happened.

I should also mention he ran away briefly the other day and they came to our neighbour's house to look for him, then found him elsewhere. So they know her quite well and she's lived here ages. I think she will have had a word.

I think I might leave it unless anything happens that's directed at us/ds, as I haven't seen the boy since yesterday when he hung up on me. I think that kind of ruined the fun for him a bit, maybe he will keep his distance.