can I really do this until they're 18

[fc6362]

I don't want to sound heartless or anything but I'm sure that's how it's going to come across so apologies if so.
We have a large sibling group as well as our own young dd. We were always planning on being long term carers but now that we've been told they'll be here for around 13 years and we've agreed to keep them long term in starting to question our decision . We've gotten past some major behavioral issues and now feel they're settled and this is who they are now.
Here are my main concerns;

1. I thought we would have at least a few more placements before finding the ones that would stay. I kind of feel we might be missing out.
2. I listen to other carers talking about their fc and how lovely they are and I get jealous as I wonder if our children are lovely and I just don't see it or would anybody else struggle with them too?
3. I often feel I'm just tolerating them and shouldn't I love them by now? (7 months in).
4. Does the fact that we don't love them now mean we never will and so in theory they're not the ones for us?

Know exactly where you are coming from. Feels like a major commitment. It's a huge part of your life and your families and it seems so overwhelming.
I was in the same situation as you are and I can't tell you what to do, just my experience.
We are nearly 4 years down the line long term. Little one had major behavioural problems. Others in the family just couldn't connect and found it difficult seeing how bad it was for me.
We had a big discussion and decided that we would go long term and work together.
Once the decision had been made I had a big wobble.
I spoke to my SW and she arranged for me to have a chat with other carers. I discovered I wasn't the only one who had felt like this. Looking so far into the future seemed very scary.
One carer said just take it a month at a time. I found this was the best advice for me.
Now 4 years on I find we all love little one, problems and all. We wouldn't swap them for the world.
It is a major decision and needs a lot of thought. We never know what is round the corner, I hope you make the right decision for you. X

Absolutely understand how you feel. We had a long term placement that I was never able to love, no matter how hard I tried. He was a super kid and enjoyed living with us for many years but I never connected with him and was to be honest relieved when he moved out at 18. Other short placements were different and there were children I really loved. I don't have any answers for you OP. how do your husband and DC feel about them?

Oh I'm so happy to see positive replies my dh feels the same as me. Dd is a toddler but seems to get on well with them. I have a mentor who is an experienced carer but when I tell her about any problems she tends to say useless things like "so why do you think she's behaving like that...how could you help her overcome these issues....etc" that just makes me feel like I'm being insensitive to fc's needs by moaning

Do you feel you may be better suited to short term sibling group fostering? I know that I have always been more relaxed with short term placements - even when their behaviours have been very challenging, because I have felt that there would be an end date and that the 'weight of future years' was not hanging on my shoulders! We are all cut out to do different things in different ways and I've found a break between placements, time to have a family holiday and regroup has been really necessary.

Agree with Carribeanisland about the breaks. We have a 3 sibling group of teenagers. They have been with us 1.5 years and whilst we are very fond of them and enjoy having them around, the contact weekends when they stay with family are precious to us. We also have funded holidays away with their older sibling so we get time to ourselves and our son.

Factor in the breaks for yourselves. The time gives the opportunity to recharge your batteries and helps make your relationship with the children stronger as you don't resent not having time for your immediate family. It helps you naturally offer a better standard of care.

My dd is only a toddler but she gets along with them really well. Dh feels the same as me. It's such a long time we're going to have them and I feel awful thinking I might not ever love them . I do care about them but this is just not how I thought I would feel x

Posted last as it wasn't showing that I'd already posted! We've already committed to these long term (over ten years until they're all gone) so that's that. I couldn't let them go as they'd likely be split up or in a home as there's nobody else in our la that can take them all. We did a few respite placements before this and did enjoy it but we really want these children to be a part of our family for the long haul. We're having a short holiday this year which was already booked but we've been made to feel really bad about it and they're struggling to find respite. We've basically been told we should be taking them with is so this will be our last "break" for over a decade!

Take no notice of them and enjoy your break !
We were in the same situation. We had a long haul booked and there was no way we would have taken little one.
We had a lovely break and came back refreshed. We have since taken little one away a few times and have. 3 hols booked with them this year. It was hard leaving them but my family deserved that holiday.
Believe me if the boot was on the other foot and you wanted to take them and SW said no you'd have no choice.
Try not to look to far into the future , take it a month at a time and if unfortunately it doesn't work out and you have to let them go, you have done your best and served them well for the time you have had with them.

You are defiantly not alone in feeling like this. Even adoptions break down.

Thank you I do feel a bit better about it all now x

Hi. Am in the same position as you. It's scary. I break it down to manageable lengths of time in my head. Easter to birthday etc. I am having trouble bonding with our youngest but I have decided that's ok. Middle child will be fostered til 21, scares the living daylights out of me!!! Then will forever be ours to care for. I think it is normal to worry. I listen to other carers after the 'honeymoon period' and think thank goodness I don't have to go through that again! Though I will only be 53 when our eldest heads to college so I may do short term then.
The guilt tripping about respite? Ignore it. We all need a break. Birth families have breaks (going to granny, auntie etc), it's a good thing for everyone. My kids love the change almost as much as we enjoy a break. We only do short breaks once or twice a year. Just enought to recharge our batteries.

As Cassimin said take it in bite sized chunks. I've been a foster carer for many years and have known a great deal of long term placements break down. I've also known a lot of emergency or short term placements carry on for many years. You can never predict what the future will bring, but keep your own happiness and that of your own family topped up as a priority.