What are your views on your teens paying towards Xmas presents for their birth family?

[Gymbob]

Bearing in mind I am trying to teach my FD life skills, I gave warning weeks ago with recent reminders, she would need to give a contribution towards her birth family's presents. She would save some pocket money and do jobs to earn extra. She said fine, when I knew it wouldn't be as she never lifts a finger.

There are 5 presents to buy and I am spending £20 on each. that's only for the birth family, then there's our family she would normally buy for out of her own money.

Now of course she has no money, won't do any chores, and has announced tonight that from next week she will not be spending her lunch money, but taking a pack up and saving the £15 a week up to Xmas!

Am I unreasonable to say no to this, as its just another ploy to save herself from putting in any effort. DD2 has already saved her money for Xmas.

What do other carers do. I hope you don't think I'm being tight, I'm trying to teach her that life doesn't just hand you everything on a plate, you have to work and save etc.

She says it's not fair and I'm trying to make her grow up too fast. She's a very mature and savvy 15 year old.

I don't think your being tight at all, quite the opposite in fact.

Your talking about spending £100 on virtual strangers. It's very nice of you but I don't really understand it. Have you been asked to do this?

thanks for your reply. do you think it's strange really, oh dear. I do know the birth family well, particularly the siblings

I asked for five pounds contribution for each family member. they are spending the same amount on her.

I've also bought for birthday family, although our FC is a pre-schooler so can't understand contributing. It does however boost her self esteem to be part of exchanging gifts rather than just receiving. Unfortunately for me, it is a large family with lots of siblings!

I buy for birth family (a nightmare this time as my current children have contact with about 10 family members regularly and I can't buy for one without the others...) and don't expect the children to contribute, but my children are much younger. I would definitely expect a 15 year old to contribute - she should be treated exactly the same as your own daughter.

thanks wonder and scarlet for your input. I am thinking of giving jobs' Christmas rates' like maybe double for a short time to try and encourage some movement

My FC didn't even receive birthday cards from their siblings (much older), and I have to admit that I was annoyed that their foster carers hadn't facilitated even a card after we have bought for all their birthdays.

I have experienced the same in the past. two sets of carers two years running with a sibling got my FC nothing at all, not even a card. Out of order I think.

I'm glad it isn't just me! I had questioned if it was me being weird getting them small presents and cards!

Maybe if she hadn't received anything, that is making her feel less inclined to contribute? Has she had any input in shopping and choosing presents?

the siblings are now with new carers who are brilliant and she knows what she'll be getting. she asked them what they wanted (the best way with fussy teens I've found) so that's what they've got

oh and she won't contribute because she's too lazy to do any work to earn it, so will be taking her pocket money for starters

If she can't be persuaded to do any chores you are probably on a hiding to nothing. I would be inclined to (with her and social worker's agreement) cut her pocket money for a few weeks and to spend a lot less on the gifts for her family. Budgeting is really important, and this would be a lesson i would be keen to make sure she had a grasp on. No to not having dinner money either - that's a short cut.

thanks golden, I can't spend less on family it's been agreed in advance by all the carers. I will cut pocket money for as long as it takes to pay her way.

All ours 6 draw lots as too who buys for who so only one present each too buy, has worked well for year's and less expensive for them, also we set the amount they spend, they all spend the same, so can buy quite a nice gift, and no hassle as one present is off all of them.

Sorry, to hijack, but I have relatives in foster care. They have been with the same family for just over six years, and the 3 DC are currently aged 9-15. In the six years the foster carers have never sorted out a card or gift at Christmas or birthdays for the children's grandmother who has monthly contact (not sure how common this is), so thank you for thinking of the birth family :)

thanks little for sharing that. I'm sorry that is the case for your relatives, I think that is just thoughtless