Arghhh! DH wants to pull out!

[GertyD]

I have posted about the situation before. The short story is that we are or were taking on a little boy, 7 years old, related to my DH. He is currently in care. We are looking at Special Guardianship with fostering initially. We have passed the assessments, and now started regular contact.

After the last contact, DH said he couldn't do it. He didn't want to.

We are so far into this process, the boy is supposed to be moving in in 4-6 weeks.

I feel awful! For the boy, for the family who are relying on us to take him, for us. I don't feel I can make him. He has to want this.

What now? I just don't know. DH says his reasons are that he feels numb to the child and doesn't see him fitting in our family. He feels pressured and others that are closet to him should step up and they are relying on us to do it for them.

I can't sleep at night knowing this boy is in care and we could give him a home

Is it just a wobble (which is entirely understandable!) or does he have a point? Will this boy fit into your family, do you think? How much support have you had - does DH realise that feeling numb is entirely normal?

I'm so sorry, you must be having a really tough time.

I forget whether you have other children. I think a 'oh fuck what have I just done' moment is extremely normal just before assuming responsibility for any child by any route - of course at nine months pregnant you have rather fewer options :)

That said, there's no doubt that taking on this little lad is a huge life decision and is likely to demand a big commitment from you if he's has a tough time.

It is normal to feel numb and not to have instant love as an adoptive parent. We aren't necessarily programmed for instant bonding with 7 year olds!

That said the adopted 8 year old currently pin balling around my kitchen demanding lunch has considerable challenges but is THE best thing that has ever happened to me.

Talk to you DH a lot, don't make any hasty decisions, and good luck.

We are meeting with the SW on Friday to discuss it, I have asked her to put us in touch with the relevant support groups.

I hope it is a wobble, he had one already, at the beginning, but overcame it pretty quick.

We have two DS's already, aged 2 and 16.

Thanks for the responses... It feels like the equivalent of abandoning someone at the alter. But worse.

DH has just said he wants a baby of our own, one more.

I had many, many "what am I doing?" moments before (and after!) I started fostering. If this isn't just a wobble on your DH part though then I don't see that you can proceed - as you say, you can't force him. Also, imagine how difficult it would be for the child to move in knowing he wasn't fully wanted (and he would know).

I'm pleased to read you've asked for support groups, I find mine very ... Supportive!

If it helps, I can empathise with your DH "numb" feeling too - I generally take a good few months to really bond with a child, and some of them take even longer. It's not likely to happen with contact visits.

Don't be too hard on yourself if it doesn't work out either. From your post it sounds as if there are other family members who haven't done as much as yourselves. And whilst there is a huge stigma about a child being "in care" I genuinely believe it can be the best thing - I know long term carers who have literally saved the lives of the children they foster (most of whom are every bit as loved as their "own" families).

Hi GertyD
I arrived home from work on day and my wife said she wanted to be a foster carer. I was initially horified, but sugessted she finds out what is involve, the next step was the skills to foster course/assesment, no comitment was requiree and we did the course, during the course the idea of fostering grew and grew and we were registerred as foster carers. I had a high level of commitment, but understood that we can terminate at any time, and easilly at at the natural end of a placement

Trying to put myself in DH shoes I would feel that the plan go for a special guardianship order I might be trapped into a pathway without a means of escape free from causing harm to the child, and I am sure I would have the coly wobbles. I would feel a lot better initially providing weekend respite, and see where it goes, and even happier if the SGO was relegated to a mere posibility.

Financily you should should be finacially better off as kingship carers than with a SGO. And the local authority will retain corporate parental resposibilites and grants for educational needs would be freely available

Derk